The Cost to Relationships and Families

This is part five of a five-part series entitled "The Silent Collapse of Men in the Smart Phone Era". It's based on a series of discussions I've had with men who are friends or relatives. The men's ages range from 23 - 51 years old. I'd love your feedback.

The Cost to Relationships and Families

A distracted man may still physically be present while emotionally disappearing.

He comes home but never fully arrives.
He sits with his kids while staring at another man’s podcast clip.
He lies next to his wife while scrolling through strangers.
He loses interest in conversation because his brain now expects constant stimulation every eight seconds.

Over time, resentment grows on both sides.

The family notices. Children notice. Partners notice.

The phone quietly becomes the third person in every relationship.

Men Need Purpose More Than Distraction

Most men do not need another motivational clip.

They need:

• sleep
• discipline
• friendship
• purpose
• physical activity
• real conversation
• time away from screens
• connection with their families

The solution is not becoming anti-technology. Phones are tools. The problem begins when the tool starts shaping a man’s identity, emotions, confidence, and attention span. A phone should assist a man’s life, not replace it. 

Right now, too many men are slowly disappearing into distraction while calling it entertainment. We have to stop making excuses and help each other focus on what's important. We have to hold each other accountable and allow entertainment to be entertainment and real life to be real life.

We can't blend the two.

Part 4: Rage Is Becoming Entertainment

People Lie A Lot

Not all lies are based on scams and infidelity.  Some people lie because of their pride.  As I've gotten older, I see that more often than anything else these days.  I'll give you two examples:

Men tend to do it to prevent from looking naive.  Some guys will act as if they "know-it-all" to impress you rather than admitting that they could use some help with whatever that they are doing.  Example: A guy I know started a podcast.  I've been podcasting for over a decade.  I know that the type of podcast that you wish to have and the frequency that you plan on doing it can determine what kind of setup you may need.  When he told me his plan, I told him to reach out to me if he needed some insight or advice purchasing equipment.  He told me that he had it figured out and did his research and knew exactly what he wanted to buy.

He spent almost $1300 for his podcasting equipment for something that fizzled out in less than a month.  Then he asked me if I wanted to buy any of his equipment.  I told him, "No.  I'd never spend that much on equipment in the first place unless I was making my podcast a full-time job."  His pride made him lie to me in the beginning when he said that he knew what he was doing when he didn't.  And that was a very expensive lesson to him.  I'm not saying that I'm an expert, but I do have experience, and sometimes two heads are better than one.

Women lie for pride's sake, but for different reasons.  I once worked with a young lady who would participate in relationship discussions with us in the break room from time-to-time.  She always bragged about how she is just "doing her" and isn't paying men any attention.  She said that she was abstaining from sex and would make the next man wait because "she knew her worth".  She was always the most vocal whenever we participated in the conversations.  No man was ever going to get over on her!

Well, to this day, she doesn't know that I knew the guy that she was sleeping with at the time.  Ms. Abstinence actually had a restraining order against her for stalking him and his girlfriend.  He'd already bragged to me prior to my break room conversations with her that he'd slept with her a few times and she wouldn't leave him alone and she ultimately started harassing his woman.

All while she was telling us how she was "this and that" every day, dude was passing his phone around regularly showing nude pics of her. It made me feel badly for her to wonder how many people knew she was lying about how she "handles" men.

Look, we all lie.  But it's more to it than doing so to get out of trouble these days.  Social media tends to influence some of us to appear a certain way that we're not in real life.  How many times has someone that you know very well posted something that you knew wasn't true?  More than you can count?

Guys, it's okay to say, "I don't know" instead of acting like you know what you're doing and costing yourself time and money.  Tell someone "I need your help" with something and learn to take instructions sometimes.

Ladies, you may want to reconsider some of the things you claim you do or don't do with guys because guys talk more than ever these days.  There is no longer a code that guys live by.  Don't have these guys fool you into thinking that they don't "kiss and tell" and have you looking stupid in these streets.

It's time for all of us to be adults and to stop lying.

Why Women Think They Can Change His Mind but Not His Wardrobe

There’s an interesting dynamic in dating that often gets overlooked: it’s usually easier to change a man’s style than his personality. Yet, when it comes to relationships, many women tend to invest their energy in the opposite direction.

Think about it. A man who’s “sweet but swagless” often gets overlooked because his presentation doesn’t match the confidence and energy women are drawn to. He might be respectful, loyal, and genuinely kind—but if his sneakers are outdated, his jeans fit like a 2005 throwback, or he just hasn’t found his style, he gets labeled as “dorky” or “boring.”

On the other hand, the man with the swagger—the one whose clothes, haircut, and presence scream confidence—often gets all the attention. He may be inconsistent, disloyal, or openly a cheater, but women will convince themselves that they can fix his mentality. They’ll buy into the project of “changing” his ways, believing their love, patience, or loyalty will reform him.

But here’s the irony: it’s infinitely harder to rewire someone’s character than to upgrade their closet.

• Wardrobe is surface-level. A haircut, new clothes, and some guidance can completely reinvent a man’s appearance and confidence within weeks.

• Personality is rooted. A cheater’s behavior patterns are tied to deeper values, habits, and choices. Trying to reform that is a long shot, and often ends in heartbreak.

The overlooked truth is that women who dismiss “sweet guys with no swag” are passing up on someone who already has the qualities that matter most in a long-term partner. Instead of trying to turn a cheater into a faithful man, why not turn a loyal “dork” into a stylish, confident version of himself?

