Monday, August 30, 2010

Can The Minimum Wage Brothas Get Some Love, Too?

In today's society, we see Brad Pitt, LeBron James and even freakin' Justin Beiber with a following. They have fame, money and the spotlight in front of many cameras.

What if the world were different? What if the roles were reversed?

Instead of musicians, actors and athletes getting all of the glory, what if regular every day workers got the attention?

Imagine if Rasheed, Wal-mart employee, got all of the glory?

Instead of hundreds of cameras flashing just like when LeBron throws his ceremonial baby powder into the air before he starts work on the court, the cameras would flash when Rasheed clocks in to work!

His co-worker walks up on him and says, "Yo, Rasheed, you have six ladies waiting for you to handle clean up on Aisle 6 for that busted Pepsi Max 2-Liter."

"Man, I hate Wal-Mart groupies", replies Rasheed. "I just want to do my job and have my privacy like I told Oprah on her show last week."

Or maybe you're the guy working the overnight shift at FedEx Kinko's and you have 500,000 followers on your "CopyDeez" Twitter account.

You see, Carmelo Anthony doesn't have to be the only person ordering hits on Twitter.

Guys, can you imagine walking out of your job at Popeye's to be greeted by 20 screaming ladies at your car? "Nah, baby, I don't have any chicken for you tonight, boo."

Ladies, can the minimum wage brothas get some love, too? This is what I want every female who's reading this to do: get four of your finest friends, go to the nearest fast food restaurant and ask the guy working fries for his autograph. Break out the iPhone and take photos and post them on my "Thank, Q" Facebook page. Do whatever you can to make that guy's day. He may never realize why it's happening, but I guarantee you that he won't care. Look at it as a charitable flash mob event :)

Wow, it's truly dangerous for me to have too much free time on my hands. I'll blog about anything.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Ugly... Ugly... Cute... Cute...

So, I'm taking an extremely rare trip to the mall the other day to buy a pair of dress pants for an event. I despise the mall, so it takes a special occasion for me to make one of my semi-annual trips.

I open the door leading into JCPenney and before I know it... "Ugly... Ugly... Cute... Cute..."

I'm passing judgement on the women I see. It didn't occur to me until after the fourth or fifth woman that I was even doing so. I almost came to a complete stop as I thought to myself, "Has my life been this way since puberty? Do I judge every strange woman I encounter for her physical appearance?"

Yep. I judge attractiveness in strange women. I don't tend to react that way when I meet people, but if you are a stranger just walking by, you've been labeled. For some reason, when I meet people I am actually focused on the person, their name and something distinctive about their speech. I think the way a woman talks, for lack of a better word, "speaks" volumes about her level of intelligence.

But if you're just walking by and the only focus of mine is on you and what you're wearing, then I'm going to harvest a mental opinion of your appearance never to be shared with anyone.

Am I the only person who does this? Surely I'm not. Everyone whose attention is drawn by another person, for better or worse, judges them as "ugly", "cute" or somewhere in between, right?

Even as a married man, I still recognize "unattractive" from "attractive". I guess people think once you're married that sense dies at the altar or something.

Negative, negative.

That sense never dies. I'll be a 91-year old man passing beauty judgments on women. If you look like a fruit bat, then I'll label you as such. If you're magazine-cover ready, then I'll label you as such.

Even The Mrs. knows that I have an opinion on everyone I notice. Every now and then she'll ask if I think someone is cute or not. Some times it catches me off-guard, but I'm honest with her in my answer.

So, now that this has been brought to your attention, you're going to realize that you do this, too, right? I think some people do it without knowing. I don't think there's anything wrong with it because you're not telling the person they're ugly. Besides, don't ugly people know that they're ugly?

Okay, that seemed mean, but if I realize that I'm overweight, why can't they realize they're ugly? And if you're comfortable with you, then who cares what anyone thinks?

So, with that in mind, the next time you're in public and someone happens to catch your eye, what will you think?

"Ugly" or "cute"?

A Lady's Application for a Good Man

Instructions: Have your man fill out the below application in its entirety (or do it for him).

