Parents Don’t Parent Anymore. They Compete.

There used to be a visible line between parents and children.

Not a cruel line. A line of responsibility. A line of wisdom. A line that said: I’ve already walked through this stage of life, so my job is to prepare you for what’s ahead.

Now?

Parents and kids dress alike, talk alike, dance alike, listen to the same music, shop in the same stores go to the same clubs, use the same slang, and fight for the same attention online.

Half the time you can’t tell who’s raising who. It's time to stop trading wisdom for trends.

Parents used to embarrass kids because they were “old.” Now some parents are terrified of looking old. Terrified of aging. Terrified of being disconnected from youth culture. So instead of guiding the next generation, they chase it.

Everybody wants to be young forever. Nobody wants to be the elder anymore.

And children suffer because of it. A child does not need another friend.

A child needs structure.
A child needs correction.
A child needs protection.
A child needs perspective.

Most importantly, a child needs somebody willing to say:
“No.”
“That’s wrong.”
“You can do better.”
“Here’s who you are.”
“Here’s where you come from.”

But modern parenting increasingly revolves around comfort and image instead of preparation.

Parents are recording dances with children instead of reading with them.
Buying expensive shoes while schools fail them academically.
Keeping up with trends while kids grow up emotionally lost.

This problem becomes even more dangerous in Black communities because identity is already under attack from every direction.

If schools remove Black history or water it down into a few sanitized paragraphs every February, then where are Black children supposed to learn about themselves?

Where do they learn about:

• The kingdoms that existed before slavery?
• Black inventors and scientists?
• Black resistance movements?
• Economic independence?
• Community building?
• Media literacy?
• Why certain systems exist the way they do?

If home doesn’t teach it and school won’t teach it, then social media will. And social media is a terrible teacher. Algorithms raise more children than grandparents now.

That should terrify people.

A generation that does not know its history becomes easy to manipulate. Easy to market to. Easy to distract. Easy to divide. If all a child learns about Blackness comes from entertainment, celebrity culture, trauma, and consumerism, then they begin to confuse visibility with identity.

Representation is not the same thing as education.

Seeing successful Black entertainers matters. But if every conversation begins and ends with athletes, rappers, influencers, and viral moments, children start believing success only exists in narrow forms.

Where are the conversations about:

• Black architects?
• Farmers?
• Educators?
• Engineers?
• Organizers?
• Historians?
• Ownership?
• Discipline?
• Family legacy?

Some parents know every lyric to the newest songs but cannot explain who Marcus Garvey was.
Cannot explain Ida B. Wells.
Cannot explain Carter G. Woodson.
Cannot explain why the Tulsa Race Massacre matters.

That is not just an educational problem. It is a spiritual problem.

Children without historical grounding search for identity in trends. Trends change every six months. Identity should survive generations.

None of this means parents must become robotic authority figures disconnected from culture. Parents can enjoy music. Have style. Be modern. Be relatable.

But parenting requires distance.

Not emotional distance. Not cruelty. Perspective.

The parent should not be racing their child to stay young. They should be preparing their child to grow wisely.

Somewhere, adulthood became unfashionable. Responsibility became “boring.” Wisdom became less valuable than relevance.

And now society has millions of adults desperate to be seen, while millions of children desperately need guidance.

A culture survives when elders teach. Not when elders imitate.

Children do not need parents who can go viral. They need parents who can lead.

Let the church say, "Amen."

The Cost to Relationships and Families

This is part five of a five-part series entitled "The Silent Collapse of Men in the Smart Phone Era". It's based on a series of discussions I've had with men who are friends or relatives. The men's ages range from 23 - 51 years old. I'd love your feedback.

The Cost to Relationships and Families

A distracted man may still physically be present while emotionally disappearing.

He comes home but never fully arrives.
He sits with his kids while staring at another man’s podcast clip.
He lies next to his wife while scrolling through strangers.
He loses interest in conversation because his brain now expects constant stimulation every eight seconds.

Over time, resentment grows on both sides.

The family notices. Children notice. Partners notice.

The phone quietly becomes the third person in every relationship.

Men Need Purpose More Than Distraction

Most men do not need another motivational clip.

They need:

• sleep
• discipline
• friendship
• purpose
• physical activity
• real conversation
• time away from screens
• connection with their families

The solution is not becoming anti-technology. Phones are tools. The problem begins when the tool starts shaping a man’s identity, emotions, confidence, and attention span. A phone should assist a man’s life, not replace it. 

Right now, too many men are slowly disappearing into distraction while calling it entertainment. We have to stop making excuses and help each other focus on what's important. We have to hold each other accountable and allow entertainment to be entertainment and real life to be real life.

We can't blend the two.

Part 4: Rage Is Becoming Entertainment

Parenting Suffers, Too

This is part four of a five-part series entitled "Cell Phones, Social Media, and the Quiet Depression Affecting Women". It's based on a series of discussions I've had with multiple women including my wife, some coworkers, and random servers at restaurants. The women's ages range from 20 - 53 years old. I'd love your feedback.

Parenting Suffers, Too

Children notice distraction long before adults admit it.

Many mothers are physically present but mentally trapped inside their phones. Some are exhausted from late-night scrolling and enter the day emotionally depleted before parenting even begins.

Kids compete with notifications now.

A child trying to tell a story interrupts a scrolling session.
A family moment gets shortened because someone wants to check social media.
Attention spans weaken for both parents and children.

And there’s another issue people avoid discussing: children absorb emotional energy. If a mother constantly feels insecure, anxious, resentful, lonely, or emotionally overstimulated because of social media consumption, that atmosphere eventually touches the household.

Children don’t need perfect mothers. They need emotionally available ones.

Part 1: Comparison Is Quietly Destroying Peace

Part 2: Doom Scrolling Is Destroying Sleep

Part 3: Relationships Are Slowly Being Eroded

Part 5: The Validation Trap

Whatever Happened to the Love in Christmas?

Remember when Christmas used to mean something? When Jesus was the reason for the season? When the tree wasn’t just an Instagram backdrop, the dinner table wasn’t full of faces lit by phone screens, and the joy of the season wasn’t measured by how many Amazon boxes showed up on the porch? Somewhere between Rudolph and reality TV, Christmas lost its love—and we all just shrugged and scrolled on by. 