At the end of the day, you can take a man shopping and transform his look overnight—but changing his mindset? That’s not just harder. For most, it’s impossible.

The Double Standards of Sex

There are a ton of double standards in the world when it comes to men and women, but the double standards of sex seems to get people riled up the most. 

When a guy is having sex with a bunch of women, he’s just "being a guy". But when women have sex with a bunch of dudes, she’s going through a "hoe phase" or a "hot girl summer". 

Fair or foul? 

Check out the opinions of this group of people and comment with your conclusion.

Who Is Responsible for Birth Control?

When two people who aren't married decide to have sex, who is responsible for birth control?  It sounds like a tough question, doesn't it? 

Well, it's not. Despite the fact that people have argued this question for decades is beyond me. The answer is plain and simple: the person who doesn't want the obligation is the one responsible for preventing it. 

Period.  

Guys, let's say that you don't want a child brought into this world, and the reason doesn't matter.  It can be because: 

• You don't want the financial obligation.  
• You don't want the responsibility of being a dad. 
• You don't like the woman you're about to have sex with enough to raise a child with her. 
• Maybe you just hate kids. 

The reason doesn't matter.  It's your responsibility to ensure that conception never happens.  The sperm has to reach the egg in order to create a child.  Stop the sperm and there won't be a child.  You can't blame the woman if she ends up pregnant because you didn't protect yourself.  It's like blaming someone for having a wet floor when the plumbing is leaking.  Yeah, you could put a bucket under the leak and protect the carpet, but isn't the most reliable way to stop the leak is at the source?

If a guy doesn't want a baby then he can just about guarantee that it doesn't happen by simply wrapping up.  That's a lot better for everyone than just having a kid and then abandoning the child and the mother or not taking care of them adequately.  

And ladies, while you're laughing at me getting on the fellas, let me talk to you all for a minute...  

It's not a man's fault if you get pregnant from unprotected sex.  If you think that the pull-out method is foolproof then ma'am, you're the fool and the baby is proof.  Please don't rely on that or trust that he will even do it.

It's pretty much a given that if a woman has a child out of wedlock that she's going to be the primary person to care for it.  And if she doesn't want to deal with factors such as:

• Not being able to afford the child.
• Not having accommodations for someone to watch the child when she's unavailable.
• Not wanting to tether herself to a dude who isn't worth it. 
• Or maybe she, too, just hate kids.

The reason matters not, but, it's still your responsibility to ensure that conception never happens. 

One of my favorite comedians, Tyler Craig, who tragically passed away earlier this year, use to always end his jokes with a moral, so I will end this blog post by saying, "and the moral of the story is:" It takes two to make a baby, but only one to stop it. 

And the person who doesn't want the obligation should be the one to stop it. 

Every time a man goes in unprotected then he's obviously cool with possibly having a baby.  

Every time a woman allows a man to have sex without some form of birth control then she's obviously cool with possibly having a baby as well. It doesn't take a genius to understand how pregnancy works. 

All of these years, men and women have been finger-pointing when the answer to this question has always been and always will be, "you".

Being A Gentleman Is Lame

There's no shame in being nice to a woman. Chivalry is cool. But make no mistake about it, women don't care for old school gentlemen these days. If you overdo it with a woman and try to overly-impress her to win her affection then you're probably wasting your time.

Women in 2020 don't really want to be treated like a lady. That was cool in the 60's, but not so much now.  Women in 2020 are independent. They don't want another person to have to think for. Especially someone who is grown.

A woman wants a man who can be in charge. Not necessarily of her, but of himself and the situations he finds himself in. If something breaks, can he get it fixed? If the household suffers financially, can he pick up the slack? If she has a bad day, can he push the right buttons to make her forget about it?

Being a man isn't about being "nice". It's about being emotionally stronger than your woman and being her rock. She doesn't need to be treated her like she's fragile. She needs to be treated like she's important.

Fellas, Don't Spend More Than $15 for First Dates

I know that the ladies are looking at the title of this post with their mouths agape.  Sorry, ladies, but some of you all kind of brought this on yourselves.  It's too expensive these days to have an old school mentality in a new school world.  It's time for men's dating tactics to evolve just as women have.

At one point of my life, I could meet a woman that I liked and take her out on what was called "a proper date".  That would usually include dinner and drinks in which I would get the tab at the end of the evening.  This was how most relationships (or an attempt at one) started.  It may have been costly sometimes, but both parties were genuinely interested in getting to know one another.  So, it didn't feel like a huge loss if things didn't work out.

However, things are different these days.  Fellas, there are a lot of women out there who just want "something to do".  Sure, they may be interested in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that it has to be with you.  There are plenty of women who will go out with a guy they have no intention of ever dating.  They'll laugh, joke, and will probably even have a good time with you and then you won't hear from them again until their hungry.

There are a lot of "good enough" guys out here in society to keep these women occupied until they find the man that they actually want.  I decided years ago that I would no longer be that "good enough" guy.  If I'm not "the" guy then she can waste someone else's time on a Friday night.  There is always another woman, guys, so don't get so caught up on one who doesn't even want you.  If she comes at you wanting some lavish dinner from somewhere then you should question her motives.  Unless she's agreeing to go dutch.

