Friday, September 28, 2012

Things That Affect Your Daily Life

It's almost Election Day and you can tell it's close by all of the ads showing on TV each day.  I always wonder just how much better the economy would be if people would put the money spent from campaigning into actually creating jobs.


Oh, well.  I know it's just a pipe dream, but maybe one day politics will make sense.  Who am I fooling?  It never will.  We'll continue to put people in office who only have interest in keeping their jobs.  Every now and then you'll find someone genuine who truly wants to help, but they usually don't last long.  The other politicians will find ways to get rid of that person or vote against everything proposed.

The best way for us to fight selfish agendas locally and in Washington is to vote for people who have our interests at heart.  And no, I don't mean someone who may or may not ban guns, or who may or may not have a war on drugs/terrorism.  Those aren't interests, those are political platforms.  There is a difference and the state of our country depends on you knowing the difference.

Your interests are things that affect your daily life

Can you buy groceries? 
Are your bills being paid on time? 
Do you have enough for retirement? 
Are your kids getting a decent education? 
Is your environment absent of pollution? 
Are your neighborhoods safe?

Yet, we argue over a war on the other side of the world, whether rape victims can get an abortion, apples in vending machines and if marijuana should be legal.  The list goes on.

Do you see how stupid that is?  Every day, our focus is on things that do not affect the average person's daily life.  I don't know about you, but I don't know anyone who gets daily abortions, but I know people who need to eat three times per day.  I don't care if you want to believe in a religion different than mine or none at all, but I care about my god kids being able to afford college.  I don't care if my taxes are raised as long as I have a salary fair enough for me to afford it.

Do you see where I'm going?  Each day, we're beaten over the head by "news" that tells us what we should be upset over.  They tell us that only a Democrat or a Republican can solve our problems.  Two rich parties that spend more money campaigning to get themselves re-elected than you'll ever make in 200 lifetimes.
I'm not telling you to abstain from voting.  That's probably the absolute dumbest choice of them all.  If you don't vote, then you don't count.  What I am saying is to vote responsibly.  Don't let family tradition lead you down another generation of stupidity.  Do your homework and vote to promote your daily life and not these fabricated political issues.

Don't be the fool who brags, "I helped get marijuana legalized" and you can't even afford to buy it because you're unemployed.

Don't be the idiot who pumps his chest over voting for/against gay marriage and your kid has a metal detector at his/her school because of recent classroom shootings.

Don't be the nut who jumps for joy that 25,000 more soldiers are sent overseas while 35,000 jobs go with them.

It's time to put on your big boy/girl pants and think for yourself for a change.  Stop letting CNN, MSNBC and FOX News put thoughts in your head.  Learn how to separate the real from the manufactured.  These people rely on you being emotional about what they're saying instead of logical.  That's why they have these outrageous stories and headlines to push your buttons.  Emotional people make stupid decisions.

So, the next time you turn on one of those "news" channels, be sure to take the time to ask yourself after each segment of the show, "is who a person is praying to, sleeping with, etc. affecting my ability to put food on the table and keep the lights on?"

What percentage of politicians do you think really care about the United States?

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Blow Bill. Book Deal.

"Hey, Hillary!  Hey, girl!"

She's baaaaacccckkk! After 14 years, Monica Lewinsky, everyone's favorite White House intern has returned! Well, by "everyone," I mean men.

She's reportedly received a $12 million deal to tell how she and President Bill Clinton "got it on" under the nose of Hillary Clinton in the White House. 

According to the Huffington Post, a friend of Monica's said, "She has been through enough already and all this happened 14 years ago. She has put it behind her and moved on with her life."


Choke yourself, fool. If she was past it, then she wouldn't be releasing a book on how she she gave oral in the Oval.  I can't stand when someone makes such an idiotic statement in an attempt to protect someone who doesn't deserve it.