🎄 From Charlie Brown to Cheap Laughs

Once upon a time, families would gather around the TV for animated Christmas specials that actually taught something. You didn’t have to be religious to feel the warmth of A Charlie Brown Christmas or Frosty the Snowman. These shows displayed love, meaning, and a sense of togetherness.

Now? Those heartfelt classics are being replaced by celebrity game shows and Christmas “competitions.” Instead of teaching kindness or gratitude, we’re watching who can stack the tallest gingerbread tower or guess the most holiday songs for cash. Nothing says “holiday spirit” like contestants fighting over prizes while commercials remind you to spend more money you don’t have.

💰 Capitalism in a Santa Suit

The holidays used to be about love, reflection, and family. Now it’s about “doorbusters,” “limited drops,” and “buy now, pay later.” Christmas has been hijacked by capitalism in a red velvet suit. It’s no longer a celebration—it’s a sales event.

Black Friday used to be the day after Thanksgiving. Now it’s the week month before. Christmas decorations are in stores before Halloween candy even goes on clearance. And let’s be honest: most people are stressing over how much they have to buy instead of who they’re buying for.

Every year, millions of people go deeper into debt just to “make Christmas special.” But how special can it be when the bills hit in January and the joy turns into anxiety?

📱 The Death of Family Time

Family dinners used to be the centerpiece of the holidays. Now, it’s an exercise in silence—everyone sitting around the table scrolling through TikTok, pretending to be present while mentally somewhere else.

Even watching Christmas movies together has turned into individual screen time. One person’s watching Elf on Netflix, another’s on YouTube watching gift hauls, and someone else is deep in a group chat. The TV used to bring people together. Now, every screen pulls us apart.

🏠 The Divided Christmas

For many blended families, Christmas is a scheduling nightmare. Kids are shuttled from one parent’s house to another like packages in transit. Half of Christmas morning is spent packing, not playing. Everyone’s trying to make the most of their “time,” but it’s hard to find peace when the calendar feels like a custody battle.

It’s not anyone’s fault—life changes, families evolve—but it’s sad that the magic of togetherness often gets lost in the logistics.

🎁 The Entitlement Era

Kids today are growing up in a world where gifts show up all year long—birthdays, random “surprises,” TikTok trends, and “back to school hauls.” So when Christmas rolls around, it’s just another day of unboxing.

When every day feels like Christmas, Christmas stops feeling special. And when gifts become expectations instead of blessings, gratitude gets buried under wrapping paper.

💔 The Hard Truth

The holidays were supposed to bring joy, peace, and love. But now they bring pressure, debt, and disconnection. People are chasing the “perfect Christmas” for the wrong reasons—more likes, better photos, flashier gifts.

Meanwhile, the real spirit of the season—love, gratitude, forgiveness, and family—is quietly fading.

Maybe it’s time to unplug, slow down, and find that spirit again. Because Christmas doesn’t live in store shelves or social media posts—it lives in people. And until we start acting like it, we’ll keep losing the love that made the season worth celebrating in the first place.

Christmas used to fill hearts. Now it fills credit card statements. Let’s change that before it’s too late.

(Happy 19th birthday to my wonderful god daughter, Erin.)

(Happy 33rd anniversary to my brother and his wife.)

Dealing with Disappointment

When it comes to dealing with people, we have to understand that things aren't what they once were when my parents were young adults in the early 60's.  Not keeping your word back then was almost the equivalent of slapping someone in the face.  If someone gave their word then it was a big deal if they broke it.  Being selfish was really frowned upon and we rarely saw it in older TV shows and movies.

Things are different now.  There aren't too many Ward and June Cleavers living in each neighborhood these days.  Society teaches us that satisfying yourself is quite okay.  "Do you" is a very popular statement still.  So, if someone tells you that they're going to do something for you or with you and they don't come through, then you have to find a way to cope with that.  Understand that this isn't the end of the world.  Each day is a new beginging and an opportunity for a fresh start.  Just focus on trying to keep people in your life who rarely disappoint you.

We all get disappointed and lied to on a daily basis.  It can be about simple things that shouldn't even require a lie.  "I'll call you back."  "I'll take care of that."  "I love you."

Ooh.  That last one stings a bit, huh?  LOL!

As difficult as it is at times, there are numerous instances in life when you have to take a deep breath and hit the reset button.  No one likes to do it, but it's just a part of living.  The longer that you remain on this planet, the more that you will realize that some people will let you down.  It can be a family member, friend, or even a significant other.  It may not always be intentional, but it happens nonetheless.

To Be or Not To Be (A Parent)?

Before I got married in 2002, I wanted to be a dad.  My wife and I agreed that we would enjoy the first two or three years of our marriage and then work on starting our family.  I would have been around 32 or 33 at the time we started.

However, life happened.  A year and two months after our wedding, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Our lives were never the same after that.  She had surgery almost immediately and started chemotherapy to try and eradicate the breast cancer cells.  As long as she was on chemo, having children was never an option.

By the time I reached 38 years old and my wife and I both realized that chemotherapy may end up being something she'd have to endure for the rest of her life, my desire for children faded.  I was no longer concerned of being a dad for two reasons: 1) I only wanted my wife to get healthy and 2) I didn't have a desire to be an old dad.  So, I made up my mind that I would be the best godfather to my god kids that I could and no longer worry about being a father.

My wife would remain on chemotherapy for nine years in total up until the day she passed away on November 5th, 2012 at 2 AM.

I was a week way from my 41st birthday and without a wife and a child.  All I ever wanted was the happy ever after ending so many people in the world had.  I wanted my wife, a son, and a daughter.  It didn't seem like too much to ask for, but like I said earlier, "life happened".

My desire to be a parental figure didn't necessarily go away, but my desire to be a father to a newborn did.  So, once I decided to start dating again, I didn't mind dating someone who had children.  However, I never thought that I'd wind up dating someone who had four of them.  Four girls to be exact between the ages of 12 and 19.  Although their mom and I just weren't right for one another, I absolutely enjoyed my time with those kids and still miss spending time with them to this day.  They were wonderful girls who brought a lot of joy to my life!

Then I dated someone who didn't have any kids and she was much younger than me.  Almost 10 years younger, to be exact.  The two of us got along very well, but there was a miscommunication on my part regarding having children.  I was under the impression that she was absolutely set on having them even though I stated at the onset of the relationship that I did not want them.  So, we decided to go our separate ways, which was a shame because I really liked her and we seemed to get along quite nicely.