If a woman is truly interested in a man then she will meet him for coffee or even frozen yogurt.  Because she values his time more than just what he can do for her.  And I won't hesistate to tell any young guy who will listen, "don't spend more than $15 for first dates."  Find out if you even like her or not (and if she likes you) before you spend your hard-earned money on someone who has your name saved in her phone under "Crab Legs".

We're Running Out of Men

The title can't be any more simpler than that.  We're have a shortage of men in this country and it's getting worse by the generation.  Notice that I said "in this country".  As far as I can tell, other countries still have men who raise their boys.

Not in the U.S.  Teaching boys to be men is almost a thing of the past.  I blame my generation.  We're so focused on trying to remain young that we won't take the time to be teachers.  A lot of guys my age are competing with younger guys instead of educating them.

There are so many things that a boy should learn if he is to be a productive member of society:

Respect women.

It should start with your mother and extend into the community.  All women are to be respected.  Men should teach their boys that women are different.  Don't talk to them like men.  Don't handle them like men.  Be kind and gentle to them.  Never hit them (unless it's an extreme circumstance that can affect your health. Ex. she has a weapon.).  Don't curse at them.

I know that there are some women out there who act like men, but most of them probably only built up that persona because of the way men treated them in the past.  Be the guy who breaks that cycle by teaching your sons that women aren't to be abused in any shape, form, or fashion.

Leave things better than how you found it.

That's self-explanatory.  If someone loans you something, then care for it as if it were yours and return it in the same condition.  That can be anything from property to someone's emotions.  Always teach others to build.  Some of us guys are like tornadoes going through a nice town.  Everything was perfect before we arrived.  Teach boys to not be that guy.  Take pride in keeping things up.  It can be anything from keeping the lawn mowed at your home to getting litter out of the ditch in your neighborhood.

Have a legendary work ethic.

This almost no longer exists these days.  With the sense of entitlement parents give kids now, it's a wonder that anything gets done in 2019.  The concept of working should be instilled in boys at a very young age so they can take that to adulthood.  Teach them to clean the house, take out the trash, mow the lawn, etc.  Get them in the routine of those things.  A man should have a purpose each day when he gets out of bed.  A male without a purpose is worthless.  Make having work to do his purpose.  You must also not only promote hard work to boys, but teach them to have pride in their work, too.  Don't half-do anything.

Learn from your elders.

This is something we have forgotten to do in this country.  We want to throw people away when they turn 40.  That's why men should always teach boys to listen to older people.  Learn from them.  The best way to get a leg up on life is to talk to someone who has "been there and done that".

Give them tips on the many things that will help them be a better man.  Life isn't a competition between the generations.  Men shouldn't be competing with their younger counterparts.  They should be teaching them how to be better than what they were at that age.  Let the younger generation have it.  We've had our time, so now let's teach them how to make the most of theirs and maybe in return they will appreciate spending more time with older people.

Protect your community.

I don't mean sitting out on your porch with a gun.  I mean doing what you can to keep bad elements from thriving in your neighborhood.  If you reach boys at a young age then you don't have to worry about them robbing you at an older age.  That means being a face in your community.  Get to know your neighbors.  Help them when they need it.  Look out for their kids and keep them out of harm's way.  Everyone wants to mind their own business these days and communities are suffering because of it.  We need to get back to having a village mentality if we ever want to create a generation of men who give back.

Teach boys how to plan.

This may be one of the most importants pieces to the puzzle.  I know way too many guys who are reactionary.  They wait for things to happen and then respond.  Most of the time, the world is collapsing down on them before they can figure out what to do next.  That's why it's important to teach boys how to think ahead.  Educate him on how to forecast his life and use that to make his next decision.  He needs to be taught how to save money, how to establish a career path, and how to plan his family.

Be accountable.

This is one of the hardest things for people to do these days.  So, how do you teach it?  You start young.  Give them chores to do and make sure that it's done properly.  Establish rules and hold them to it.  Teach boys that there are consequences for their actions.  You must firmly instill a "your break it, you bought it mentality" if you expect them to not whine all of their adult lives when things don't go their way.  A man should always be able to look himself in the mirror and admit when he's wrong.  Saying "I apologize" does not make a person weak.

I'm sure that there are a ton of other things that I could have mentioned, but to all of the guys out there who have boys in their lives, please make sure that they grow up to be trustworthy, disciplined, compassionate, and a future role model for the boys they will encounter later in their lives.

You Can't Argue With "Victims"

You can't move on if you can't apologize.  

So, I'm listening to two people (man and woman) discussing a relationship topic that occurred in a movie.  Before I could even give my two cents, the disagreement between the two went sideways.

The guy defended a male character from a movie.  The male character did not make his wife a top priority through two decades of being together.  He was always chasing a dream.  His wife got fed up and divorced him.  Shortly afterwards, his dream came through and dude made millions off of his idea.  Although his ex-wife had moved on, he gave her $10 million dollars to try and make amends for all he put her through.

By now, some of you recognize this movie, but I didn't want to go into details and spoil it for those who haven't seen it.

Anyway, the guy referred to this male character in the movie as a "stand up guy".  Because although he was not legally obligated to give his ex-wife anything, he felt morally obligated to try and make up for the stress he had caused her for pretty much all of her adult life.  And he caused a lot of stress!

But as the guy makes his statement, the woman interjects and said something along the lines of, "that's just like a typical guy to refer to this dude as 'stand up' after all of the pain he caused in her life."