Relationship status:
Married(+50)_ Separated(+31)_ Divorced(+3 each)_ Boy(+31)/Girlfriend(+2)_ Jump off(+1)_ Single/Widowed(0)_

Yes(+2)_ No(0)_ En route(+3)_ Possible(+1)_

(If "yes" or "en route", then number of children and baby mamas: _(+1 each) and _(+3 each)
(subtract -3 points if applicant has custody of child/children)

Criminal record:
Yes(+5)_ No(0)_
(If "yes", then how many felonies(+15 each)_ misdemeanors (+3 each)_

Have you ever assaulted a woman?
Yes(+20)_ No(0)_

Drop out(+10)_
High school diploma(+4)_
Some college(+2)_
Associates degree(+1)_
Bachelors/Active student(0)_

Employed full time:
Yes(0)_ No(+10)_
(subtract -2 for second job)

Employment history:
Please enter your last three jobs including current:
(subtract -3 for every $20,000 of salary over $30,000)

Credit score:
More than 760(-2)_
700 to 759(0)_
620 to 699(+2)_
Less than 620(+5)_


History of contagious diseases/infections:
Yes(+5)_ No(0)_ Awaiting results(+1)_

Valid driver's license:
Yes(0)_ No(+10)_

Vehicle (motorcycles not included):
Yes(0)_ No(+10)_

Owns residence/rents apartment:
Yes(0)_ No(+5)_

Does anyone live with you? Yes(+2 each)_ No(0)_

Recent Dating History:
Please enter how your last long-term relationship ended
(no score / for references only)
(For recruiter use only below this point)

Instructions: Add the scores for each answer to determine eligibility for position.

Scoring Key
36 or higher -> Extremely unqualified
26 to 35 -> Unqualified
16 to 25 -> Average
6 to 15 -> Qualified
1 to 5 -> Extremely qualified

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Lives of 400 Friends

The Mrs. says that I'm addicted to Facebook. Of course an addict doesn't agree that he/she is addicted to anything, but that's another topic for another blog. The point is: I'm on Facebook a lot. I recently hit the 400 friend mark (and failed to get any of the 400 to send me $10 a piece). I have people dating back to elementary school that I've reconnected with over the last year and a half.

So, Facebook allows me into the lives of 400 friends, co-workers and family from ages 13 to 53. And let me tell you, it's very interesting the things I read!

There are many types of people on Facebook and I'm not downing any of them. I just think they're just a microcosm of our society and represent a cyber version of the real world. FB, although not anonymous, is approached with a "chat room mentality". People think they can say/post whatever without consequences. (Of course those who have failed to gain or have lost employment due to their FB posts/updates may feel differently)

But the beauty of FB is that it's a catalyst. It's an electronic version of alcohol that empowers you to say the things you were always afraid to say when sober. Let's start:

The Praise God / F-Bomber
This is the person who will quote a very powerful Bible verse in the morning, but will drop f-bombs about his/her day at work in the evening. It's amazing how many people start their day off with serenity, but end it with chaos.

The FB Militant
This is the person with the conspiracy theories. The cynic that sees the world for what it truly is and wants to share his/her thoughts on it. They have experienced life with eyes wide open and consider themselves visionaries to a certain extent. They're not always right, but they think that they are for the most part. They absolutely have an opinion on everything and if you want to get them started, all you have to do is say: "hey, let me get your take on something..."

Most of you are laughing right now because you're thinking that I just described myself. LOL!

The 'Fakebook' Peacock
This is the person who is "hood rich" on FB. The person who takes a picture of their expensive material things in an attempt to make you think "I've made it". So many of these people will have photos of themselves in front of their Lexus SUV with $3500 rims. Or maybe in every photo they make sure the brand name of whatever expensive clothing item/accessory they're wearing is facing the camera. Most of these people stay with their mom, in a crummy apartment and/or have credit scores lower than the temperature.

The FB Patient
This is the person who puts all of their problems in their status updates as a cry for help. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing depending on the advice being sought. If you're looking for opinions on a service (How's DirecTV?) or product, then it can be very beneficial. But, if you're looking for a life coach (Why can't I find love?) then you're going to probably get 10 bad answers to every good one. But it's something intriguing about a person willing to lay on a virtual leather couch in the doctor's office and have their world analyzed. This is normally where the best dialogue is found in the FB world.

The Just Got An iPhone FB'er
Photos, photos, photos! This is the person who stands in the mirror and poses with a cell photo in their hand. These are generally amongst the more popular FB friends to have because we all like photos.

The Like-Everything-That-Has-A-Funny-Title FB'er
How many times have you looked on The Wall and saw this from one of your friends: "Likes I'm the last person you want to ask for money and 32 other pages"? This person uses sayings and causes to define who they are. Not all of it is bad, but some of it is way over the top. Most of the time, this person is also the FB gamer who begs you to sell them a pig or something in Farmville.

So, there you go. Now you know why FB has become an addiction for me as The Mrs. states. There are so many interesting people in those types. I enjoy interacting with my 400 FB friends. I learn so much from peering into the cyber window of other people's lives. Some of what I learn fuels my drive to add more to my blog in an attempt to guide others.