Not too long after that, an associate of mine from Arkansas became a father.  He was 44 years old at the time when his little man was born.  The look on his face in his Facebook photos showed a happiness that I envied.  Don't get me wrong.  I was extremely happy for him because he expressed so much excitement during his wife's pregnancy.  However, I felt bad for myself for never having that feeling of joy that he was having.

I talked to my brother who is almost six years older than me and doesn't have children.  I asked him what his opinion was on being an older dad.  He told me that even at age 50, if he could be a father, he would do it in a heartbeat.  So, what was stopping me if other guys my age and older were okay with being an older dad?

It made me think.  Was I not wanting to be a dad for the wrong reasons?  Was it a fear of maybe not living long enough to see my child reach his/her 40's like my parents saw my brother and I do?  Was it a fear of not having the "village" in place to help raise the child because so many responsible members of my family were possibly too old to contribute?  What was I afraid of?

Pretty much all of the above.  And after I truly thought about it and realize just how crazy my excuses were for not being a dad, my fear just disappeared and my desire to be a father started to return.  I started wanting an heir to share my dad's funny family stories with so that these stories could continue to live.  I wanted a little one to take to the store to buy comic books just like my mom and dad took me.  I wanted to give someone the life that I had, to the best of my ability.  I felt like I was denying myself a possible chance at a legacy.

And it's that desire that has hit the pause button on my dating with a purpose.  If I want to be a father some day, then that means that I have to date someone who is able/wants to have children.  That means that my dating pool may filter out most people who are my age who may be done having kids or feel as if they've reached an age that it's not safe for them to do so.  I can't move forward until I can decide what it is that I want.

All I can do is continue to pray on it.  Lord knows that I'm not getting any younger.

Don't Ever Expect Reciprocation

One of the hardest things some people are having to learn is how not to expect things from people.  Some of us we're taught at a very young age that if you do thoughtful things for people that it will return in twofold.  However it was never said that it would return from the people that you did the nice thing for.

I have a friend in his early 20's who is a really nice guy.  He will do almost anything for anyone, sometimes at his own expense.  What bothers him is that people will not do the same for him.  I totally get where he's coming from on this because I once felt like that.  It took me getting mad at myself over and over again until I realized that people aren't loyal to you for random acts of kindness.

I had to explain to him that like my dad, I always believed in helping people even if it meant going out of my way a bit.  However,  I had to learn how to say "no."  Some things aren't worth the stress that you'll endure.  It may be easier said than done for most people, but for me back then, it was very difficult to say "no" to something that I knew I was fully capable of doing.  I had to realize that everyone doesn't deserve your efforts.  Some people only deserve your minimum.

So when you bust your behind to accommodate someone, don't feel as if they're in debt to you.  They don't owe you anything other than a "thank you" and any agreed upon compensation you two may have.  But they don't owe you a favor, an undying friendship, or anything like that.

I explained to him that guys like him have a hard time understanding how it's so easy for him to be nice yet so hard to receive kindness in return.  I told that's a good quality to have, but it will cause more heartache in his future.  I wasn't trying to discourage him by any means, but I did want to let him know that a personality like that comes with a target.  People will take advantage of you because of your willingness to give.  It can be a friendship, relationship, or even family.

The bottom line is: I don't ever expect anyone to look out for me the way that I look out for them.  It may sound sad to say that, but disappointment is doubled when you have unrealistic expectations.  Gone are the days that I have faith in people to do the right thing.  That's not the world that we live in these days.  People look out for themselves and when they don't need you any more then you'll know it.

I still try to be a generous guy, but only to a certain extent.  And I only give 100% to people who may have done nice things for me in the past.  I know that it may not be the right attitude to have, but I just refuse to be disappointed again.

Explode or Implode: The Building is Still Coming Down #Stress

I visited New Orleans over an extended Memorial Day weekend and took so much from my four day stay.  Despite my 20 or 30-something visits to The Big Easy, for the first time I got to interact with the locals and see a side I've never seen before.  I had plenty of cajun/creole cooking, took a steamboat ride down the Mississippi River, enjoyed a Second Line band, and more.

However, one thing really stood out to me on my trip was a visit to a church on that Sunday morning.  The pastor's sermon fell in line with one of my recent blog posts called "The Burden of the Stress Catcher".  It was as if he was speaking directly to me.  Needless to say, I was very attentive and could identify with almost every point he was making.

He talked about how people who are relied upon the most are usually the last to receive help themselves.  I thought about how often I come to the aid of people for so many things.  Most of them are small contributions, but they're contributions all the same.  I do it for the "thank you's" because I really don't expect much else from people other than that.

Although those who know me well would probably jokingly disagree, I am human.  I have feelings.  I deal with problems and turmoil in life.  But I rarely feel like I'm able to express those feelings to anyone.  Most people in my life are so used to me being "the strong one" that they rarely notice (or care) that something is bothering me.  And even if they get an inclination that something is wrong, they may ask "what's wrong?", but if I say "nothing" because I'm uncomfortable discussing it at that time then the conversation pretty much ends there.

One thing that I do better than anyone that I know is read people.  I know what makes people tick and I use that to determine their moods.  Being able to see that someone is in need of something coupled with my willingness to help people almost compels me to step in and try to make things better when things are bad.  I always want to help fix the problem.  The downside is that I know that person won't be there for me in the same capacity or will let me down in an attempt to do so.  Yet I still put forth the effort to brighten their day.

7 days a week I've done this since as long as I can remember.  In work life or home life I'm making someone smile.  I'll see that someone appears to be down and I may compliment them to cheer them up.  I'll notice someone with a confused look and I'll ask questions to see if I can help.  You can't help everyone, but it's comforting to them to know that someone at least thought enough of them to try.

Someone once told me that is the reason I have no known enemies.  Because I've probably helped them, too, in some shape, form, or fashion.  Yet to express how I feel, blogging is the safest venue for me to vent.  It prevents me from potentially offending anyone, or having to listen to unsolicited advice, or avoid having someone try and one-up my problems with one of their own.  The latter I encounter regularly because I'm supposed to be "the strong one," right?  My problems don't matter.  Some people seem to think that I can deal with my problems on my own so they gloss over mine and present me theirs.

Despite all of my rantings, I'm not without loved ones.  There are people in my life who care for me and want to see me happy.  It's unfair of me to expect them to read my moods as easily as I read theirs.  You have to really be in tune with people to realize that something is off and my personality is  difficult to figure out.