The guy quickly thought about his statement and apologized.  "You're right.  I misspoke.  He was definitely a horrible husband, but I was just glad to see him try to fix it by making sure she was set for life."

So, I'm thinking to myself that everything was good.  She made her point and he agreed and apologized.  Now I can give my two cents on the movie.  But, she wasn't done...

"I can't stand it when men take that attitude and think that they can just fix a problem with one good deed," she started.

This went on for about 60 seconds before I decided to make my way to the ice machine to fill my cup and slowly disappear.  She lit into this guy from what started as a conversation about a movie.  And even after he agreed and apologized to her, she decided that it wasn't good enough and chose to belittle him.

When does an argument end?  Why can't people accept a sincere apology and move on?  Do we have to beat someone over the head until they just drop to their knees and submit in order to be satisfied? 

Well, here's my two cents on the matter: as long as a person can argue with you as a victim, then they feel as if they have leverage on you.  You can no longer say something that may be deemed as judgmental or offensive to them because you're stuck in an apologetic state.  If they forgive you, then they lose their perceived power over you.  So, some think that it's best to drag out an argument as long as they can to take advantage of victimhood.

Being a victim is the wave in today's society.  We all want to fight off of our back's and force someone to bend at our will. The end-result is a country filled with pathetic individuals always crying about something.

Do We Over-Sexualize Female Role Models?

How many mainstream female celebrities out there aren't hot?

Did you come up with anyone other than Condoleezza Rice?  :)

Okay, I shouldn't pick on Condi. I asked that question from a cynical standpoint.  Let me try again...

When's the last time you saw a mainstream female singer who wasn't hot?  I'll wait...

I recently read a quote by singer, Rosie Lowe, that talked about how Beyonce and Rihanna reinforce stereotypes because they sexualize their bodies to promote their music.  Therefore, they are bad role models for young women.

First of all, I see what Rosie is saying, but I don't agree with it.  Entertainers are just that.  Stop making them into more than what they are.  Although that's very hard to do when adults are slobbering over these celebs even more so than the kids.  Have you seen Facebook timelines after a Beyonce video gets released?  It will make you think that Jesus has returned.  And that's not Bey's fault one bit.  If her body and how it moves brings in just as much money as her voice, then why shouldn't she make money off of them both?

Most female celebs probably couldn't care less how the use and display of their bodies affect your daughters as long as your kid is watching them and buying their products.  The responsibility falls on mom and dad to raise their kids, not some R&B singer who doesn't even know that your child exists.  Parents should teach their child that twerking on the Billboard Awards for a paycheck is different than twerking at the club for a drink.  Much different.

But, let me return back to the topic: do we over-sexualize female role models?  Yes.

We have even gone as far as commenting on the bodies of the current and the previous First Ladies of the United States.  Even when some sick-in-the-head female teacher takes advantage of one of her underaged male students, what's the first thing that comes out of some guy's mouth: "Man, she's hot enough to have any dude she wants, why does she want a kid?"

No woman is off-limts to being rated.

Will it change?  Not in my lifetime.  Should it change?  Absolutely.  No one should look at a successful, good-looking woman and wonder if she's actually achieved her status by hard work or was it given to her because of her looks?  After all, we don't rank men based on looks.  Do you know how many ugly dudes are on TV making a nice career for themselves?  Steve Buscemi is worth $35 million dollars!

That's completely unfair to women and we need to find some way to stop it.  Talent is talent.  Looks need not apply.

Steve Buscemi

We All Want Something for Nothing

You want sex, but you don't deserve it.  You want to be wined and dined, but you haven't earned it.

A work ethic in relationships are starting to become a thing of the past.  Society has turned into a bunch of "a'ights" and very few "exceptionals."  So many people simply do the minimum required to maintain a relationship instead of committing 100% and allow the relationship to thrive.

For example, let's talk a bit about guys...

A guy may approach a woman simply because he has sex on the brain.  He will take the shortest path to sex more times than not.  If a woman requires little, then he will do just enough to satisfy her requirements so that he can satisfy himself.

His peers will promote his behavior, too.  After all, in 2016, how many fathers are teaching their sons anything about respecting women and relationships?  It's all about "how many can you hit?"  It's a sad cycle that will continue because very few have an interest in doing the right thing.  That's no longer required of a man in 2016.  Just be charming and the opportunities will present themselves.

As for the ladies...

Some are quick for wanting to be treated like queens despite the fact that they lack the qualities to be one.  They curse like sailors in public.  They treat their sons like spouses thus causing them to be dependent on their moms and useless to their future girlfriends.  They teach their daughters how to put on makeup, but ignore educating them about how to command respect.

Some just want to be seen.  They're interested in what impresses other women.  So they only entertain guys that come with a stamp of approval from their girls.  If he drives a nice car, has a certain look, or maybe a certain status, then he's a keeper.  That is until he cheats with the next one who is impressed by shiny objects.

Conclusion

It wasn't always like this, but this is the world that we live in now.  Prior to 2000, the most popular agenda people had when dating was marriage.  Now it can be anything from free trips to late night encounters.  TV, radio, and social media promotes superficial things 24/7.  It was bound to affect our brains at some point, right?  Why settle on someone who just wants to make you happy when you can have some happiness and excitement somewhere else (if you don't mind a few tears/headaches here and there.).

There are a lot of "single" men and women walking around.  They'll tell you that they're single by choice.  Don't believe them.  They just don't need anything right now.