Yes, I said that she doesn't deserve it.  Although I never thought that Monica Lewinsky was attempting to gain fame back in 1998, she was still a bad person for what she did.  Sure, she was only 21 years old when she was "taken advantage of," but even 16 year olds understand the concept of being a "side piece."  She knew exactly what and who she was doing when she did Bill.  Back then, I honestly thought that her intention was to steal Bill from Hillary.  So, because of that, I never thought she was anything other than a jaded lover.  However, the money she's made from spreading the news on her and Bill with interviews and now a new book qualifies her as a whore.

Whore (noun): a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money.

The fact that defines it as "a woman" may be a little sexist.  LOL!  But, I digress.  Now, before any of you fix your mouth to say, "But, Q, Bill cheated.  Why aren't you chastising him?"

Because Bill didn't use this story to elevate his social status in the world.  He was already the President of the U.S. and a well-documented cheat.  He didn't sleep with Monica to get paid, he slept with her to get his rocks off.  That doesn't make him a good guy, but it doesn't make him a hooker either.

Monica flipped this into interviews, books and even had a TV show shortly after the scandal went public.  Only in America can you be a mistress, gold digger or low-budget porn star and get treated like a hero or role model.

Monica was the blueprint for many famous people that we see on TV now.  Kim Kardashian, Amy Fisher and quite a few others went from scandal to household name.  She took what most people, from before my generation, would have been ashamed to admit and turned it into fame and fortune.  Do you remember way back in the day when people used to cheat and actually tried to hide it?  Yeah, those were the good ol' days, huh?  Now, not only will someone steal your significant other from you, they will email the photos/videos of it to you as well.  There's no self-respect now.

Monica will make plenty of money once she releases her book.  I do think that people are still nosy enough to want to know about how Bill and her "got down."  They'll want to hear if he said anything negative about Hillary.  They'll want to hear how Monica, keeping that nasty, stained dress, was simply keeping a memento of the man that she loved and that it wasn't "insurance."  Miss Lewinsky just wants you to understand where her state of mind was back in the late '90's.  She wants to convince the public that she didn't go into the relationship thinking "blow Bill, book deal."  She's not interested at all in being a household name at all, right?

When it's all said and done, remember that you can't spell "household" name without the "ho."

"Like this, right, Monica?"

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Meet Me at the Cheesecake Factory!

"Meet me at the Cheesecake Factory!"
People are stupid. I mean really stupid. The older that I get, the more that I believe it. I remember when I was a teen how wise I used to think 20-somethings and 30-somethings were.

Boy, was I wrong. Not all of them were wise. I was just too dumb at the time to realize that they weren't smart. The D+ student is king in the land of F students, right?

But, here are some things that I don't understand about people: Why is it so difficult to avoid something that other people have fallen for? Vince Young is arguably the great college football player in the last 25 years. He was drafted very high in the NFL by the Tennessee Titans and made over $25 million dollars. In roughly six years, he's now out of football and on the verge of being broke.

How is this possible in today's society? Athletes have gone broke time-and-time again, yet you can't figure out how not to spend approximately $11,000 per day? Of course, Vince, like many athletes, blames his "management" for his losses, but let's take a look at how some of his money was spent, shall we?

Allegedly, he spent $5,000 per week at the Cheesecake Factory. Now, I know that the CF has great food, but $5k per week? Surely that amount has to be an exaggeration, but even if it's close, then that's still sad.  TGI Friday's named a drink after him after he dropped $6k in one night at one of their locations.

Next, it was reported that he once bought 127 plane tickets because he wanted to fly alone. Lucky for the 10 people who happened to purchase their tickets before Vince bought up all of the seats.

He drinks $600 shots of a liquor called Louis XIII on top of a rumor that he and LenDale White, a former teammate, drank 75 shots of Patron in 30 minutes.  If that's true, then that's probably why neither one of them are playing now.