We all have different personalities and regardless if I agree with many I encounter or not, I still have an appreciation for them all.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Who Is Raising Who?

I once went to Majestic Burger in Maywood Mart for lunch. Majestic has one of the best turkey burgers in town. I place my order and sit down. Just as I'm getting ready to grab my cell and call The Mrs. to see what she's up to, "trouble" walks up.

A kid roughly around three years old with his (I'm assuming) mother and grandmother. Now, before you say, "Oooh, Q, that is so mean to call that kid 'trouble'. He's just a kid!" Well, I'm not talking about the kid. I'm talking about the mother!

Before I elaborate, let me give a disclaimer: if the next sentence offends you because it describes you, then stop reading immediately because I'm not sugar-coating a thing.

There is nothing that bothers me more than a parent who negotiates with their child. (Negotiating parents exit here)

I realize that everyone has a different way of raising their children, but if you negotiate with your child to do basic things, then I really think the probability of the child being a spoiled brat as an adult is high.

Back to the story... Mom (for the story, we'll call her Polly), holds the door for the grandmother (how about Anna for her?)and her son (Chase, which is an appropriate name for him). As the Anna walks in, Chase decides he wants to stay outside.

"Come on, Chase", says Polly.

"No!" he screams as he kicks off one of his Cookie Monster Crocs.

"If you come inside, you can have your book" she sings as she dangles it in front of him like a carrot on a stick.

So, Chase decides to take his mom up on her offer and come inside for the Sesame Street book. Polly and Anna decide they want to sit in a booth, but Chase runs to the opposite side of the restaurant and sits at a table. Polly and Anna join him.

At this point, I'm still holding the cell phone to my head and watching in astonishment even though I've yet to dial a number. This three year old is controlling two adults with the greatest of ease! This is amazing!

Polly opens the book for Chase and begins to read to him. "No, it's mine!" he screams as he snatches it from her hands.

"Chase, that's not nice" Polly says.

Then I saw something that brought the entire room to an awkward silence... "Shut up!" Chase yelled at his mom as he swung and grazed Polly across the chin.

"Chase, it's not nice to hit Mommy" Polly whispers as she changes three shades of red from embarrassment.

Ok, freeze it!

Okay, now I'm going to give the exact same scenario, but instead of Polly, Anna and Chase, it will be me, my mother and my grandmother...

"Q, that's not nice", my mom says.

"Shut up!" Q yelled at his mom as he swung and grazed his mom across the chin.

(ten seconds later)

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?" asks the operator.

Okay, maybe I went a little too far, but you see my point. My mom wouldn't have hospitalized me, but she never would've negotiated with me. She would've sternly given me consequences to my actions, that's all. Consequences that would've been acted upon as soon as we returned home.

I don't care what books you've read or what Dr. Phil has said, but lack of discipline equals an uncontrollable child. I'm not saying you have to spank the child (old schooler's preference), but there has to be some sort of consequence for disobeying.

Also, you don't reward a child for complying with your wishes because doing so will make them expect a reward every single time. It might seem fine at three years old to the average bad parent, but when that child gets older, he's not going to want to do anything without a reward. If they won't do it for you until they get a reward, then why would they do it for a teacher who's offering nothing?

Negotiating with children gives them power. Too many parents want to be their kid's friend instead of being their parent.

Do you know what you get when you give an uneducated, inexperienced person power? (How many of you thought "George W. Bush" just then?)


Three + Three Questions

Three Questions:
1. Do you like T.I.?
2. Are you a fan of Charlie Sheen?
3. Do you have Lil' Wayne's latest CD?

What do all of these guys have in common? All of them have been arrested.

What else do these guys have in common? They are all very successful at what they do.

So, when I do the math, I wonder how arrests plus moral issues equals those guys being on top in their respective games? I know! Fans will turn a blind eye to anything just as long as they like the person! Loyalty breeds ignorance, right?

I know quite a few women... not just women, but mothers, who absolutely love R. Kelly despite the fact that he filmed/desecrated a teen (and I'll say allegedly, but we both know it was him in that video just as sure as we know O.J. did it).

I've heard women say that Rihanna pushed Chris Brown's buttons as if that gave him carte blanche to go Chuck Norris upside her dome.

Robert Downey, Jr. has made a killing with the "Iron Man" movie franchise despite using more drugs than Walgreens.

Do you see my point? Do you really expect kids to learn "right" from "wrong" when it appears that "wrong" gets rewarded regularly?

Bobby Brown. Michael Vick. Tommy Lee. Lil' Wayne. Foxy Brown. Hugh Grant. The list goes on for weeks.

