Why Women Think They Can Change His Mind but Not His Wardrobe

There’s an interesting dynamic in dating that often gets overlooked: it’s usually easier to change a man’s style than his personality. Yet, when it comes to relationships, many women tend to invest their energy in the opposite direction.

Think about it. A man who’s “sweet but swagless” often gets overlooked because his presentation doesn’t match the confidence and energy women are drawn to. He might be respectful, loyal, and genuinely kind—but if his sneakers are outdated, his jeans fit like a 2005 throwback, or he just hasn’t found his style, he gets labeled as “dorky” or “boring.”

On the other hand, the man with the swagger—the one whose clothes, haircut, and presence scream confidence—often gets all the attention. He may be inconsistent, disloyal, or openly a cheater, but women will convince themselves that they can fix his mentality. They’ll buy into the project of “changing” his ways, believing their love, patience, or loyalty will reform him.

But here’s the irony: it’s infinitely harder to rewire someone’s character than to upgrade their closet.

• Wardrobe is surface-level. A haircut, new clothes, and some guidance can completely reinvent a man’s appearance and confidence within weeks.

• Personality is rooted. A cheater’s behavior patterns are tied to deeper values, habits, and choices. Trying to reform that is a long shot, and often ends in heartbreak.

The overlooked truth is that women who dismiss “sweet guys with no swag” are passing up on someone who already has the qualities that matter most in a long-term partner. Instead of trying to turn a cheater into a faithful man, why not turn a loyal “dork” into a stylish, confident version of himself?

At the end of the day, you can take a man shopping and transform his look overnight—but changing his mindset? That’s not just harder. For most, it’s impossible.

The Recipe For Successful Dating

How do you date successfully? See what Dr. Tiffany Anderson, Marrie Lobel, Suzie and André have to contribute on the discussion. Hopefully you will learn to ask the right questions after hearing them give their two cents!

The Double Standards of Sex

There are a ton of double standards in the world when it comes to men and women, but the double standards of sex seems to get people riled up the most. 

When a guy is having sex with a bunch of women, he’s just "being a guy". But when women have sex with a bunch of dudes, she’s going through a "hoe phase" or a "hot girl summer". 

Fair or foul? 

Check out the opinions of this group of people and comment with your conclusion.

Relationships Are Like Chicken Sandwiches

Before you say anything, no, I haven't completely lost my mind just yet.  I know that the title seems a little crazy, but hopefully, I can convey my point without someone committing me to a mental institution.

Maybe I should have said that "relationships are like fast food restaurants that sell chicken sandwiches".  Meh, that doesn't really flow off of the tongue.

Anyway, let's take Chick-fil-A.  By no means is CFA what I would consider a "sexy" fast food restaurant.  Their restaurants are on the conservative side with no flashy colors or logos.  They don't do gimmicks in order to get your attention, but they keep a line of cars around the building in their drive-thrus.  They attract their customers with consistency, great customer service, and solid food.  They don't open on Sundays because they believe people should have a day off with family.  I guess that makes them thoughtful as well and also shows that they don't focus on money.  

Now let's take a look at Popeyes.  Like CFA, they focus on chicken, but at one time they weren't really known for having a chicken sandwich like CFA.  In the late summer of 2019, they released a chicken sandwich that took the country by storm.  People were lining up around the block for this chicken sandwich.  There were even fights over it.  They'd finally achieved the attention that CFA was getting.  

But, it was temporary because they still didn't focus on the customer.  You didn't get the same friendly service as CFA.  They would run out of food in the middle of the day due to lack of preparation.  You would sometimes wait 30+ minutes to get your food.  

Popeyes had figured out a way that they could get you, but they couldn't keep you.  And because of that, there are no longer lines around the building to get a Popeyes chicken sandwich.  Their success was short-lived.

Now McDonald's, Burger King, and even Taco Bell have joined the chicken sandwich war to try and get a piece of the action.  Really Taco Bell?  I won't even get into any of those places.

Okay, so I said all of that to say: people seem to follow the same path when it comes to relationships.  You have the consistent, always-friendly and reliable person who is just like Chick-fil-A.  You know exactly what you're going to get when you deal with that person.  They may not be the flashiest or the sexiest pick, but they will always come through for you and give you what you need.  Because you are their focus.  You are their priority.