A stripper said he dropped $50k in one night and so on and so on.  You get the point by now.  Another athlete's bank account bites the dust.  For some reason, some athletes just can't seem to realize that "buying the bar," going to strip clubs, having multiple babies by multiple women, purchasing excessive jewelry, cars, homes, etc. will all lead to "Would you like to Super Size your order, ma'am?"

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Cats Are The Devil

Maybe I should have named our kitten "Damien" or "Carrie."
When Maira gave me my kitten, I had no idea what I was in for at the time.  I've seen shows on Animal Planet about "cats from hell," but I figured those were special circumstances.  After owning a cat for exactly one month (at the time I started this post), I know for a fact that my kitten is a minion of Satan.  I'm just saying.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I think that Char is one of the most entertaining pets I've ever had.  As someone who only grew up as a dog owner, having a cat for the first time is different.  Especially since this is my first indoor pet as well.  

However, I am confirming some things that I already knew: cats are the devil.  No doubt.  I've never met an animal who gets its way regardless of how you feel.  Regardless of how many times I tell Char "no," she still tries me.  She does respond to my voice pretty well, but The Mrs... well, that's another story.

I got the kitten for The Mrs. and she gets terrorized at times.  Okay, maybe "terrorized" is the wrong word, but Char looks at her fingers as a chew toy.  Whenever The Mrs. does anything within Char's reach, her fingers get attacked.  It was cute during the first week, but now, it's irritating.

I took @MarjorieMcAtee's advice and bought "his and her" water guns for The Mrs. and I.  We run out of water constantly.  The water only serves as a temporary deterrent to Char.  She'll run off only to come back less than a minute later to continue doing whatever it was that got her sprayed.

I'm not sure if cats just have short term memories or just don't care, but she just doesn't learn as quickly as dogs that I've owned.  Still, she's such a cute and funny animal, that I wouldn't think of giving up on her.  I'll cut her some slack since I'm sure that since I'm new to owning a cat and The Mrs. hasn't owned once since childhood, that we may have missed some opportunities to train her.

So, each day, I'll do what I can to train her.  I also have to cat-proof some things.  Last week, she stepped on the "Off" switch on my surge protector and turned my TV and DVR off.  Had that occurred during a football game, then I would have lost it.  And it's only a matter of time before she's able to jump high enough to reach the top of my entertainment center where my plasma is located.  All bets are off at that point!

I have been met with a dilemma though: I was considering having Char de-clawed until someone explained to me how the process worked.  Now, I'm reluctant to do so given the procedure.

Am I overreacting on the de-clawing process or is there a better alternative to it?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

How to Use Men

Him thinking: "How can I sleep with her?" Her thinking: "He's such a dear friend."
Okay, maybe the title "How to Use Men" is a bit misleading.  I'm not referring to using them for money, sex or anything like that.  I'm talking about ladies using men as a resource to understanding other men.

I have a lot of female associates. Luckily, The Mrs. understands this and isn't the jealous type, but I've always attracted women. Not because I'm a Denzel or anything because I'm far from a 10. It's because of the educational value that I offer that benefits my female homies. They're able to use me to help them with their personal relationships with potential suitors. How so? I'll explain.

I've always been one to get caught in "The Friend Zone." Because I was not the aggressive type as a youth, I tended to fall into The Friend Zone rather than The Boyfriend Zone when it came to women. If you're too passive around some women, then they start to view you as a brother rather than a lover. It's an unfortunate thing that I had to deal with until my mid-20's when I started asking for what I wanted instead of waiting for it to be offered. But, that's another story for another day. One of the things women are able to appreciate me for is #1 on the list:

I've been told that I'm brutally honest. Some will even argue more brutal than honest, but whatever. I don't care to sugar-coat anything. For what? Some things just need to be said. It's not to hurt anyone's feelings or anything, but it can be just as hurtful to make something that is bad sound not so bad.