Now, this is America. "The Land of Second (Third and Fourth) Chances". As long as you at least attempt to make/fake an apology, people will like you again. Some may even try to justify your actions. I've heard arguments for Fantasia stealing some one's husband saying that "she was fighting for her man". No, she was fighting for someone else's man. Just because you like her song "Bittersweet" doesn't make her right.

People still support Bill Clinton despite him using his political offices for speed dating. Guys don't care that Alicia Keys got pregnant by a married man. As long as she stays fine and sings well, she'll be back on top.

But why? We all know that if any of those things happened in our lives, we'd be ready to swing on whoever did it and/or whoever is defending their actions.

Think about your answers at the top of the blog and then answer these three questions:
1. If T.I. was Tyrone from the neighborhood, would you let your son hang with him knowing he just got out of jail on gun charges?
2. If R. Kelly was Roscoe from around the way, would you let your daughter go to the prom with him?
3. If Chris Brown was Chad White the D.J. from the radio station, would you buy his mix CD after he went Tyson upside your baby girl's face?

If you answered "yes" to any of the three questions at the top of the blog, then that's okay. You can give someone a second chance so as long as you don't try to justify what they did wrong.

If you answered "yes" to any of the top three questions, but "no" the altered question at the bottom, then maybe you need re-evaluate your way of thinking.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Why Are Enablers Complaining About Their Mess?

I'm trying to wrap my brain around something. I was watching a politician discuss the immigration enforcement laws in Arizona. He was speaking of how the "illegals" drive up our health care and steal our jobs.

That's when my brain simply allowed me to pose a simple, yet relevant question to myself: aren't rich people the reason people across the border to come to America?

After all, in order to have a pool guy, gardener, landscaper and nanny, you have to have someone who's rich enough to afford all of those things, right? Those appear to be the same people keeping up the most noise about illegals.

First, let me say this: I do agree that no one should be in the country illegally. But come on, the argument on illegals is hypocritical in so many ways.

I'm pretty sure that the Native Americans had issues about the "illegals" that "discovered" their country some centuries ago. Maybe there's a "what goes around, comes around" feeling going on in AZ.

I'll give you an example of how rich people enable something to happen, but then deflect the blame to the people who are being enabled:

The NBA. Huh? That's right. NBA owners and general managers are enablers. They recently passed a rule a few seasons ago that prevents high schoolers from skipping college and going straight into the NBA.

You may say to yourself, "Well, Q, it makes sense. These kids aren't mature enough for millions. They should go to college at least for one year and develop their game and their lives a little more."

Prior to the "new rule", how did high schoolers make it to the NBA? They were drafted! They didn't just show up at the NY Knicks gym and said "I want to play". They were selected.

So, how can the people who are drafting you to play say that you shouldn't be joining our league coming out of high school? Isn't the easiest way to deter them from coming to the league too early is by not drafting them?

But, no one wants to miss out on the next Magic Johnson, so they draft based on potential and 9 out of 10 times, end up with a guy who's mediocre at best and never truly learned how to play the game.

Again, the enabler is complaining about the "enabled". It happens in the war on drugs as well. The only people I see going to jail are users and low-level dealers. That's who the "war" on drugs is against. Not the bankroll of the operation, but the peons of the cartel.

Again, the enablers are leading the charge against "the problem". It's like Nino Brown being on the front line on the "war" on drugs against "Pookie". (That's a "New Jack City" reference for those not fortunate enough to have seen the 1991 classic). You need Netflix in your life.

Okay, I just saw a black guy who is storm chaser for The Weather Channel. That's a first. I prefer to go the opposite direction of tornadoes.

Sorry, I got distracted. Now I'm looking at people on my TV screaming down Mexicans in front of John McCain's office. I love Hispanic people and I feel sorry for those who are being taken advantage of for their cheap labor. It's a shame that so many people in the White House fussing about this issue probably have quite a few Consuelas and Hectors working on their estate.

Latinos are getting blamed for everything under the sun. Sure undocumented people drive up health care costs, but so do greedy pharmaceutical companies and Congressmen/women.

Latinos just want to make a living just like us. A lot of them definitely could make more of an effort to do it legally, but when are we going to blame the people who are paying them to be here illegally?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Soap Has An Aisle By Itself

I was assaulted this past weekend.

No, not like you think. Not physically, but by smell.

I had a woman stand next to me at a gas station and she smelled worse than anything I could imagine on a female.

"What in the world is that?" is what I first thought to myself when she got in line with a bag of chips in her hand. "Oh my goodness! Is that the woman behind me? There's no way a woman could smell like this!"