Then you have the person like Popeyes who hits you like a ton of bricks when you first meet them.  Everyone seems to want a piece of them.  They look the part and sound the part at first, but then you find out over time that they're not all that.  They're inconsistent.  They take you for granted and seem to act like they're doing you a favor.  And they're definitely not focused on you or your happiness.

Lastly, you have the people who are like McDonald's, BK, and Taco Bell.  Monkey-see, monkey-do.  They will do whatever they can just to be noticed although most people will leave from them with a bad taste in their mouth.

So, I guess the moral of this blog post is: be more like Chick-fil-A and less like Popeyes.

Okay, maybe I do need to be committed to a mental institution.  SMH.

Men Judge Your Social Media

Okay, so we've seen countless ladies post memes that say things like, "the memes I post on Facebook are strictly for entertainment. And if you don't believe it, then that's on you." And they expect you to ignore the thirst trap photos, drama-filled rants, and posts about them claiming that they're single. 

The truth is: men judge women by their Facebook post, regardless if ladies thinks that is fair, accurate or not, we just do. 

And as a man, I don't want the trouble that comes along with someone who is beefing on Facebook with people or someone who posts cryptic updates just to try to get some type of reaction or response. And don't get me started on a thirst trap photos. I mean, those same women will complain about guys in their inbox. I mean, come on now. Are you serious? If you put honey on the kitchen counter, then expect to get ants. That's just how that works. 

Inspirational quotes in the morning and thirst trap photos at night will definitely get you attention. But from whom? But hey, I'm not an expert. I just have an opinion. So let me share the opinion of another and get his two cents. 

He's the host of the Hard Parking Podcast: society and culture first, the car stuff comes second. It's essentially a non-automotive automotive podcast. It's a dope show that I enjoy. And it can be found on Anchor, Apple podcasts or just about anywhere podcasts are found. From the Grand Canyon State of Arizona, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jhae Pfenning. 

Jhae, let the people know your two cents on women in our Facebook posts. 

"I don't know man, I think it's difficult in 2020. Because the landscape is so different than when I was growing up. I think now, if ever it's more acceptable, but I don't think they're gonna attract a guy who seriously wants to date him. I think about this, because because I can't even imagine life as a woman on social media. You don't have even have to look good in do to slide in your DM. I can't imagine what some of these girls are doing. Are they doing it to themselves? Yes. 

But I think about, I used to be a bouncer. And one of the things as a bouncer is, it's so difficult. So if a girl comes in, she's hanging out with her friends. And you're like, 'man, there's something about her, I want to know who she is, I want to know her more. She's kind of quiet sticking to herself. Sticking to her friends. She's not out there dancing or whatever, not acting a fool most of the time.' 

Even if they allow you to talk to them. They're not going to give you the time of day, if you ask them out, they're not going to take you serious because the stigma is, since you work at the club, and you a bouncer, you're asking every girl every night, the same thing. You're taking girls home all the time. And I can just say for me, that was never the case. I know there's some people out there telling these stories, and this happened to them. For me, that was never the case. 

And so if a girl is putting herself out there on social media, doing all these quotes, these inspirational quotes, these motivational quotes. 'I just need a guy', 'I don't want a guy's gonna lie to me', you know, all that kind of shit. 'Find a guy who's going to be truthful for you and make him your king', girls who do that. 

Then they posted these extremely sexualized photos of themselves and they know what they're doing. And then they're like, 'I need a man'. No one's gonna take him serious. Because the stigma is, you're just doing it for attention. You can't crowd-source a relationship. That's what dating apps are for. 

So 'no', no one's gonna take him serious. It'll be rare. The really good guy that they really want to get is not gonna take him serious."

You heard the homie, Jhae. The guy that you want. That man? He won't take you seriously. You'll get the attention of "guys", but guys are a dime a dozen and they're in it just for a good time and that alone time. 

If you want a "man", then whether you like or don't like what Jhae and I are saying, you may want to pay attention to what you post on social media, because men are judging you by it. Fair or not, it's reality.

Your Generation Doesn't Want A Relationship

Why are we fooling ourselves? A majority of people no longer desire to have the spouse, 3 kids, dog, and white picket fence any more. Because society no longer glorifies being married. Sure, we love weddings, but not marriages.