How to let things go
Men don't normally hold grudges like women. Well, these Millenials might since they tend to be more emotional than the generations before them. But, most men tend to stick to archaic ways of resolving problems. When I have an argument with another dude, it may get heated, but it normally ends with us talking sports 20 minutes later. It's no big deal to us.  Women, on the other hand, tend to take something simple and turn it into "The Grudge."  I think that my female friends learn to let things go by following my example.  I don't have time to spend being mad at someone.  If someone can upset you for more than 20 minutes, then they're controlling you.

If a woman comes to me with a relationship issue, then I normally ask the following question: "am I a shoulder to cry on or do you want feedback?"

If it's the latter, then that's exactly what she'll get.  In other words, once she lays out what happened between her and her significant other, then I will let her know (in my opinion) where things went wrong.  That includes if she is part of the problem.  A lot of women I know tend to be cheerleaders when it comes to their female friends' problems.

"Girl, he was wrong to do that to you."

"Girl, I'd leave him if I were you."

"Girl, all men are dogs."

Side note, ladies: You male friend WILL sleep with you if you slip.  LOL!
Nope, not here.  I'm not a rah-rah type of guy.  If you did something wrong, then I will tell you about yourself.  A friend isn't supposed to be on your side all of the time.  Sometimes it takes a good friend to let you know when you are wrong. If he did something vile to you, then I'll tell you to leave him. Not, "it will get better" or "give it a chance." If it's a vile act, then "push on like Flintstone" and find someone else. I can't understand unmarried people who waste time in a relationship only to be in the same spot a year later.

So, to the ladies out there, there are some guys who are more than willing to help you have a better relationship.  Men are not as complicated as you all make us out to be.  In fact, we're quite the opposite.  It's good to have someone in your corner to remind you of that when you start over-thinking things.  "Paralysis by analysis" is the best way to put it.

I want to be the guy to help you ladies out.  I will offer you the best advice that a man can give.  For the low, low price of just $19.95...

Ladies, do you have that one go-to male friend for advice?
Fellas, have you ever played the big brother role for a female friend?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

i Don't Hate iPhones

The iPhone 5 has been announced and Twitter has lost its mind. People are tweeting the same info over and over again in an attempt to be the first to announce something we've known since the early summer.

Then again, maybe that's unfair.  I'm a geek, so I keep up with that type of stuff.  I knew about the "secret" announcement a while ago from information "leaks" on the Web.  Now that the day has arrived, like the previous four iPhone launches, I don't care.

Well, let me retract that.  The first iPhone was a big deal, but I was working with AT&T (Wireless) at the time, so I was immersed in it.  Long hours and crazy demands during that time period.  From what I hear, the same applies now.  No vacations are allowed for employees during an iPhone launch week from what I've been told.  That's the way it was when I was there, too.  But, there's the thing: I don't care for iPhones.  They don't thrill me any more than a pair of Nike Air Jordans that people stand in line for every other season.

Let me run down a list of reasons why I'll be once again passing on the "new" iPhone:

1) I hate paying new money for something that looks like an old product.  Although this iPhone does look a little different and better than the i4s, it's still basically the same phone with upgraded software and processor.  I like my new products to look new.  Don't buy my car, put an air freshener in it and try to sell it back to me at a much higher price.  That's what Apple (and EA Sports, too...) tend to do in my opinion.

Why everyone who owned an i4 ran out to buy an i4S is beyond me.  They virtually only got an upgrade to Siri and I can vouch for the fact that she works nothing like the commercials.  Samuel L. Jackson would be cursing out the real Siri and Zooey Deschannel would have been met with "I don't understand" replies.

2) This is more of a question: do all iPhones have to have that same old tired applications layout?  Can you customize an iPhone at all?  Someone will have to fill me in on that one.

Same old screen? (Source)
3) I refuse to stand in line to buy something that everyone has.  I like to be different.  I will admit that if I thought that iPhones were the absolute best cell phones out there, then I'd own it.  But, since I know that there are other phones that get just as good, if not better, ratings, I'll pass.