While these thoughts raced through my mind, the guy in front of me took notice. Of course he immediately turns and looks at me like I'm the culprit. I give him that look like, "man, you got the wrong one!"

How could a woman smell that badly? Now, curiosity is getting the best of me because I just have to turn around and get a better look at her. I start to realize that it appears as if she had just left a night club.

She has on a body dress that's tighter than a pair Chuck Norris' jeans. Her aroma was a mixture of Paris Hilton perfume and Black & Mild cigars. Her breath kicked harder than "The Transporter".

How can a grown woman, who most men hold in high regards as being the epitome of cleanliness, smell like she needed an autopsy?

By now, the guy ahead of me is staring at me as if he's positive I'm the cadaver in the building. Again I look at him and try to guide him with my eyes to the lady behind me.

He's not buying it. Great. Now he's probably online blogging about me.

Anyway, I get to the counter, take a deep breath and take out my wallet to pay for my Pepsi Max. I start to think about what my friend, Shawn, once said to a guy during a basketball game a decade ago. After realizing that dude was a tad bit "ripe", he said, "Man, soap has an aisle by itself."

I almost laughed out loud just thinking about that.

Imagine being the guy in the club who approached her to dance... "Hey, girl! Do you want to... (sniff), uh... (pulling cell out of pocket)... uh, I gotta get this!"

How many people thought there was a gas leak in the club? There's no reason a woman should ever smell like that unless she's on a coroner's table. Here's a decent-looking woman smelling like "who did it and what for"?

I just pray the bag of chips in her hand weren't Chili Cheese Fritos.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Keeping Up With The Idiots (On TV)

I hate reality shows. I hate them like Lindsay Lohan hates rehab. Yet, I'm not only surrounded by reality shows, but I'm also surrounded by people who watch them.

Now, I will admit that I watched some reality shows back in the day when they were new. Years before they littered my TV guide on my DirecTV receiver. I watched "Real World: Hawaii" and wondered how in the world someone like Ruthie Alcaide (I wonder if she's related to Tiger) would ever live to the age of 30 at the rate she partied.

I watched Richard Hatch walk naked on an island and win a million dollars on the first "Survivor" and fail to report it for tax purposes later. I also watched Reuben Studdard win the second season of "American Idol" after the show changed the rules and allowed Clay Aiken to return after being eliminated.

So, I can honestly say that "I've tried". But no more. I can't bare to watch a season of anything deemed as a "reality show" other than "Cops". Because it didn't take me long at all to realize that they're far from real.

Now, back in the "Real World" days, reality shows felt real. The show was designed to take several young and volatile people and put them in close quarters. It's only natural, like lab rats, that something was going to "pop off" as Tanisha from "The Bad Girls Club" once yelled. It wasn't truly a "real life" situation, but the reactions to what was going on seemed genuine.

Today, things are a little different. The attitudes and confrontations aren't always (if ever) even slightly real. They're scripted. Manufactured just like the weave that all of the "Flava of Love" women wear.

Because of this, people now go on "A.I." and sing as horribly as they possibly can in an attempt to earn themselves 15 minutes of fame. Did Larry Platt really think that singing "Pants on the Ground" would get him to Hollywood? And why did "A.I." let a 60-something year old even participate on a show with an age limit? Because it was entertaining and that's all that matters. FOX doesn't care if the show comes off as real or not. They only want people to watch it and discuss it at work tomorrow.

That's why broadcasters use a new math when it comes to creating shows:

Attitude equals ratings: Omarosa Manigault or Tiffany "New York" Pollard
Controversy equals ratings: Kim Kardashian or Ray J
Sex appeal equals ratings: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino or Parvati Shallow
Acting a fool equals ratings: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi or (insert Real Housewife here)

The bottom line is: it doesn't have to be real for us to watch it. We watch it because it makes us feel better about ourselves. We watch it because we love to see other people with problems. Or, if you're like me, you watch "The Soup" for comedic effect.

But, what about the people who can't seem to separate entertainment from the real world? What about the people who clutter their bodies with tattoos because of what they see in a music video? What about the women who pose pigeon-toed/or do the peace sign and pouty lips in every Facebook photo because they saw it on TV first?

My parents taught me at an early age that TV wasn't real. I remember the day I found out wrestling was fake. I think I was about seven years old. It changed my perspective on it which eventually led to me to not watch it on a weekly basis as I once did. Sure, I can still watch a few minutes of it now and then because the sheer athleticism that some of those wrestlers have are amazing. But you won't see it in the Series Manager of my DVR. But, when I'm flipping channels and catch a glimpse of WWE, I see an arena filled with paying fans. All of them screaming for what a majority realize is fake. It makes me sit back and put things in perspective a bit. Why are they actively participating in something that everyone knows isn't real? Then it dawns on me:

One purpose of TV is to entertain, right? To take you away from your life and allow you to peek in on someone else's. Have I've forgotten that? Am I so cynical now that I can't even enjoy watching TV?