I'm a 70's baby and I think that my generation is the last who really care about being married. A ton of people my age have either tried it or wanted to, but 1980 and beyond, I'm not so sure.

• You want someone to do happy hour with you every now and then. 
• You want a plus one to social gatherings. 
• You want someone to text you "good morning" and "good night". 
• You want someone make small talk with via text when there's a break at work. 
• You want someone to contact to fill that intimacy void when you're lonely and in need of something physical.

But you don't want all of this at the same time. Or sometimes not even with the same person.

• You want to feel like you're in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. 
•  You don't want the commitment. 
• You don't want the pressure of remembering and shopping for anniversaries and birthdays. 
• You don't want the difficult conversations that come along with finding long-term compatibility. 
• You don't want the same person in your face every... single... day. 

How many times have we seen someone post on Facebook about how they've been single for "X" number of years?  "Why don't I have someone already?"

Because you haven't put in the effort. That "everyone is a winner" mentality you learned as a kid is the reason you're sitting around waiting on your participant trophy.

• You don't want to invest in a relationship, but you want to reap all of the benefits. 
• You don't want to make yourself a better candidate for someone to want you because you work harder on our Match.com profile than you do on your personality. 

 So, let's just admit it: you live in the generation that doesn't really want relationships.  You want something that is a bit relationship-ish.  Luckily for you, there's an app for that!

How To Listen To The Talk 2 Q Radio Show

Click here.  It's just that simple. :)

The Talk 2 Q Radio Show is a show for adults to get together and rant about whatever the trending topic may be. Relationships, race relations, politics, sports, and more! If you have something to get off your chest, then join the chat room and / or call in and let your opinions be known!

Unlike most shows where you simply listen to the host, I allow you a chance to do the talking. You have the opportunity to express an opinion or rant on a subject. I want to hear what you have to say which is why I named the show "Talk 2 Q" and not "Listen 2 Q."

The Call-in Number: (516) 595-8306. There is also the aforementioned chat room where you can interact with other listeners and ask questions to the host and / or guests.


Okay, enough of that. Let's talk about what I'm really about. Where do I start? I'm old school. That's an understatement to any of you who have followed me for a while, but it's a true statement. Being blessed with a two-parent household as a child, I was raised with many traditional values from the Hospitality State of Mississippi.

Examples: taking my hat/cap off before entering someone's home, holding a door for a lady to enter first, a firm handshake, making eye contact when speaking with people, and being accountable for my actions to name a few.

As crazy as it sounds, those things are becoming a lost art. Too many boys out there lack the man training that is necessary to continue the dwindling cycle of main components of manhood. Pride, responsibility, and accountability have been replaced with entitlement, dependency, and deflection. 

These are the things that fuel the passion for my radio show. I want to bring morals and values back to mainstream America one show at a time. Because although there are plenty of outlets for people to express themselves freely, there isn't one quite like T2Q.

Direct. Real. Uncensored. 

Why? Because "some things need to be said."

Fellas, Don't Spend More Than $15 for First Dates

I know that the ladies are looking at the title of this post with their mouths agape.  Sorry, ladies, but some of you all kind of brought this on yourselves.  It's too expensive these days to have an old school mentality in a new school world.  It's time for men's dating tactics to evolve just as women have.

At one point of my life, I could meet a woman that I liked and take her out on what was called "a proper date".  That would usually include dinner and drinks in which I would get the tab at the end of the evening.  This was how most relationships (or an attempt at one) started.  It may have been costly sometimes, but both parties were genuinely interested in getting to know one another.  So, it didn't feel like a huge loss if things didn't work out.

However, things are different these days.  Fellas, there are a lot of women out there who just want "something to do".  Sure, they may be interested in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that it has to be with you.  There are plenty of women who will go out with a guy they have no intention of ever dating.  They'll laugh, joke, and will probably even have a good time with you and then you won't hear from them again until their hungry.

There are a lot of "good enough" guys out here in society to keep these women occupied until they find the man that they actually want.  I decided years ago that I would no longer be that "good enough" guy.  If I'm not "the" guy then she can waste someone else's time on a Friday night.  There is always another woman, guys, so don't get so caught up on one who doesn't even want you.  If she comes at you wanting some lavish dinner from somewhere then you should question her motives.  Unless she's agreeing to go dutch.