Now, there are some things about the iPhone that I do like:

1) Powerful processing is important when it comes to phones.  Apple does a great job in this department which is why their products tend to run so smoothly.  The new A6 processor is expected to be double the power of the previous i4S which is impressive.  Rumored to be quad core, this phone could run rings around a lot of the competition.

2) Apple's marketing strategy is absolutely amazing!  Now, that has nothing to do with the performance of the phone, but Apple's ability to tweak a product, put a "new phone" price on it and still cause people to stand in line for it is amazing!  Their Apple-only environment insures that everything is completely compatible and works flawlessly together from iTunes to the Apple TV.

3) Apple is the reason smartphones are so great these days.  The reason Motorola, Samsung and others got off their butts to improve their products is because of the original iPhone.

Having said all of that, the iPhone is no longer the leader in technology.  Sure, they'll make a ton of more money than the other companies, but the technology is very 2011.  More like early 2011.
  • At one time, iPhones were unmatched when it came to memory capacity, but now the Galaxy III also has models with 64GB storage.  
  • Although Siri was a big hit and was one of the first of its kind, it doesn't nearly perform as well as the TV ads insinuated.  Some Android users would argue that Google has a better product in Iris ("Siri" spelled backwards).  
  • iPhones are just now getting to a 4" screen while the Samsung Galaxy III is almost pushing 5".  
  • Apple is just now getting their phone to LTE while other phones have been there for a while now (granted LTE is still limited).
  • The Retina Display looks great, but the resolution of an iPhone isn't HD at all (1136 x 640).  In fact, the front-facing camera has a higher resolution (1280 x 720) than the phone itself.  But, the display on the iPhones do look really good.

My next phone is on the far right (Source)
So, to those who think that just because I call things like I see it that I'm a hater, then whatever. I Don't hate iPhones. Heck, I have a second generation iPad and I love it.  I just don't give any technology the benefit of the doubt without making a comparison or two first, that's all.  Some people just want something simple that works and frankly, you can't go wrong with an iPhone.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Screech! Bang!

Ignore my cell phone holder on the right. :)
Screech! Bang! Those are the two sounds that I hear whenever the rain is coming down hard and I'm on Interstate 55 traveling.

I'm not sure how things are in your state, but here in Mississippi, rain has no effect on most drivers. Even if the roads can be slick and the rain can get heavy, it's not uncommon to see someone driving 75 mph past you on I-55.

You'll see someone pass you, as if they're riding with velcro tires on a carpet, only to see them five miles down the road facing the opposite direction in the ditch or in the median.

Why do people drive so freakin' fast in the rain?  I don't get it.  Water is wet.  Wet is slippery.  Slippery is dangerous.  What is there not to get?

Back in April, I'm driving during a downpour and although the speed limit in the area I was traveling is 60 mph, but I was driving around 50 mph.  The reason I went slower is because that seemed to be a nice, controlled speed in which I felt comfortable that I could handle my vehicle if something were to go wrong.

People were passing me doing 65, 70 or as much as 75 mph!  I thought that people would slow down when approaching a dangerous part of I-55 called "Waterworks Curve."  This particular curve has probably caused more accidents than any other place in the Jackson Metro area.

Well, I was wrong to think that as you can see in the video below...

They're just zooming past me and into the first part of the curve like the weather is dry. The Waterworks Curve has 4 curves in it like two S's attached from top to bottom yet people act as if they're driving on the Autobahn in a Lamborghini.  I just shook my head and continued to watch for spinning cars.  I knew that it was bound to happen.

About five years ago, a former co-worker of mine had a car accident during a storm.  She was driving down I-55 and hit a puddle of water.  The next thing she remembered was waking up to a paramedic's flashlight in her eyes.  Luckily, she wasn't hurt badly.  However, when she returned to work a few days later, I was speaking to her in the break room.  "Q," she started, "I'm suing Goodyear."

"Goodyear Tires?" I asked.

"Yeah," she replied.  "They sold me all-weather tires and I still hydroplaned and wrecked the other day."