I maintain a positive attitude because that is what keeps me going.  I can be extremely sad or mad and not always show it because I don't like for either of those emotions to dominate my life for long periods of time.  To not be that way is to rely on society to bail me out of my bad feelings and I can't take a chance on them accepting that challenge.  Even when I'm "not feeling myself" people would assume that I'm simply just tired before they would assume that I'm stressed.  And even if I did open up to someone, would they be unbiased or would they be judgmental?  I usually encounter one if not both when presenting problems to people.  That's why it's easier to keep certain things to myself and figure it out on my own.

But, the one thing the pastor said on Sunday that really resonated with me was this: "Regardless if it explodes or implodes, the building is still coming down.  Let it out."  He was referring to keeping stress pinned up inside of ourselves.  Either you can explode in anger or allow it to slowly kill you inside, but either way your temple will be destroyed.

I've got to work on preserving my temple.  Just a few weeks ago I posted about how I've embraced being people's"stress catcher" over the years and now I'm realizing that someone needs to catch mine now and then!

I've got to stop allowing my happiness to be dictated by other people's happiness.  I have to find more people I trust enough to ask for help when I need someone to listen to me.  I've got to stop getting the short end of the stick and focus on myself before "my building" starts to crumble.  Because although I'm looking out for others, others aren't always looking out for me.

Roger Goodell (@nflcommish), What Are You Doing To Me?

First of all, if you're not an NFL fan then you may not understand (or care about) half of the things I'm talking about in this blog post.

Every season the NFL tries to secure more and more television revenue and it's killing me as a fan.  At one time in my life, I could reach back and pull memories out of my mind of many games that most people had forgotten.  Not any more.  It's too much.  The NFL is overloading my senses and I'm starting to see a familiar pattern that I saw the NBA take 25 years ago.

The Schedule

I absolutely love football.  If it were up to me, I would attend a high school game on Friday nights, watch college games on Saturdays and the NFL on Sundays.  But, the NFL has made that next to impossible for me to do regularly.

I have a job as a PA announcer for a high school football team.  For at least six Friday nights out of the Fall, I'm calling their games.

I'm a Michigan Wolverines fan when it comes to college football.  Every Saturday I try to watch them play along with other major match-ups in the Top 25 and SEC.

My Sundays during the NFL season consist of me sitting in my man chair at 1 PM Eastern Time and pretty much remaining there until the night game ends around Midnight Eastern Time.  Then I watch the Monday Night game the next evening.  Now the Commissioner has installed another night (Thursdays) for the NFL and it's just too much for me.

If I were a college student with a ton of free time then this would be absolutely great!  But, as a grown man with a full-time job and a lady who has teen kids it's a problem.  I can't block off Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays for four months.  Very few people can.  But, that's what Roger Goodell is asking the die-hard fans to do.

Last year I missed more NFL games than I have ever missed since the invention of the NFL Sunday Ticket back in 1994.  I had to make decisions each week to either sacrifice the Monday game or the Thursday game because I just didn't have time to do both.  Then the worst feeling that a die-hard fan could have came over me towards the end of the season: I started to not care.

I would look to see who was playing and if it wasn't a premier team then I would find something else to do and miss the game entirely.  It's the same attitude that I developed when the NBA started coming on every single night thanks to TV money.  When the NBA was limited in its viewing I would bite, scratch and kick to see a game.  Now I won't even watch any more than a handful of games before the 2nd round of the playoffs because it's on every single night.

The saturation of the NBA did that to me over the course of just a few years and now the NFL is doing the same. A guy who could watch the two worst teams play because of his love of the game will now miss the first half of a divisional rivalry game because his life can't accommodate football four days a week.  There's just not enough time.

The Draft

Back in the day, the NFL Draft occurred in late April on a Saturday and Sunday morning.  The Draft consists of seven rounds (three rounds were on Saturday and four were on Sunday) and is completely boring to a casual fan, but an amazing event to a die-hard.  On April 20th, 2002 I had one of the best days of my life.  I was married at the time and on my honeymoon.  The NFL Draft came on that Saturday morning and my late wife gave me the entire day to watch it.  I sat in an over-sized chair and watched the first three rounds of the Draft within full-view of the ocean.  For a true football fan, it didn't get any better than that.

Fast-forward to today and what do we have?  The Draft now isn't until May (for May Sweeps) starts on Thursday night during primetime.  So, now I have to get home from work and get things done prior to the Draft starting instead of having a weekend day to relax and ease into it.  But, it gets worse: Thursday night is only for the 1st round of the Draft.  If I want to see the 2nd and 3rd rounds then I have to tune in on Friday night.

Seriously?  And then on Saturday you pick the 4th through the 7th rounds?  A three day event?  Then there's a headline today stating that Goodell wants to make it a four day event and get Sundays back in the mix?  Sorry, but I can't...

Conclusion

I've reached my limit.  Mark Cuban (owner of the Dallas Mavericks) was right.  The NFL will burn itself out in less than a decade at the rate they're going.  Guys like me will eventually start to pick and choose which games interest us and ignore the others.  It's not because we want to, but because there's just not enough time in a week to have a life and meet obligations with the NFL on three or more nights a week.

Eventually, the NFL will be on seven days a week like the NBA and MLB.  You're laughing right now, but don't say that I didn't warn you.  Just like an 18-game schedule, franchises in Canada and London, and more teams being allowed in the Playoffs, it's inevitable.  There's just too much money on the table for it not to be.

SMH.

Guess Why You Don't Have A Mate or Friends?

I think that it's ridiculous the number of people that I encounter who have entitlement issues.  Being active on Twitter and Facebook will subject you to so many people who no idea what it takes to be a decent human being yet alone maintain a relationship or a friendship.

Since when did "I get what I want or else" become the standard for relationships/friendships?

Reality TV is the epitome of what not to do in a relationship or marriage.  The reality shows that are centered around family basically show one spouse trying to one-up the other.  It's all about leverage.  One person is constantly trying to have his or her way without any regards to the other person's feelings.  It's the most pathetic way for any couple to live.

Sadly, our kids are being brought up in this environment and yes, they will be worse.  Why?  Because it's all they know in regards to how relationships work (unless their parents teach them otherwise).  People around 30 years old and up grew up with shows like The Cosby Show or Family Ties.  They know what a normal family looks like.