If a woman is truly interested in a man then she will meet him for coffee or even frozen yogurt.  Because she values his time more than just what he can do for her.  And I won't hesistate to tell any young guy who will listen, "don't spend more than $15 for first dates."  Find out if you even like her or not (and if she likes you) before you spend your hard-earned money on someone who has your name saved in her phone under "Crab Legs".

You Shouldn't Have To Manage Adults #Relationships

We've gotten to the point in today's society that we have to sometimes "manage" our significant others.  Aggression is so acceptable now that we almost expect our mates to be "difficult" at times.  Whether they're mad at you or at someone else, it seems like people just choose to not get along amicably these days. 

What happened to trying to keep the peace?  Why does everyone have to be right so badly that they would jeopardize important things over it?

You shouldn't have to manage adults (who don't work for you).  Trying to help someone else get control of their emotions can be extremely draining.  However, a lot of us are conditioned to think that behavior like that is a part of what strengtens a relationship.  As if you can't have a strong bond without a dust up every now and then.  That cannot be further from the truth.

I've had dealings with a variety of personalities in my life and I am a strong promoter of finding someone who is willing to keep the peace rather than bring the ruckus.  I've dealt with people that I've had to console them even though the things that irked them were non-existent or petty (by most people's standards).  I've had to calm people down to prevent them from doing regretful on the job due to an emotional flare up.  I even once dated a woman once who got mad at me for not being as mad as she was about something that I still, to this day, don't understand how it applied to her.

Know that there are people out here who don't start sentences with "I feel" when they are upset.  That's usually a sign that they've thrown logic out of the window.  There are people out here who will still think before they speak.  There are people who aren't prisoners of their emotions. 

You don't have to settle for someone who isn't even in control of his or herself.  You can have peace if you seek it.  It doesn't mean that conflict won't ever occur.  It just means that you will both take a sensible approach to resolving it with as little regret as possible.

"He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly."   Proverbs 14:29

The Illusion of Adornment: Why Women "Primp"

It's amazing what some women go through each and every day of their lives.  I don't mean the very task of being a woman and dealing with double standards an inequality each day.  I mean the optional struggles that some women have.

Makeup.

It's a billion dollar industry and I'm sure that it will be a trillion dollar industry by the time Millineals reach my age.  And don't get me wrong.  I won't be naive in acting as if I don't understand the concept.  I truly do.  Makeup is an enhancer for most people who use it.  But like most things in society these days, it's on another level and has reached the point of ridiculousness.  The cost for eye brow shaping, hair coloring, weave, lipstick, fake nails, nail polish, and more has reached astronomical proportions, but women seek these services more than ever these days.


Why do women do it?  It's very expensive and extremely time-consuming.  I've had multiple women tell me because it's the only way a man will look at them.  That's not quite true, but I can see how some women think that.  Men do tend to pay attention to shiny objects when we walk into a room.  That's only natural.  It doesn't mean we want those women though (at least not long term).

The best way for me to put this from a guy's perspective is like this: If I see a red Corvette driving down the highway at 70 mph, it's going to get my attention.  I will stare at it and want one.  Maybe even "rent" one some day just to say that I had it.  But, when it comes to what I park in my driveway, it will be something a lot more sensible.

Comparing women to cars may be a bad idea, but analogies are funny like that.  All I'm trying to say is that if you're looking for a guy who only likes fast cars, then by all means primp away.  But, there are many reasons that very few guys own Corvettes: they are expensive to acquire, the maintenance is even more costly, they will always draw attention (good or bad), your mom won't think it's safe, and it's not practical for kids.

So many of you ladies are beautiful as you are.  Stop letting makeup companies trick you into thinking that spending hundreds of dollars to look like someone else is the only way to get a man.  And no, I'm not anti-makeup by any means.  I just hate when pampering becomes tampering.  Where you draw the lines is subject to debate, but some sort of stance needs to be taken.

Look at it this way: you may get him, but you won't keep him.  Not on false pretenses.  Because at some point the cosmetics have to come off. 

All I'm asking for ladies to do is be original.  Stop looking like everyone else.  I've always come down on guys for buying Jordans and certain designer clothes because it makes all of those guys look like clones.  I want the same individually for women, too.  Find something and make it yours!