I started laughing until I realized that she was dead-serious.  "You can't sue Goodyear for driving too fast!" I exclaimed.  "That's like suing Chevrolet for their airbag not protecting you after driving over a cliff.  You have to maintain a certain level of responsibility no matter the safety claims."

The stunned look on her face spoke volumes.  She either never thought about it or just didn't have someone to teach her that all-weather tires are to assist you in controlling your vehicle, not prevent you from crashing it.


Is that the problem with all of these people that I see flying past me on the street?  Did no one take time to explain things the way that my parents did?  I can recall my father telling me (way before driving age) that when I got old enough to drive that I should ignore the speed limit in bad weather and drive safely.  I'd like to honestly think that had he not instructed me, that I would have figured it out for myself since I'm "Mr. Common Sense" and all.  But, living in today's society where people let others do the thinking for them, it is even more important that parents explain how driving is a privledge and not a right.  They can also explain how a car can hydroplane in two inches of water, too.

After visiting downtown, The Mrs. and I started to make our way back home and guess what we see?

Do you think that most people don't understand how to drive according to conditions?

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My Uncle Bernie

Well, he was really my great uncle...  Anyway, since my mom passed away in June, I've spent a lot more time with my father.  I've also paid a lot closer attention to the stories that he tells about his childhood.  After all, I may some day have to pass these family stories down myself.  Then again, I don't have any kids.  I guess I could tell my god kids, but they wouldn't understand the dynamic of my family.  Maybe my cousin will pass it on to his kids.  In the meantime, I guess I'll share this one with you.

My Uncle Bernie was a character.  He was my grandmother's brother (father's side) and he is the subject of many funny, family stories.  For the most part, he was very mild-mannered and didn't have much to say.  That is, until you get a drink or two in him.

When my Uncle Bernie had a few sips, he became a "Me vs. The World" type of guy.  I remember him when I was younger and I'm guessing I was about 10 years old or so when he passed away.  Of course, I was too young to remember a lot of his antics that may have occurred when I was around.  After all, kids used to be kids back then.  We stayed out of grown people's business.

My father told me of a story that happened before I was born about a man who once came by looking for my great aunt, Leanne.  Who this man was is still a mystery to us to this day because Uncle Bernie rarely asked questions. He just frustrated you with short answers until you left him alone.

Uncle Bernie was sitting on the porch having a drink and cleaning his church shoes when a car pulled up.  My uncle was immediately skeptical because he didn't recognize the car.  Out pops a middle-aged white guy dressed in a suit.  Now, I specify the man's race because it does play a role in the story.  My uncle was not a fan of white people (especially back when this incident occurred - approx. 1960).  Luckily, that's not a trait that I inherited.  Quite a few of my older relatives had some very bad experiences with racism prior to 1975 before things got slightly better in Mississippi.

So, when it came to Uncle Bernie: Alcohol + White Men = Sarcasm.  The man approached the porch and my uncle never looked up from cleaning his shoes.  "How are you doing, sir?" the man asked.

"I'm doing well," Uncle Bernie replied.

"Is Leanne home?"

"No, she isn't."

"Do you know where she is?" the man asked as he put his foot on the first step of the porch.

Not my uncle's house, but it does look like it a bit.
That's when my Uncle Bernie looked up, first glancing at the foot on his porch and then the man.  My uncle was a skinny guy (his nickname was "Rib").  About 5'8" and 115 lbs.  He talked slowly with a raspy voice and he had a look that he would give you as if he wanted to punch you in the mouth.  He gave that look to the man.

"Yeah, I know where she is," he finally replied after staring at the man for up to 10 seconds.

The man paused for the answer of my aunt's location only to be met with silence as Uncle Bernie lowered his head and focused back on cleaning his shoes.  After about 10 more seconds of silence, the man finally spoke softly, "can you tell me where?"

Uncle Bernie looked up again.  He's clearly agitated at this point because he's being disturbed from cleaning his shoes.  After another uncomfortable moment of silence, "Yeah, I can tell you...  She's at the church."