People between 20-30 grew up on Martin, Living Single, Seinfeld and other shows that promoted shacking or fast-moving relationships.  You didn't see too many marriages in the 90's in regards to popular sitcoms.

People under 20 watched The Simple Life, Jersey Shore, Real Housewives of (Insert City Here), Love & Hip-Hop, etc.  They've seen nothing but dysfunction in regards to relationships and family structure.  They see constant examples of people disrespecting their mate, family, friends and even themselves.  They think that if someone isn't doing what they want them to do, then it's okay to do things to hurt them emotionally, verbally and in some cases physically.

That treatment has now become the standard for a lot of people.  If someone says something to hurt their mate's feelings, then there are no apologies.  There is no understanding.  Just a "sucks to be you" attitude is all you'll get from the offender.  Because if you don't agree with them then you're their enemy.  It's personal.  You're against them.  "How dare you not see my point of view although I don't care about yours!"

When it comes to friendship, if you find yourself not caring what someone thinks of you, then something is wrong.  I'm not saying that a person's opinion of you defines who you are, but I am saying that something is fundamentally wrong with someone who is okay with having enemies.

How many of these ignorant memes have you seen on IG:

"Trust gets you killed?" Uh, who are you trusting? Scarface?

I'm not even sure if I know what this means, but it had a ton of Likes on IG.

Excuse the language on the photo, but I wanted to show the pure ignorance that exists in cyberspace.  IG is a place where people with absolutely nothing to say have an audience.  It just reinforces the bad attitudes that we see in society.  If your friend seems to be spending more time with other people than you, then you call them "fake."  If your mate doesn't do the things you want them to do, then they're disrespecting you.  Relationships and friendships grow harder and harder to maintain every day because people just can't see that their attitude is the problem and not the people around them.

I spend a lot of time chatting with people online and talking to them on radio shows and podcasts.  They all ask the same questions about having friends or a significant other yet refuse to believe that everything starts with them.  Whenever I ask about what they bring to the table they go into defense mode.  It's always someone else's fault.  SMH.

What brings about that sense of entitlement that makes a person think they're always right?

When You're Unable to Help Your Suffering Child

Nothing can possibly prepare you for it.  It has to be the worst pain that a parent can endure.  Seeing your child suffer through physical or emotional pain and not being able to comfort them has to be the worst feeling in the world.  However, I wouldn't know...

I don't have children, but I understand the parent/child dynamic from the child's point of view.  As a son, I've seen the anguish on my parents' faces as I've suffered through something.  Although I'll never truly feel the pain that they've felt since I don't have children, I can somewhat relate to what it must feel like when I watch other parents go through things.

When I was around 8 years old, I was riding barefooted on the back of a bicycle with my aunt.  We were riding downhill and my feet were flopping from side-to-side as she pedaled.  Somehow my right foot flopped a bit too hard and came into contact with the bicycle's back wheel.  My foot got entangled in the spokes as the tire locked up and the pain that I felt was tremendous.

It happened right in front of my house.

I remember my brother and father running out to the street as I screamed in pain from the discomfort of having my lower leg twisted in the metal.  My foot was literally wedged into the wheel to the point that neither I nor the wheel could move an inch.  My father had to cut the spokes in order to free me.

I had a severely sprained ankle and slight fracture.  My aunt felt guilt.  My brother felt helpless.  My father had a look of concern as the event occurred, but ultimately he was okay.  He's always been a rock in troubled times.  My mom of course was my mom.  She never wanted to see her baby go through anything.  But, I eventually got through that ankle injury, countless minor boyhood injuries and an appendectomy at age 16.  Each incident was painful, but I had the loving support of Momma and Pop to carry me through.

There are times that as a parent you can't help your child.  You want to take the pain away, but you can't.  You wish that you could take the pain and bear it yourself just to give your child a breather, but life doesn't work like that.  I saw that look on my father's face when I had to bury my wife after her death.  He wanted to stop my hurt, but he couldn't.  There were no spokes to cut to free me from my torment this time around.  So, he did the only thing that he could do: he stood by my side.

And he remained there until I reached out to him for help.  That's what parents can do to help their children get through almost anything!  Be there!  Your presence alone means so much to a child going through emotional and / or physical pain.  It's not always what you say that makes it better, it's being within reach that makes the difference.  As a son, I can say that definitively for all of the pain that I've been through in my life that looking up and seeing one or both of my parents made all of the difference in the world to me!  And I guarantee you if you do it for your children that they will remember it when they have children.

Be your child's rock.

What I Learned from The Best Man Holiday Movie

Normally, I reserve taking a trip to the movie theater for action films.  I just feel like I can get more bang for my buck to see/hear explosions on the big screen.  Comedies and dramas seem more appropriate for Netflix at home.

However, since I'm in a relationship now, those decisions aren't always mine.  So, when something comes out that she wants to see, then I make it my business to give her the same courtesy of going as she does for me.  This recently included the movie, "The Best Man Holiday."

It's a sequel to the 1999 movie, "The Best Man" which was about some dude who got married to a woman who cheated on him with his best friend.  Well, there was more to it than that, but I don't want to get into all of that.

Anyhoo, this movie has been rated only 5 or 6 stars out of 10 from most movie review websites.  I tend to disagree.  This movie had everything: singing, comedy, drama, tragedy, and even action.  

Because of the ratings, this movie will probably not win any major awards.  The actors, who were all on-point, will not be walking the red carpet with any hardware for their efforts either.  Mainly because most people prejudge this movie before even walking into the theater.  After all, it's a "black movie" to most of the critics.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You could have substituted any race in this movie and it would have still been virtually the same.  

What I got most from the movie is that TBMH really taught some life lessons throughout those 123 minutes.  I can say that definitively because it hit really close to home in regards to one of the main plot lines.

* SPOILER ALERT * (skip to the Spoiler Alert ending if you plan on seeing this movie)

It hit close to home for me because it involved a man on the verge of starting the "cruise control" part of life who lost his wife to a slow death -- cancer.  Morris Chestnut's character, Lance, had to learn how draw strength from his wife's suffering.  She taught him how to love, forgive, and appreciate.  He did everything that she said because he knew that she was telling him "the right thing."  You tend to take things a lot more seriously coming from the mouth of someone who is dying.