Men's Guide to Preparing to Date

As a guy in my 40's, I won't claim to understand women.  "Women are to be loved, not understood" is what someone once said.  However, I've picked up on some things in my time on this planet to at least get a gist of what mature-minded women want.  And that's a man who does not "feel around in the dark" for lack of a better phrase.  Know where you're going and how to get there at all times, fellas.

So, I want to help the guys out there, who think they're ready for a relationship, get a to-do list together.

The first thing that you must do is be worthy of dating!

How often do dudes who are in the middle of some drama-filled ordeal, or unemployed and broke, or just not in the right place mentality, try to holla at a lady?  It doesn't make any sense.  It's like packing for a trip overseas without buying a plane ticket.  How are you getting there?

Make sure your house is in order before knocking on someone else's door, fellas.  You only have one mother, so make sure your life is at a place that doesn't require you to look for another one.  Be able to take care of yourself and a family before engaging a woman in something serious.

If she's over 30 years old, call more than you text.

I don't understand the entire "textationship" that some people enjoy.  Maybe because I value a line of communication that actually conveys emotion and inflection.  I'm not frowning on texting, but there's a time and place for it, if you ask me.  You can text later in the relationship as the two of you grow.  But I'd avoid overdoing it to start things off.

Let a woman hear your voice and see your face.  Allow her to learn your facial expressions and body language first and that will allow your messages to have personality.  It's easy to get the wrong impression of someone if you try to learn them via text.  You'll feel as if you know one another because of the volume of messages, but you'll find out that you really don't know each other at all.

Take charge and plan the date.

More times than not, ladies will allow a guy to take the reins and determine where the first date will be.  I am so surprised at how many guys I've met who do not know how to effectively plan a date with a woman.

• If you want to see her on Friday, then let her know on Monday.  Allow her time to make whatever arrangements she may deem necessary from pampering herself or making child care decisions.  It will also make it easier on you if you catch her before she makes plans to do something else.
• Know where you want to take her.  Let her know where you want to go so she can dress accordingly.  If she doesn't like the place, then she can always tell you.  And be mindful of anything that may negatively affect your dating plans.  If it's a holiday weekend and/or a really popular place, then make reservations.  If it's outdoors, then be mindful of the weather forecast.  Think things through.  Don't take her to a loud concert or a movie if you are still getting to know each other.  Take her somewhere you two can have a conversation without a lot of noise.
• Dress the part.  Make sure she's clear on where she's going so she can dress accordingly.  Do the same.  Don't show up at a 5-star restaurant dressed like you're going to a basketball game.  You'll have plenty of time to be casual around her, if all goes well.  In the meantime, show her that swag.
• Be on time.  I don't think that I even have to get an explanation for that one.
• Open doors, including car doors.  When you're on a date, then be a chauffeur.  Chivalry isn't a luxury.  It should be a way of life.
• Pay for the meal.  For the new age guys who want to feel things out before committing financially, meet her for coffee first.  But once you decide upon a dinner date, then treat her.  A woman usually spends money on a new outfit, hair, nails, etc., to look good for a date.  Don't compound her spending with making her pay for her own meal, too.
• Have a secondary location.  After dinner, the night may still be young.  Have another place in mind where the evening can continue in case you need it.  A nice spot overlooking a body of water, a quiet bar for after-dinner drinks, or something of that sort.

Hopefully, this will help some of you guys looking for something long-term with a special someone.  You have to have a plan for everything you take seriously.

Teach Young Males How to Talk to Women

Each day I get older, I see values that meant something to my parents get diluted or just flat-out ignored.  What's so depressing about it is that society is okay with it.  There aren't enough people to stand up and say "no, that's not how it's done."  I'm all for evolution of values, but not to the point of eradication.

So many of today's younger parents are just lazy or too focused on themselves to be bothered with raising the kids they brought into the world.  The end result is a society of young people who have absolutely no concept of the word "respect."  I used to think the lack of respect was limited to those roughly 30 years or younger, but I was wrong.  I've encountered people close to my age who have no concept of the word "respect."  Not even on a friendship level.

One thing that needs to be focused on is how some dudes talk to women.  There are some women who contribute to why guys can be disrespectful at times just by accepting the behavior.  I've met quite a few "bad guys" with "decent women" because the women condoned what the guys did.  But I don't think that a guy should allow a woman to dictate how he lives his life.  Even if a woman allows a man to be disrespectful doesn't mean that he should do it.  Being a man means doing the right thing regardless if doing the wrong thing is condoned or not.  Regardless of what your friends think.

Guys now tend to take the shortest route to sex.  That means that they will approach each woman the same way regardless of the woman.  She can be dressed like a stereotypical THOT or like an attorney, but he'll virtually approach her the same because guys now are taught "quantity" over "quality."  They won't waste their time trying to be the wolf in sheep's clothing.  They just come right out and let you know that they're a wolf.  If you don't like it then they've wasted what, 2 or 3 minutes with the "Say, Slim?" approach?  If you buy what they're selling, then they know that they can probably get what they want out of you.

Those who know better need to teach them that it's wrong to take that approach.  That approach leads to heartaches and unplanned pregnancies with people you don't respect.  It's up to us, especially men, to teach younger guys that it's okay to chat up women but be a man about it.  Understand that she's a mother, daughter, or sister to someone.  Know that women, despite what some cultures of society promotes, should be treated with dignity.