Maybe reality shows aren't just a cheap way for broadcasters to fill their time slots. And I do mean "cheap"! Snooki, one of the higher paid reality stars gets $30,000 per episode for "Jersey Shore" while Charlie Sheen, a real actor, now rakes in $1.8 million per episode for "Two and A Half Men". I guess if I owned a TV station and had a choice at those rates, I'd fill my line-up with reality shows, too!

Maybe I'm reading too much into the fact that reality shows are exploding on VH1 and MTV where my music videos used to reside. I guess as long as you're entertained, who cares if the show is real or not?

Give your opinion here!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Do Vampires Suck Now?

I know that I'm in the minority, but if I never see another commercial for a new TV series or movie about a vampire love story, then I'll be perfectly okay with that.

What has happened to vampires? They used to be so cool and mysterious, but now they're love-sick chumps who will drink synthetic/animal blood to avoid draining humans. Huh?

I know I constantly remind you all that I'm old school and I have a difficult time liking things today just because a bunch of other people like it. I get that. But vampires are so pathetic now! They fall in love with some human and basically risk dying over them every episode/sequel.

Some of you are probably already thinking, "but Q, Dracula was a love story because he wanted a bride". No, Dracula wasn't in love, that dude was selfish. He didn't want to spend eternity with lonely nights in his coffin, so he went to find someone to hook up with for a few centuries. He didn't care if the woman he chose wanted him or not. He made her want him. Even if it meant hypnosis. That's how the Count got down.

Not now though. A series like "True Blood", where vampires live amongst humans and try to fit in, make no sense to me. I watched two episodes and found myself scratching my head. Sookie loves some vampire and he defends her from other vampires. I don't watch the show, so I know little more than that. All of my FB friends plead with me to give it a try, but I simply refuse to do it (Sorry, O. My apologies, Z).

I've never seen a "Twilight" movie (or at least more than 10 minutes of one), but I'm surprised at how many people flock to see these pale, teen-aged guys, with their shirts off, changing into animals. I guess if people can watch four or five movies about a boy wizard, then vampires aren't a far cry from that. Come to think of it, instead of blogging, maybe I should be working on a sci-fi love story about Bigfoot falling in love with a talking unicorn or something. Hmmmm.... No sense in me not getting paid.

Now there are undead shows spawning left and right: "Vampire Diaries", "The Gates" and whatever other vampire soap operas I'm forgetting. A complete 180-degree turn from "Blade" or "Underworld" or even "From Dusk Til Dawn" where vampires are all about the killing. Aren't people supposed to run from vampires instead of trying to co-exist with them?

To each their own. You vampire soap opera lovers have a right to like anything you want just like I have a right to hate on it. Just stop trying to convince me that it's the best show or best movie ever. As far as I'm concerned when it comes to modern-day vampires, I think they suck.


Tiger Would, But I Won't

Man, I wish people would get off of Tiger's case. Now, before you get started, I'm not condoning anything he did. Tiger would, but I won't. I've been married eight years and I could not inflict that type of heartache on The Mrs. like Tiger did to Elon.

Even though I think the media is unfair to him, I'm not a fan of Tiger's. I haven't shown him any love ever since the day he turned down a chance to speak at Jackie Robinson's 50th anniversary for breaking the color barrier in '97. He said he had another engagement for his American Express sponsor. Jackie Robinson is the difference between Tiger "putting on grass" and "cutting the grass", so I felt like he should have dropped everything to speak at that event. I haven't cared for him since.

Having said that, the media has torn into Tiger so badly that he's actually become a sympathetic figure.

Some want to argue, "Tiger portrayed himself with this squeaky-clean image. He scammed us. He deserved to be treated harshly."

If you feel as if Tiger Woods betrayed you by cheating on his wife, then you need a hug. How is he suppose to portray himself in the spotlight? As a loser? As a degenerate? And how does his image cause you to feel betrayed in your life?

I don't get it. Charlie Sheen tries to kill his wife (allegedly). He's done hookers, drugs, and now has an attempted murder charge yet he gets a contract extension on "Two and A Half Men". Tiger cheats on his wife and has to call a press conference to apologize? A golfer? Not a political figure, but a golfer? Are you kidding me? Now every time he misses a shot it's because the "guilt is weighing heavily on him".