* END OF SPOILER *

The viewers of this movie will learn that, too.  At least I hope that they will.  Too often I see people who don't appreciate what they have in their family and friends.  They take people for granted with the utmost of confidence that they'll always be around.  They treat people poorly not thinking of how that person could be gone with the next breath.  They dismiss opportunities to spend time with someone because they assume there's always tomorrow.  They never miss a good thing until it's taken away from them.

That's not me.  Although there are some things I would do differently if I had a do-over with my mom and The Mrs. if they were still alive, I have no regrets.  I enjoyed them while they were here and never stopped showing my appreciation.  It doesn't mean that I didn't have lapses.  There were times I could have been a better son/husband.  But, I'm human.  Those things will happen.  I've learned from those lapses and it has made me a better son to my father and I'll be an even better husband when that time comes.

The main thing is that now that they're gone, I can look myself in the mirror and say with confidence that I showed them that I loved them both.  For those of you who have never lost a parent, child, close friend, etc., can you do the same?  

If someone in your household died tomorrow, can you honestly look in the mirror and say that "I gave them 100% of me?"  Will they take their last breath knowing that you love them?

Who Will Tell Their Stories?

One of my father's childhood friends stopped by his house recently while I was visiting. Listening to them talk about growing up together was so entertaining! I sat back and listened to each story that they told.  Knowing what life was like for my father as a child is fascinating to me.  He's told me so many stories of how he and his brothers grew up in 40's and 50's in Mississippi.  I value each and every story I get from family as a timeless treasure.

The photo attached is one of my mom and her siblings.  I know a story about every person in it.  My uncle in the black shirt once told me a funny story about jumping off a moving truck in an attempt to impress girls as a youth.  My aunt next to him told me a story of how her husband forgot to play her usual numbers for the Minnesota lottery the one day her numbers were actually selected.  The lady in the middle is my mom, so of course I know everything about her.  My uncle in the suspenders shared with me how his dad (my granddad) broke him from smoking cigarettes.  My aunt in the red shirt shared about how she once had to discipline my mom for being bad.

So many entertaining stories that takes you back in time as you listen to them.  However, it sometimes makes me feel pretty bad about not having a son or daughter to share these stories with about my family. My cousins have kids, so they may attempt to share some things.  Although I have god kids and my lady has kids, they probably wouldn't understand the dynamic of my family. Especially on my father's side.  If you didn't grow up around my family like my cousins and I did, then it would be hard to understand some of the inside jokes that come from the stories that they tell.  It's almost like walking in on the middle of a movie.  You may figure some things out, but you'll never have foundation that all good stories must have.

But, me not being able to pass things down is not the real tragedy.  The real tragedy is that I don't think kids have an interest in hearing those type of stories. If it's not about "Twilight," a reality show, an Xbox game or something like that, then kids tend to tune grown people out after three minutes or so.

So, where will these stories go? Will they die with me?  

Unfortunately, I think that they will.  Talking to elders is a thing of the past.  Previous generations and how they live aren't important in our society now.  They probably haven't been in more than a decade.  At least not any more.  I'm not the only one who recognizes that fact either.

The cable network called AMC (once called American Movie Classics) changed their name because they wanted to get away from the classic and appeal to younger generations.  It's why they now have programming like "The Walking Dead" and "Breaking Bad."  They know that very few want to watch old black and white movies today.  Do you know anyone under 40 years of age who can watch a black and white TV show/movie?

The United States is probably one of the only countries that doesn't hold its elders in high regard.  In Asian countries, older people are revered for their experience and wisdom.  To sit with someone who has truly experienced life is an honor to most of them and other countries.  Here in the States, it's considered a waste of time for some.  Kids don't want to hear how things used to be.  They don't care what life was like before cell phones and remote controls.  It doesn't affect their lives so it has no place.

That's so sad to me.  Storytelling is a lost art.  I used to enjoy sitting on the porch and talking to my grandmother about her days as a little girl.  I heard about how she had to work from the crack of dawn to sundown as a pre-teen.  I remember hearing that she didn't have her first TV until she was in her 30's.  She's told me about how racism was rampant in Mississippi.  In fact, she just recently told me about how she cooked breakfast at her sister's house for two of the three civil rights workers not too long before they were later murdered in Philadephia, MS.

Hearing how she lived gives me perspective on how I live.  Perspective is something we severely lack in society.  We can't put ourselves in someone else's shoes because we don't have to do so.  My generation doesn't appear interested in sharing things with its kids.  In fact, my generation invented things to keep kids occupied so that we wouldn't have to talk to them.  Why else would someone think of putting a DVD player in a vehicle?

How can a kid understand the privilege of having a car when he/she doesn't even know that his/her grandma had to walk to school?

How can a kid appreciate having over 200 television stations when he/she doesn't know that granddad only had four while growing up?

How can a kid value the time family spends together when everything promotes individualism (iPod/earbuds, cell phone, tablets).

As much as it pains me to say it, "cherishing our elders are a thing of the past."  I honestly think that my generation (70's babies) is the last one where a majority of us truly appreciate the stories we were told by those a generation above us.

It's a shame, too.  Now that I'm 42 years old, I have lived life long enough to have stories to tell.  Some funny and some serious.  But, "who wants to hear them" is what I ponder.  The only people who will probably know about my stories are the ones who follow my blog.  The rest just don't seem to care.

Am I wrong when I say that our elders are no longer relevant to a majority of young people?

Speak Now or Forever Shut Up!

We all know that famous line that is given out in most traditional weddings. Yet, very few people take advantage of the opportunity to present an argument to the marriage. Most of us just sit on our hands and allow our friend/loved one to possibly jump into the biggest mistake of their life.

What is the best way to tell someone you care about that they're making a mistake? Most people who are in love see their significant other through rose-colored glass.  So, how do you come between that when you know in your heart that your loved one may get hurt?

We've all seen movies or heard of nightmare scenarios from others about how their sister's husband had his hands all over another woman or their cousin's fiancee was seen head-bobbing in someone else's backseat.  It can leave you in a dilemma on what to do.  You know that if your loved one doesn't believe you that they will probably hate you for life behind your accusations.  Even if you prove that the accusations are true it doesn't guarantee you'll be as close as you once were.

The other side of the coin is doing nothing.  If you sit back and do nothing and it is later revealed that you knew all along, then how will that sit with your loved one?  Seems like a lose-lose situation to me.