There was a church within walking distance of where my uncle lived.  It was a church in which a majority of our family were members.  "Do you expect her back soon?" the man asked knowing that he was pushing his luck.


"How long has she been gone?"

Uncle Bernie then looked up and put his shoes down which caused the nervous man to take his foot off the first step of the porch.  "About 15 years," he replied while staring intensely.

The man laughed at what he thought was a joke until he realized that my uncle wasn't laughing.  "Okay, I'll go up there and see if I can find her," the man said as he put his hat back on and turned towards his car.

He had just gotten his right leg in his vehicle when my uncle got his attention one last time, "Hey," he started.  "don't you want to know where to find her when you get there?"

"Yes, sir, that would be most helpful," smiled the man thinking he'd finally broken through my great uncle's tough exterior.

Uncle Bernie started rattling off directions, "go into the church parking lot and go all the way to the back.  Get out and walk about 30 feet and look down.  She's buried right next to my daddy's grave."

The man looked horrified and mad at the same time after he put 2 and 2 together.  He never responded as he quickly got in his car and sped away up the dirt road leaving a huge trail of dust.

My great Uncle Bernie sure was mean when he was drunk.

Do you have a family member who just doesn't play nicely with others?

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Tippin' Isn't A City in China

Despite the fact that I hate doing this, I must throw out a disclaimer: I was 18 years old and very immature! So, if someone reads this and gets upset over what (almost) happened, then remember that I was a kid.  Now, on to the story...

Going to school on a campus in the middle of nowhere can be boring. Very boring. My homies and I decided that this particular Friday night, we were going to do something different. I had no idea what they had in mind. All I knew is that it was Friday night, 70% of the campus had obviously gone home for the weekend and it was absolutely nothing to do.

One of my homies was from Shaw, MS. In fact, I never knew his real name and always referred to him as "Shaw." The other guy was from Tyler, TX and guess what we called him? We called him "Al." Duh! That was his name. Nah, seriously, everyone called him "Ty." I guess we weren't very creative at this particular time of our lives. Two guys from two small towns in two different states, but apprarently, they both have a similar, late-night hobby. "Q," started Shaw, "I know what we can do, man. Grab your keys."

I didn't hesitate. I was just about down for whatever. We were halfway to the car before I asked, "where are we going?"

"I'll tell you later, but for now, I just need you to drive," he replied.

We hopped in the car and started heading towards town. The closest town, Greenwood, is about eight miles away. We arrived at the city limits, I asked again, "where are we going?"

"Just keep driving. It's going to be a while," he smiled.

I'm not nervous yet. Although I don't normally hang with these two guys, I knew them well enough to know that they weren't criminals or anything. So, I didn't feel like I was heading towards something that would land me in trouble.

After another 30 minutes of driving north towards Senatobia, MS, I asked again, "man, I'm going to turn around unless you tell me where we're going. I'm not driving to Memphis tonight. It's 1 AM."

"Give me 20 more minutes, Q, and we'll be there," Shaw assured.

Sure enough, 20 minutes later, Shaw told me to pull over on the side of Interstate 55. "Right here, right here," he said looking out of the passenger window.

I looked out the window as well and noticed a pasture. "I don't see anything," I said.

"Q," Ty started, "we're going 'cow tippin',' dude!"

Now, I wasn't raised on a farm or anything, but I definitely knew what "cow tipping" was. "Tippin'" isn't a city in China.  I had once been told that cows "sleep" (or get in a relaxed state) while standing. The object of "cow tipping" is to push them while they are in that state and watch them fall.  I'd never seen it done before, but I'd heard about it in high school from some guys. However, because I'm not down with farm animals whatsoever, I was not comfortable at all around them and had no plans of participating.

"Okay, Q," started Ty, "here's what you gotta do..."

"Oh, I'm not going out there!" I responded.