Society has changed both men and woman in so many ways.  Men are now becoming softer and more sensitive and woman are becoming harder and edgier.  That makes it difficult to approach relationships more than ever, but we each need to be responsible for our own gender.  We need to stop pointing fingers at what the other gender is/isn't doing and pay attention to our own.  Men need to raise boys and women need to raise girls.

It's just that simple.

Being A Good Guy Means Nothing

Hear me out before jumping to conclusions over my eye-catching title.  I'm definitely not saying that fellas out there should resort to dog-like tactics and abandon doing the right thing when it comes to women.  I just wanted to share a perspective that one of my Facebook friends posted.

I have never really considered this particular perspective before, but when I truly considered what was being said, it made a lot of sense to me.

Here's the post:

FYI: Guys please go sit down with that a woman don't want a good man mess/excuse when she's just not interested in you... First of all just because "you" perceive yourself to be a good man doesn't mean that's what I see... Everyone's definition of good is different... Second of all even if you are a good man doesn't mean we would be good together.... Therefore,I would suggest that you take your good arse,on your good way and have a good day!! 👉🏽🚪Everyone feels that they are a good catch in someway! GTFOH!!! Oh yes Happy Sunday!!

Simple and to the point.  Now, I don't know what prompted her post, but it hit home with me after I considered what was being conveyed.  I've always been respectful, giving, honest, etc.  Things that a lot of women say that they want in a man.  But, I lost sight of the fact that it doesn't guarantee me anything.  No one owes me a date or anything simply because of how I evaluate myself.

I see on it TV as well as read tweets and posts of women who say "all I want is a good man."  And I bought into that and took it at face value.  A mistake that I'll not make again.  There's more to the statement that's left unsaid.  "All I want is a good man... who is (insert height here) or (insert size here) or (insert style/swag here) or (insert career here), etc."  To me, that's what is not being said when that statement is being made.

And you know what?  There's absolutely nothing wrong with that!  We all want what we want.  Countless times in my life, I've shied away from certain women because I didn't like how they dressed, I didn't like how they spoke, or maybe they just weren't attractive to me.  There are a number of reasons all of us pass up on someone who may actually be a nice person, but they just don't do it for us for some reason.

As a guy, it's very hard to admit that a lady just may not be into you.  Especially when you feel as if you have the world to offer her.  A lot of us want to justify how we select our mates yet criticize why others don't select us.  That's just simply unfair.

So, I thank Kandi for opening my eyes to something that I've never considered.  You don't blame a person for not seeing you the way that you see yourself.  If it's something about you that she doesn't like that you can change, then fix it.  If it's something about you that you can't change, then just find someone who has more of an appreciation for whatever that is.  Either way, being a good guy means nothing if a woman just isn't into you.

With permission from Kandi

You Shouldn't Have to Ask to Be Pleased

What is one of many things that makes someone feel special?  One answer is getting something that they want or need unexpectedly.  Think about opening a present on Christmas Day or on your birthday and seeing that one thing that you really wanted or needed.  That's the same feeling people should get throughout the course of a relationship.

We guys are notorious for not being thoughtful.  We'll wait until Valentine's Day or her birthday to do something that a woman can appreciate.  And even then some guys let certain dates sneak up on them and they rush to the mall without giving the gift much thought.

Women are in the same boat, too.  Some men don't require much yet some women simply don't respect the things men ask for.  Some women are so stuck on being treated like a queen that they forget that a king is part of the royal package.

Why do we make it so hard to give our mates what they want/need without them having to demand it?  People shouldn't have to constantly ask to be pleased by their mates.  If you have no intention of pleasing your mate then maybe you should be by yourself. At least there's no pressure in disappointing yourself.

People should listen to their mates and absorb what they say.  If she says that she's tired of the front door squeaking then don't wait on her to directly ask you, "will you fix the squeaky door?"  Take action and get it done so when she comes home the next time she'll notice that it didn't squeak.

And ladies, when he tells you that he had a tough day at work, don't act like it means nothing.  Some women are quick to say that "men don't open up" yet when we do, who is listening?  Just because we're guys we're "going to be alright" and don't need a compassionate listener now and then?

If a relationship is going to be successful then thoughtfulness has to exist.  Your list of priorities should include doing something to make your mate smile.  If that's not happening regularly then it's just a matter of time before unhappiness ensues and the relationship dies.

Women Are Definitely Calling The Shots in Dating

(Way) Back in the day, let's say the early 60's, guys could call the shots when it came to courting. Men were the bread winners and that afforded them some luxuries when it came to a mate selection. A lot of guys had the ability to choose exactly what they wanted in a mate because at the time, most women were simply looking for security. They wanted a man who could pay the bills and be a provider to a family.

Fast forward to 2015 and the roles have completely changed. Guys are no longer sole providers of households. In fact, guys are rarely providers of households in a lot of communities across the country which is a blog post within itself. Ladies have gotten more educated and have increased their earning potential. The result: now they are the ones making the mate selection.

The days when a woman only cared about security are just about gone. Now that she has her own, she can do what the guys once did exclusively: she can pick and choose a mate as she pleases.

For the old school, provider type of guy, this is a huge dilemma.  Because now, despite being reliable, responsible, and secure, you have to be attractive, exciting, and generous in order to "get the girl" in so many cases.  She doesn't have to go for reliable, responsible, and secure any more because she can provide all of that for herself.  If she so chooses, she now has the luxury of going after knuckleheads built like Vin Diesel because she can pick up the slack.