How do you approach a loved one to tell them bad news about their s/o?  Or do you not approach at all?

Family / Dollar

No, I'm not talking about the department store. I'm taking about the choice between what's more important: family or dollars? Is Black Thursday Friday now a reflection of the "American Way?" There's so much greed in this country that it's a wonder that anyone cares about his fellow man these days.

Everything is centered around making profits. Everything. Black Friday (which is not a holiday for black people) has always been the one day that retailers could rejoice in knowing that they would make a profit. People line up in front of stores just waiting for the doors to open at 4 or 5 AM. After the doors open, they'll stampede down the aisles looking for that bargain item of choice.

However, things change. With the internet now being woven into our daily lives, Cyber Monday became a second day for retailers to make a killing on sales.  Consumers could sit in front of their PC's and point/click their way to great deals.  But, even that isn't enough for the retailers.  Hmmmmm....  How can they make even more cash?

Oh, I know!  They'll open up the stores on Thursday evening and start the sales then!  It doesn't matter if employees are pulled away from their family's dinner table because a profit is more important!  Right?  If it doesn't make dollars then it doesn't make cents (sense).

Stores across the country opened their doors early which required employees to cut their Thanksgiving short and I think that it sucks.  Don't get me wrong.  It's essential that certain people work on holidays.  Customer service centers are always needed to provide help for cable, cell phone, insurance companies.  But do you really need someone to sell you an HDTV at 9 PM on Thanksgiving night?

I had a discussion with my homie, M&M, about how Target and Walmart employees were threatening to strike over the fact that they had to work on a holiday.  They were upset that these stores were taking them away from their family time and rest.  M&M agreed. 

He mentioned how when Sam Walton was alive, he stressed his employees being happy at Walmart.  However, when he died in 1992, his family did the exact opposite of what he would have wanted.  They started opening on Sundays and eventually went to a 24/7 superchain store.  The employees became an after-thought because the only focus of Walmart was to make money.  It was no longer an all-American store either as agreements were made with China to make just about everything in the store.

So, the employees have to come to work and we, the consumers, take full advantage of it without giving it a thought.  We roll into these stores with these disgruntled employees and then get upset over poor customer service.  I guess that's the trade-off you get.  You get employees selling you an HDTV on a Thursday night, but you get the attitude along with it because that person can't even enjoy their own TV at home with their family.  When employees become only a warm body to their company, then you can rest assure that the customer service will suffer.  See AT&T.  If you don't believe me, then go to a Chick-Fil-A restaurant if you're ever in the South and see how great their customer service is.  It's the best I've seen ever and I've been to a lot of places.  Not working on Sundays or holidays does something for morale.  I'm just saying.

With each passing year, money becomes even more of a focus.  How can we possibly expect children to learn how to care from one another when adults don't?  Is it so important to add another million to the billion that you already have that you'll cut someone's holiday short?  Why not use the internet for early sales on Thursdays instead of requiring the physical locations to open?

Don't get me wrong.  I love convenience.  It's nice to need something in the middle of the night and know that I can go get it.  However, I understand that employees have lives and I wouldn't want to come in between them any more than someone doing it to me.  I'm pretty sure that not one CEO worked last Thursday.  They sat at home and took naps after eating turkey while Joe Sixpack and Sally Housecoat had to pay for a babysitter on a family holiday so they could work overnight.

I once was naive enough to think that things could change, but I think that we're too far gone in this country.  We don't care about each other and eventually, we will be one step away from cutting each other's throat for a competitive edge.  These big corporations don't care if you spend time with your family or not.  They just want you to make their money.  Yeah, you may get holiday pay, but wouldn't you at least want the option of your family or a dollar?

Am I wrong here?  Do stores put more focus on money than their employees well-being and will it hurt us as a country in the long run?

Dealing with Death... Again

I know that I've been missing from my blog and social networks for a while. It just wasn't a focus of mine over the past month or so. The love of my life, who I affectionately called "The Mrs.," is no longer with me. Her battle with breast cancer (since '03) finally came to an end at 2 AM on November 5th.

After we returned from her birthday trip to San Diego, The Mrs. checked into the hospital on 10/10 due to shortness of breath. One of the side effects from chemotherapy is the weakening of the immune system. She had complications from pneumonia which caused a fluid build-up on the lungs. Almost a month later, her body was too weak to recover from the surgery that she received to remove the fluid. What we thought would be a 24 hour hospital stay turned into 27 days.  Her mom and I stayed with her at the hospital during the duration of her stay.

The funeral was yesterday and although it was filled with tears and sadness, it was also an opportunity to move on.  I did my best to leave all of my sorrows at the gravesite.  Now, when say "move on," I don't mean forgetting.  I mean moving on with life which stops for no one. I definitely know that to be true because life didn't wait for dirt on my mom's grave to settle before this occurred.  My mom's tombstone for her grave had just arrived last week and I saw it for the first time when picking out a spot for The Mrs.

Last night was the first time I dreamed about The Mrs. since she died. In fact, it was the first time that I recall dreaming at all in quite some time. In the dream, she was her normal, healthy self. Nothing seemed weird about the dream at all and it took some time after waking up to even think about the fact that she wasn't sick. I guess that's just a hint to me that she's no longer suffering.

Dinner Disruption

I'm guilty of something. There's something that I'm constantly doing at least twice a day. I didn't even do it at all as a teen, but now I always have it in my hand fiddling around with it.  

Wait. Ew. Seriously? That's so gross. Not that!!!!! I'm talking about checking my cell phone at the dinner table, you perv!

Anyway, it's a problem that I'm trying to do a better job of eliminating. Growing up, cell phones weren't mainstream, so dinner was for spending time with family. Besides, even if they would have been mainstream, I'm pretty sure my father would have snatched it out of my hands if I broke it out at the table. I wasn't even allowed to bring my handheld Coleco Total Control 4 Football game with me to the table.  Dinner was a time that my parents played 20 Questions with me and my brother to see what the heck we've been up to at school or something.  Every now and then, we'd get a treat and we were allowed to eat in front of the TV, but most of the time, it was all about family.   So, being that I was raised like that, what has changed that has caused me to not be able to stop myself from grabbing my cell phone at a dinner table?

1) Being single - From the age of 24 until the age of 30, I lived alone. Within those six years, I easily developed the habit of eating in front of the television. There wasn't anyone else in the house with me, so to sit at the dining room table alone made me feel stupid. By the time The Mrs. and I got married and she moved in, the habit of being distracted while eating was already six years into existence.