"Man, these cows ain't gonna hurt you," Ty laughed. "Well, if you let them catch you, then you may get hurt. Just sneak up on them, get a running start, use your hands to push them and turn around and run."

I looked at this one cow that was about 20 yards from the fenceline. I thought to myself that I could do it. "Don't use your shoulder to knock them over!" Shaw instructed. "Use your hands becasue it doesn't take much."

I'm really psyched up at this point. I thought about being able to have a story to tell one day. I guess I was right about that part!

I slipped in between the barbwire fence while I tried to ignore the giggles from Shaw and Ty. There were roughly 10-15 cows in the area and all of them were absolutely still. The only light that I had was a full moon, so I could not see very far in front of me, but it was enough light for me to recognize a bull if I saw one! I got about 60 feet from the fence and very close to the "target cow." I'm amazed at how relaxed she is. I can't tell if she's asleep or just hasn't noticed my presence.  But, the cow is much larger than I thought before entering the fenced-in pasture. There was no way that I could simply push her over. That line of thinking is where I made my mistake. I'd never asked Ty or Shaw why I shouldn't use my shoulder when "cow tipping." I guess that I should have.

As I got within striking distance of the cow, I took a quick peek back towards the guys. I could barely see them as the moon slid behind a few clouds. I faced my prey, took three strong steps, lowered my shoulder and prepared to put every inch of muscle that I had into toppling the bovine.

Well, some where between lunging at the cow and hitting the ground, I realized that cows really aren't asleep when they're standing around at night time.  That's just a myth.  The cow easily moved out of my way and I fell and hit the ground face first.

Memo to readers: cows tend to get pretty rowdy when you attempt to shove them.

The cow went nuts! It was mooing and stuff as I was trying to get off of the ground. Then I could hear the sounds of the other cows in the pasture mooing like some sort of alarm system. The sounds seemed to be coming from all over and grew louder and louder. How many cows were actually out here?  50?  100?  I hopped to my feet and started running back to the fence as the sound of hooves filled my ears. "I'm going to get trampled," I thought to myself.
As I started running towards the fence like an Olympian, the guys started to come into view. "Run, Q, he's right behind you!" I heard one of them yell.

I knew that I didn't have time to stop and slowly make my way through the barbwire fence without being caught from behind. My only option was to dive over it. At this point, the sound of the apparent stampede no longer filled my ears. It was just my heartbeat as I got within a few feet of the fence. I dove over the fence like Michael Phelps dives into a pool, but because the fence was so high, the barbs barely caught me at the top of the chest and scratched me all the way to the top of my thighs.

I landed on the other side and rolled over a couple of times not even realizing that I'd been cut. I looked back to see just how close the "killer cows" were to me only to notice that they'd all run the opposite way. I was never being chased. The sound of hooves running that I heard were the cows running from me.

I glanced over at Ty and Shaw and they are on the verge of pissing on themselves from laughing at me. I looked down at my t-shirt and notice that it's ripped from a few inches beneath each shoulder and all the way to the bottom. The top of my short pants are also ripped.  I'm really thinking about leaving Ty and Shaw on the side of the road at this point, but they were already getting in the car.

I started to smile about the whole thing as we got back on the interstate and eventually I started laughing with them. Ty and Shaw continued to laugh until I pulled into a gas station and told them to fill up my gas tank or hitchhike back to school.  Funny or not, college students are broke and driving that far for a laugh comes with a cost.

We arrived back at the dormitory and they immediately started reciting the story to the few people still left on our floor. I shook my head and walked to my room to change clothes. As I got undressed, I noticed two long, lightly-bleeding scratches from my chest all the way down to my thighs. I stared in amazement for a moment and then thought to myself, "had that fence been an inch higher, then I would have seriously torn into my flesh."

Thank God there were no cell phone cameras or "Tosh.0" back in 1989 or all of you may have already seen what I've just described by now.

"Next time, we're taking out your knees, hoss." (Source)

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