Time Bandits

One thing that I hate to do is waste my time.  Time is the one thing they can't make more of in this world.  You only have what's allotted for you and to waste it on something not beneficial is somewhat tragic.

I've done many posts on the shortcomings of men, but this one is focused on the women.  If I had a dollar for every minute of time women have wasted of my life then I'd be typing this blog post on a gold keyboard with a diamond-encrusted mouse.

Some women are like bass pros: they'll get you on the hook, keep you on the line until they tire you out, pull you out of your comfort zone, show all of their friends what they caught, and then release you leaving you emotionally and physically drained (and sometimes financially).

It's made me change my entire approach to dating.  As much as I've always pushed for men to be chivalrous, my thoughts have changed tremendously about it.  It's not that I no longer believe in it.  It's just the evolution of today's society has encouraged me to take a different approach towards dating.  It may not apply to all, but to older guys still trying to find their way, it may help.

Here is some advice that I will give to the fellas over 30 years old:

If she's broke, then do no entertain her long-term.

It's one thing to fall on hard times, but it's another to constantly make bad decisions.  There are way too many women out there with new clothes and designer purses who constantly have a gas needle on "E".  You don't need someone who is going to bring you down.  Find your equal or better.  These women may be a good time short-term, but long-term will more than likely take you down through there.  Don't invest your time until you can determine if she's just always "living in the moment" or really "trying to get herself together".

Don't go overboard on a first date.

I met my current lady at a bar for drinks on our first date.  Nothing fancy.  We each had a drink and chatted over the course of an hour.  Cost me $14.  The purpose of the date was to get to know each other.  It wasn't for me to peacock it up and try to impress her.  It doesn't make any sense to spend a grip on someone you don't even know likes you yet.  There are some women who will "free meal" you.  They'll smile, laugh at your jokes, eat and drink good, and then fade into the sunset.  It's okay to invite her to coffee or cocktails on the first date.  If she objects and thinks that she deserves something bigger, then let some other dude do it.  Save your money for someone who genuinely wants to enjoy your company and not what you can do for them.  If she likes you, then she'll want to be around you no matter where you go.  Don't go overboard unless you've already established that she's truly interested in being with you. 

Be firm.

This is the good guy's Achilles heel.  Stand your ground.  If something doesn't feel right then speak up!  Bail out if you need to do so.  Don't waste your time putting up with someone who makes you unhappy.  It's so easy to feel as if you shouldn't let someone go because you've invested your time in them.  That evil nine-letter word "potential" will make you continue to remain involved with someone who is not good for you.  Try not to get caught up.  If you got that woman, then know that you can get another one who is maybe on the same page as you.  Or will at least attempt to be.  Never be afraid to walk out if your needs aren't met.

These are things that I've learned over the years.  They may sound simple, but we all need to get back to basics when it comes to dating.  The game has changed and not all women are looking for relationships out here.  Some are just looking for something to do.  Know the difference and approach accordingly.  It may save you some time.

What's Real? What's Fake?

I don't have kids.  However, if  I did, I would school them on discerning what is real and what is fake when it comes to people.  My instruction to him/her would be: everyone is fake until proven otherwise.  Period.  It doesn't mean that you shouldn't respect them or not treat them fairly.  It just means that you don't submit your feelings to them until they are deemed worthy.  Then I would teach that child what questions to ask to help determine someone's authenticity as well as how to pay attention to actions.

Because it's not easy out here to avoid people who have agendas not congruent to your own.  It doesn't necessarily mean that they are bad people.  It just means that you don't want the same thing or maybe you don't wish to take the same path to arrive to a common goal.  

I was thrusted back into the dating world back in 2012 after the death of my wife and I was not ready at all.  I moved way too quickly and found myself in multipe situations with people who did not prioritize my heart.  T.I. once rapped that, "...all I wanna do is just feel love.  Even if I know it ain't real love..."  That applied to me 100% and I had to be honest with myself and realize that I was approaching things completely wrong.

Those experiences allowed me to grow and flourish to become something even better than I thought I could be.  I'm so thankful for that.  But those experiences also taught me to trust what I see and to not allow myself to get consumed in something that's not meant for me.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is: we usually know when something is not genuine.  We can even pick up on people who are fooling themselves just to try and fool us.  What we need is the confidence and courage to walk away from it until something better comes along.  Because we deserve the best for ourselves.