2) Cell phone evolution - At one time, they were only for making calls (imagine that). Then all of these cool and addictive things became possible with the advancement of technology! I can send a message to a friend without having to actually speak to them? Sign me up!  I can go online and get the scores of the NBA game that's showing in the other room? Winning!  I can read and respond to a "blog froth" from the Reckmonster?  Done!  I can see Instagram photos from @SoLynnieLike without being at a computer?  Holla! 

Do you see my problem? Like many of the young people that I criticize, I also want instant gratification. I can't even stuff my face without a dinner disruption of my own creation. Well, a restaurant is attempting to help me get over my problem. A restaurant in L.A. called Eva's is offering discounts for those who check their cell phones at the door. 5% doesn't sound like a lot, but when you consider that some of their entrees are $45, then dinner for two can save you $10 if both of you check in your phones.

And although I live nowhere near L.A., the precedent is being set by Eva's. They're trendsetters! What starts as one location and 5% today could turn into restaurants across the country doing it for 10% or 15%. At Eva's, they want people to enjoy what we all used to enjoy as kids (for those around 30 and older): "We're trying to create an ambience where you come in and really enjoy the experience and the food and the company," says Eva's owner and chef, Mark Gold (quoted from an article in Gizmodo).

Dinner with only food and conversation. Who would have guessed something like that would be a throwback?  


Do you constantly check your cell phone at the dinner table?

Source

Dealing with Death

I know that I've been missing from my blog and social networks for a while.  It just wasn't a focus of mine over the past week or so.  My mom passed away at 130 AM on June 2nd.  She had been battling multiple myeloma for a couple of years now.  She was in and out of the hospital over the past few months, but she checked in, for the last time, the day after Mother's Day.

It was within a week that we learned that it was pretty much a waiting game.  We didn't know when, but we knew that death was inevitable and that the doctors could do no more.  Although it was painful to watch my mom fade with each passing day, things were made a bit easier to know how many people loved her.  She had tons of visitors and got to benefit from the love from so many people whose lives she had touched over the years.

To me, that was the true meaning of a legacy.  A legacy isn't leaving children behind or having some statue built in your honor.  A legacy is leaving people with a part of you that they will keep with them forever.  My mom passed away with family at her side and that's what anyone should want.  Not some phone call saying something unexpected happened, but to be able to actually say "goodbye."

I feel a sense of pride of how wonderful of a lady she was based on all of the people who have come by to visit my dad.  How could one person have touched so many lives in 69 years?  I know that the strength and pride that I feel today will stay with me after the funeral.  The services on tomorrow will be "closed casket" at my mom's request, so yesterday's viewing at the funeral home was my last time seeing her.  The tears I shed on yesterday were not because I was feeling sorry for myself or asking "why?"  They were tears of gratitude of me saying "thank you."  "Thank you" for keeping me in line when I was a child and for never stop being my mother after adulthood.  Even though I'm dealing with death, the memories of the life lessons that you taught will still guide me going forward.

I ask that my readers understand that I don't plan on responding to any comments on this post although I do appreciate them.  I need to get past this feeling I've had.  It's not healthy.  After a few days of feeling lost, I'm slowly returning back to my everyday self.  That's what my mom would have wanted.  For me to be me.  For me to be the strong one and to take care of my grandmother and my father.  To do that, I have to have the strength to move on...

...And Momma didn't raise no punk.

Scott Joins #T2Q!

Scott brought it on the Talk 2 Q Radio Show! He met some opposition from the callers on his stance on spanking, but he didn't back down. He also received some support from Maritza and Beverly in the chat room who agreed with him 100%. He really help put some things in perspective and held his own against M&M, who is one of the show's strongest callers.

I enjoy reading Scott's blog because he stands for what he believes in regardless of what people around him may think. If it's what is best for his family, then he's really to fight you tooth-and-nail for that right. That's an admirable quality that I wish more people possessed. I urge each and everyone of you to follow his blog at www.thisdaddysblog.com and get a look at the life of a man who does whatever it takes to be a leader in his household.

You Marry Their Family

When you marry someone, you marry their family. There's no way around it.

Will you find yourself in the middle of in-law drama?

So many happy couples have the absolutely worst in-laws and it causes problems. I'm so happy to have in-laws who are wonderful. My mother and father-in-law are great people who have treated me like a son. My brothers-in-law have all accepted me and have been a lot of fun to hang around from time-to-time. My nieces and nephews are bright kids ranging from ages 12 - 25 who will grow up to be good people. My family also love my in-laws. In fact, my parents and The Mrs.' parents have known each other for over 40 years and they get along very well.

But, I lucked out. So many others have situations that they "married into" that they are regretting now. I remember dating a lady back in the mid-90's who had a brother with a drug problem. He was a user and a dealer (which is never a good combination). He would smoke his own product and get so high that he'd forget that he smoked it. Then he would accuse everyone in his household that they stole it from him. Her mom was an alcoholic who spent most of her days on the front porch. It was very sad and the end-result was a very short relationship with that girl (roughly six weeks). I didn't want to subject myself to those type of people on a regular basis. Besides, I saw some of those bad habits in her as well. She was always looking for a fast buck and she wasn't motivated to work. Despite the fact that she was cute and was really into me, I had to do what I felt was best long term.

You'll have to accept the family for who they are.  All of them.

Over the years, I've met some people who have had similar, if not worse, situations, yet they chose to "ride out the storm." Almost all of them ended up separated, divorced, or stuck in a volatile marriage. You may think that you're marrying the person and not their family, but that's not the case. Unless it's a situation where you live far away from that family and have little contact, you could be subjecting yourself to inherited drama.

So, know your limits on what you can and cannot endure. Understand that your family may have to interact with your spouse's family regularly. So, it's important that they all be on the same maturity level and get along.

Your family may have to interact with them as well.  Perfect fit or not?

Is it absolutely necessary that your spouse's family are perfect people? No. But, be prepared for a lot of gray hairs if everyone doesn't mesh.


Hey, while you're here, check out my guest posts that I've done over at Sonia's site (LogAllot.com) and Brandon's site(LostInIdaho.me)

How Do You Protect Your Brand? (guest post) ~ LogAllot

Mommy, Look at the Penguins! (guest post) ~ My Own Private Idaho