Oh, snap!  That sucks for a reliable, responsible, secure dude like me (not remotely built like Vin Diesel)!  LOL!  If I don't hit the gym hard then I'll be relegated to a side piece (at best) whose only responsibility is taking her out on dates while "Vin Diesel" gets the goods after I drop her off at home!  (drops down and does 50 push ups...)

Okay, maybe I only did 22 push ups, but that's beside the point.  In all seriousness, guys who look to do the right thing and treat people the right way can't be worried about what the selection process some women have adopted.  There are still some women who just want a nice guy who treats people right (call me).

Besides, who can blame women for doing the same thing that men did decades ago?  Ladies can now enjoy a bigger dating pool because security is no longer a worry. Now the guys can work on being "suitable husbands" and concentrate on "looking the part."  I know a few guys who are "gym rats" that farm themselves out to multiple women.  They understand that they're only wanted because of their bodies and they are more than happy to oblige these women who really don't seek much else.

I don't knock those brothas one bit for reaping the benefits of toned biceps and ab muscles.  Maybe I would be less reliable, responsible, and secure, too if I had six pack abs instead of a keg!  Only time will tell... :)

(23.....  24....  25....)

Do You Hint or Do You Ask?

Many people have a different approach to getting what they want from their mate. Some will hint around to a mate of what it is they desire until they get it. Some will flat-out ask for what they want until they get it. Does one work better than the other?

If you give a hint on something you want then you're relying on your significant other to pick up on the hint and fulfill the desire, right?  That requires your mate to truly pay attention to you. So, if they don't catch on to your hint does that mean that they don't care? Does that mean they are not actively listening to what you're saying?

And if they don't ever catch on to your hints then what do you do?  Constantly ask for what you want or just forget about it and allow your feelings to fade?  Because over time it will frustrate you.

I'm a firm believer that "a closed mouth never gets fed," but there is so much satisfaction in not having to ask for what makes you happy.  Once you put it out there that you like something then you shouldn't have to constantly repeat yourself to get it.  Seeing your mate figure it out for themselves is as gratifying as the act itself.  Anticipating needs of a significant other is the sexiest thing one can do in a relationship.

On the flip side of that, some may prefer fulfillment "on demand."  But, is your mate only doing it because you asked and not necessarily because they wanted to do it? Some people may not care how something gets done as long as it gets done.  I'm just not one of those people, but to each their own.

 How do you try and get what you desire/need in a relationship? Do you hint or do you ask?

If You're Broke Then Don't Date (Man or Woman)

Relationships are easy to get into, but difficult to maintain.  So, it's safe to say that you have to avoid certain pitfalls in order to find one that works.  You have to put yourself in a position to succeed if you want something that could end up in a long term or permanent venture.  In order to be a spouse, you have to become a spouse.

Now, that sounds redundant, but if you heard me say it instead of just reading it then you would think that I was a philosopher or something. :)

To "become a spouse" you have to have your life in order.  Any chaos in your life will transfer to anyone you try to date.  No matter how you try to hide or suppress whatever is causing strife at home it will come to the forefront.  And more than likely it will be the wedge driven between you and your significant other.

One of those things that drives a wedge in relationship is money.  Generally, the lack thereof.  Any time someone doesn't know how their next bill is going to get paid then that's the pure definition of "stress."  You're "robbing Peter to pay Paul," you're getting extensions, paying late fees, and other things just to maintain some necessities in life.  But, you want to go out this weekend with someone you just met?  Child, please.

For men, we're expected by most of society to "court" the woman.  That can mean taking her to dinner, movies, etc.  There are free and inexpensive ways to get to know someone, but that depends on the woman.  There are some women who don't care where you go or what you do.  They just want to spend time with you and be treated with respect.  Most men refer to those women as "potential wives" or the "kind you take home to Momma."  If a woman has to go out to eat, drink, socialize just to be with you then most men like to call them "rentals."  Harsh, but true.

Now this blog does not apply to college students who are usually broke.  We understand your situation.  But as an adult it's imperative that you have some sort of income that will allow you to date.  There are some females who don't require being courted, so they'll be okay with "coming over to chill" at the crib with you.  A DVD and fast food can turn into sex.  You can get by being broke with them because they have lower standards anyway.  That's why I referred to them as "females" instead of "ladies."

However, ladies generally want to be courted and expect the man to entertain.  That actually rubs some guys (notice I said "guys" and not "men") the wrong way.  Some guys will sit back and think, "well, I spent $50 on dinner and she didn't spend a dime.  She owes me."

Well, some women do treat the man every now and then and it's a wonderful and appreciated gesture.  Yet, a lot of guys are quick to holler, "Why doesn't she treat me every other date?  She works a full-time job just like I work one!"

Well, consider this, fellas: most women buy a new outfit when they go out with someone new.  Let's just say hers cost $100.  She also wants to get her hair and nails done.  Add in another $100.  Do you still think that she kept her purse closed for your date?  Absolutely not.  Because she wants to look just as impressive if not more impressive than the time you met her and asked her out.  Guys, you probably actually come out cheaper just paying for dinner than what it cost her to get ready for dinner.  I'm just saying.

So, don't be so quick to ask her to foot the bill when all you did is get a hair cut, um 'kay?