I never thought Tiger had those types of mental issues, but now I see that he does. Tiger has given in to the media pressure. The man who I thought had the most focused mind than any other sports athlete on the planet has crumbled.

So, what does Tiger need to do in order to get back on top (no pun intended)? Actually, maybe that is what he needs to do. Finalize that divorce with Elon so she can get her $400 million for being a high-priced nanny and get his butt back to the Waffle House and find another minimum wage chick.

Yeah, I know it sounds chauvinistic, but I'm talking about re-establishing the man's career. Do what got you there. If running women after-hours made you the best golfer on the planet, then do it. As long as you're single, then who cares?

In fact, I would be willing to take time out from my busy schedule to introduce you to some of my favorite waitresses at Burgers & Blues or IHOP. Just because I'm a nice guy.

So, Tiger, get at me. Let me help you out. You don't need a Swing Coach to help your game, you need a Life Coach.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Drunk, Be Gone

I'm out and about last night and decide to stop into a gas station before heading home. It's 2 AM and me and The Mrs. decide that we want to get a soda before heading home. I have on my Lakers t-shirt because it's comfortable and I like to represent my sports teams. I'm walking into the Cefco on County Line Road and I'm greeted by a guy near the counter with a very slurred "whassup, mane?" as his eyes glance down towards my chest area where the Lakers logo is displayed.

"Oh, no", I'm thinking. "This drunk is getting ready to try to talk sports with me". So, here I am. Stuck in 'No Man's Land". I'm going to have to have a conversation with a drunk guy while I wait to purchase a couple of Diet Pepsis. Great.

At this point, the only thing going through my mind is "how drunk is he?"

"Kobe is gonna be ready for dem boys in Miami, mane!" he blurts out as he proceeds to offer me "some dap".

Great. He's really drunk. "Yeah, I think L.A. has at least one more ring in them before the Heat get it together".

"I know, right! I know. Check it. Check it... Check it... Phil Jasson didn't even try last year and the Lakers still won. Imagine if he try".

"Uh, yeah. If Phil Jackson keeps L.A. stays healthy and focused, they're still the best team in the League".

"My, mane. I'm tryna tell e'rbody that. My mane. Mane... You got on the right shirt, mane".

At this point, I just smile and slowly back away while making a memo to myself: "Don't wear sports-related paraphernalia during late nights".

Sports has an uncanny way of bringing people together. I get that. But the only thing worse than a drunk who likes your team is one who doesn't.

Wearing a Cowboys t-shirt a week or so ago. Drunk guy sees it and immediately proceeds to tell me how much Tony Romo sucks.

"Man, y'all ain't gonna never win til y'all git rid of Tony Homo!" he shouted.

Wow. A gay slur? Really? Why does everyone hate on Romo any way? Obviously these are people who watch ESPN highlights more than they do the actual game. They haven't a clue on what they're talking about. They're only regurgitating what they heard some hack on ESPN say.

Anyway, I just smiled and tried to walk by as I grabbed a Pepsi Max from the cooler. "Hey! Hey! Hey! How bout dem Saints!!!???" he quipped as he lets out a hearty laugh.

Again, I smile and then start praying that the line of three people move a little bit faster as I approach the counter.

"Hey! Hey!" I hear behind me as I give a huge sigh of frustration knowing that I'm not going to be able to leave without talking to this drunk.

"Yeah?" as I turned around.

"Y'all will never win with Homo at quarterback".

"Romo", I started with a noticeable emphasis on his name, "is not our problem. He was two or three years ago, but he wasn't last year. Our offensive line didn't protect him".

Now I'm mad at myself because I'm just realizing that I'm engaging in a debate with a drunk.

"Homo sucks and Dallas sucks!"

Wow. Excellent debate, dude. I can't top that one, now can I? At this point, I'm considering shoplifting just to get out of the store. LOL! Okay, not really, but I'm hoping to pay for my drinks and make my way to the exit before he can think of something else to say.

I pay for everything and I don't even wait for my 13 cents in change. Out the door I go. Faster than Clive Owen leaving the bank in "Inside Man".

Immediately, as I reach the sanctuary of my driver's seat, I start to feel bad for every woman who goes to a nightclub, looking to enjoy socializing with friends and dancing, only to be accosted by drunk guy with tight eyes and wet lips due to being on the verge of slobbering. Sucks for you.

I know how I'm going to try to avoid late-night drunk guy going forward, I'm going to buy some plain t-shirts next weekend. Free of sports logos.

R.I.P. Rhythm and Blues :(

What has happened to my R&B? My beautiful genre in which I could always rely on to take me through a range of emotions from listening to one mix tape/CD. Gone are the days when I could get into my car, turn on my radio, and not have to change the station until a commercial break. Now, I'm scanning through 10 presets in my car and I'm struggling to find something worth listening to for more than a few minutes.

I know some of my younger peers are saying to themselves, "Man, you've just reached that age when you think your music is the end-all, be-all". Well, that's kind of true, but only to a certain extent. Sure, I do think the 70's and 80's are the two best decades of music, but that's not why I am no longer feeling today's R&B.

I'm off the R&B bandwagon now because it's so unrecognizable from what it used to be. Today's R&B shouldn't be classified as such. I think it's time a new genre is created. For one: you don't even have to know how to sing because your voice can just be auto-tuned. Keith Sweat couldn't sing, but that didn't stop him from trying. LOL! He was even so bold as to join forces with Gerald Levert and Johnny Gill, two of the best singers of their era. That's "confidence" defined right there. Or "clueless". But, I digress.

Usher and Will.I.Am have the "OMG" song and John Blu is "In Love With Yo Booty". I won't lie to you, but I actually like both songs. I wonder if Roger Troutman's estate is receiving royalties from them and T-Pain for these computerized voices? If they only had iPhone apps when he was alive...

Anyway... Secondly, and most importantly: R&B no longer makes me think in the abstract. It doesn't paint a picture. Now, it's in-your-face. Nothing to the imagination, just "boom", here it is.

No one is finding "Love on A Two-Way Street" any more like Stacy Lattisaw once did. Or finding "One Hundred Ways" to please their woman like James Ingram. Jonathan Butler once sung about a woman named "Sarah" that he missed so badly. He loved her so much that he said her name twice and asked, "what happened to you and I?" and "how did the fire die?". That's emotion. (I just took some people back with that "Sarah, Sarah" reference. Yeah, you're smiling right now if you're old school). That's putting something on a listener's mind and taking them back to a place in time to where they lost someone. And even if you were too young to have experienced love yet, you knew how serious it was because of the soulful lyrics you heard from the crooners and divas.

Nope. Not these days. In fact, this week, I heard the following songs during my 12 minute commute to work: Trey Songz's "Neighbors Know My Name" which is basically about a guy who's so good in bed the neighbor's know him by name from his woman screaming it. Then I heard The Dream's "Make-Up Bag" which is about a guy who stayed out late and is in his woman's dog house, so he leaves $5,000 on her make-up bag to keep from hearing her mouth. Next was "Lil' Freak" by Usher and some female which is about a menage a trois, I think. I know he mentions girls kissing and putting their hands in each other's pants or something. I can't say for sure because at this point, I've changed the station to 105.9 for sports talk during my last few minutes of the ride to work.

Not one song left anything to the imagination. One was about a man with skills so good the neighbors hear him having sex. The second is about a guy who stayed out too late, but doesn't care because he can buy his woman's affection with five grand. The last is about a guy going out and picking up two women who are tongue wrestling in the corner of the club.

No songs about heartache like "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?" by Al Green or Lisa Lisa and Full Force being "All Cried Out". No songs showing appreciation for a love like Larry Graham's "One In A Million" or Atlantic Starr's "Masterpiece".

Just songs about either having sex, paying a woman hush money, and three-way sex. Wow. Less than 12 minutes of radio.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not necessarily knocking the songs. They're not my cup of tea, but that doesn't mean these artists don't have a right to perform these songs. My question is: is this R&B? I'm guessing the average teen doesn't even know what "R&B" stands for. Not "Rims & Bentleys". Not "Racks & Booty". Not "Reefer & Blunts". "R&B" stands for "Rhythm & Blues". It was a combination of jazz and blues that started in the 40's. Over time, it has been generalized as a genre.

Think of old school R&B as a tree. Back in the day, there were branches that stemmed from the root of R&B. There was Funk: Cameo, Brothers Johnson, and George Clinton. There was Disco: Donna Summer, Gloria Gaynor, and A Taste of Honey. There was Soul: Ray Charles, James Brown, and Aretha Franklin. There was New Jack Swing: Guy, Bell Biv Devoe, and Tony Toni Tone'!

Maybe it's time we create a new branch of R&B for today's sound. Sex Anthems? Grindin'? Dip & Sip? (referencing dancing and drinking in a club)

Hey, I'm just trying to help the young school find something to call their own. And before you under-30 people start hating on this blog, I want you to think of the last wedding you attended and think of what was sung during the ceremony. Was it "Spend My Life With You" by Eric Benet and Tamia? Was it Mul-ty's "Looking For Love"? Yeah, admit it. You need us over-30 people :)

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