The bottom line is: "Romance without finance is a nuisance."  Money isn't necessary to have a good time and enjoy someone, but in today's society it's very important.  Very little is free these days, so finding entertainment can be costly depending on where you live.  So, if you find someone worthy of your time then be in a place where both of you aren't restricted because of finances.  Being financially secure can give you a peace of mind that can make you a lot more pleasant to date.

XX vs. XY Presents @DirtyinPublic

Welcome to another installment of "XX vs XY" as I mix it up with a female guest blogger! This is a series that you will see every now and then that takes a view point from a woman's perspective and puts it against my viewpoint from a man's perspective. The guest and I won't necessarily be challenging each other on a topic, but instead will be discussing it from our points of view. It could be two totally different angles on the same subject which will display how the genders' minds work. 

Who is this female guest I'm speaking of? She's Marrie Lobel from the award-winning Dirty in Public website! She has a great blog and she's one half of an amazing podcast on relationships called Mr. n Mrs. Romance. So, without further ado... Take it away, Marrie...

People Who Pass Judgment on Sexual Behavior

@DirtyinPublic

Threesomes, BDSM, or public sex; when it comes to sexual fantasies, where’s the line between cool kink and scary freak? From my observations judgments lay between what an individual has done and what scares the shit out of them. Arbitrary verdicts about what is “normal” or “nauseating” are made based on feeling aroused or utterly disgusted. Meaning judgments aren’t passed out of reverence for a 3000 year old book or a respected family member's teaching but from personal experience and pleasure.

When discussing sexual fantasies and desires among consenting adults, more can be said about those passing judgment than those who respectfully explore their sexuality. In reality there is no “normal” and qualifying an erotic thought as deviant, atypical or abnormal depends on the person being asked and when a large sample were asked their answers revealed there is no typical. Of course there are pathological sexual behaviors; those that involve non-consent or pain to achieve sexual satisfaction, for example, but those are not what most typically encounter and rarely harbor sanctuary.

Frankly, when someone judges another’s sexual desire or behavior as “bad” or “abnormal” I feel it exposes their own insecurities about their own sexuality and their inability to open their mind to alternative ways of thinking. By saying this I’m not encouraging anyone to betray their own comfort levels but to accept others are different. Simply chalk it up to sexual compatibility…or lack thereof. 

It’s true the key to any relationship involving sexual intimacy, whether it’s a one night stand or long term commitment, requires both involved to feel chemistry, consent, respect, and pleasure; however, when it comes to pleasure, each of us experience it differently. One person’s naughty can be the others’ nice. So, next time rather than playing Santa (unless that’s the kink) by banishing them to the naughty list consider freeing your mind and letting go of judgments.

Now it's my turn. There are a lot of people in the world.  That means that there are a lot of different tastes and preferences.  Who am I to judge or say that someone's preference of something is wrong because it doesn't equal mine?  Especially when it comes to sex.

I'm from the Bible Belt state of Mississippi where sex is often taught to us as being a bad thing.  It's rarely taught as anything involving pleasure.  It's almost as if it's strictly for reproduction and never for recreation.  These same people who have made themselves authority figures over sex also preside over what's considered "acceptable" sex and what's not.

As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to sex: do you.  Whatever makes you happy that isn't illegal is quite alright with me.  If you want to tie someone up, use fruit, or even bring in an additional person or two then that's your business.  If you want to abstain from sex altogether until marriage then that's fine, too.  Yet some are even criticized for doing that which is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm sure most of the people who are judging are either participating in some of the same acts or have done even more kinkier stuff.  How many times have we seen a male politician bash gay people during a campaign only to get caught with his pants down (literally) with another man?  Or someone who has a strong stance on prostitution but gets caught in the back seat of a Cadillac with a hooker?  Or maybe they're just mad because they can't find someone to do freaky stuff with them.

What makes a person quick to say "what happens in your bedroom is your business" but then turn around and criticize people who "aren't the norm"?  The hypocrisy is overwhelming in this country if you ask me.  There is no "norm" when it comes to sex.  There are plenty of things that I would never do, but I won't hate on someone if that's their thing.  Criticizing someone for their sexual preferences is like criticizing someone who orders coffee off of Starbucks menu that you don't like.  Just because you don't drink it doesn't mean that it's wrong for someone else to try it.  If you don't like it then don't order it.

It's just that simple.

Next on "XX vs XY" will be Tasha Mac...

Once A Momma's Boy, Always A Momma's Boy?

Ladies, he appears to be the perfect gentleman. He opens doors. He pulls out chairs. He even respects you enough to let you order first at dinner. Everything is perfect until... the phone rings... he answers it and his face lights up... Before you even have a chance to ponder if he's cheating or not, you hear him say, "Hi, Mom!"

It doesn't sound like it should be anything bad.  But, your man is a momma's boy.  When his mom calls then she becomes Priority One and you temporarily get kicked to the curb.  Maybe his mom was a single parent and her son feels like he owes her everything.  Or maybe he just appreciates what his mom has done for him.  Regardless of the reason, he's always putting his mom first and extending his undying loyalty to her.

What is it like being a "side chick" to his mother?  Because that's what your relationship becomes whenever she's in the picture.  This has to be frustrating as a woman when a man can't seem to "get off the teat."  For the most part, a woman and man can still function as a couple despite him loving his mom a bit more than what his lady may prefer.  However, will he ever get over mom and make his lady his #1?

Can a man grow out of being a momma's boy?