Why Are Women Only Old Fashioned When It Comes to Dating?

There's a lady who has a crush on me.  The only reason I know this to be true is because her sister has told me so.  Although I don't feel that her and I are a match, I am honored that she feels the way that she does about me.  Guys like to feel wanted, too.

This lady and I have known each other for about 10 years.  We used to work together, but at that time I was married.  I'm guessing that's why she never gave any real hints that she was into me.  Fast forward to now with me being single and I've still yet to see any hints that she's into me.

She smiles when she sees me, laughs at my jokes, but that's about it.  A lot of ladies do that out of courtesy, if nothing else.  But I never get the impression from her that there's more there.

I'm never going to say anything to her about it because again, I don't think we're a match.  However, my whole curiosity behind her crush is: will she ever say anything or give a real hint?

Maybe her sister telling me was all some sort of her master plan, but shouldn't a lady do something to show that she likes a guy?  There's no serious eye contact with me, no touchy-feely, or crowding my personal space.  Nothing.

Instead, it's the same ol', same ol'.

In a country with so many single women looking for men, why are so many of them hush-hush on their feelings?

I probably know what you're thinking: "Well, Q, I'm old fashioned and I think that it's a man's job to pursue a woman."

I can understand that, but why are some women so up-to-date on everything else in the world, but always old fashioned when it comes to dating?

50 years ago, a lot of women didn't work.  50 years ago, a lot of women didn't go to college.  50 years ago, a lot of women didn't even own a car.

Fast forward to today and all of that has changed because women wanted to change their circumstances.  But, when you mention "dating" to a woman, she's "old fashioned".  That's the one thing from 50 years ago she decided to hold onto.  Why is that?

Because for most of them, it fits their purpose:

• If a woman is old fashioned, then she's not expected to "give hints" to a man that she's interested.  That also protects her from being rejected. 
• If a woman is old fashioned, then she's not expected to pick up the tab on a dinner date.  There are some women who are in "whole" relationships with guys and still won't pick up the tab every now and then.
• If a woman is old fashioned, then she may demand chivalry despite maybe lacking class herself.

In a nutshell, being old fashioned allows her to say "oh, I'm just a woman, so you need to do this for me" when it comes to relationships.  Yet, she's a man's equal when it comes to everything else.  And some women are running this mindset into the ground.

If we're going to be equals, then maybe we need to go back to the drawing board on this dating stuff and update some things.

To Be or Not To Be (A Parent)?

Before I got married in 2002, I wanted to be a dad.  My wife and I agreed that we would enjoy the first two or three years of our marriage and then work on starting our family.  I would have been around 32 or 33 at the time we started.

However, life happened.  A year and two months after our wedding, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Our lives were never the same after that.  She had surgery almost immediately and started chemotherapy to try and eradicate the breast cancer cells.  As long as she was on chemo, having children was never an option.

By the time I reached 38 years old and my wife and I both realized that chemotherapy may end up being something she'd have to endure for the rest of her life, my desire for children faded.  I was no longer concerned of being a dad for two reasons: 1) I only wanted my wife to get healthy and 2) I didn't have a desire to be an old dad.  So, I made up my mind that I would be the best godfather to my god kids that I could and no longer worry about being a father.

My wife would remain on chemotherapy for nine years in total up until the day she passed away on November 5th, 2012 at 2 AM.

I was a week way from my 41st birthday and without a wife and a child.  All I ever wanted was the happy ever after ending so many people in the world had.  I wanted my wife, a son, and a daughter.  It didn't seem like too much to ask for, but like I said earlier, "life happened".

My desire to be a parental figure didn't necessarily go away, but my desire to be a father to a newborn did.  So, once I decided to start dating again, I didn't mind dating someone who had children.  However, I never thought that I'd wind up dating someone who had four of them.  Four girls to be exact between the ages of 12 and 19.  Although their mom and I just weren't right for one another, I absolutely enjoyed my time with those kids and still miss spending time with them to this day.  They were wonderful girls who brought a lot of joy to my life!

Then I dated someone who didn't have any kids and she was much younger than me.  Almost 10 years younger, to be exact.  The two of us got along very well, but there was a miscommunication on my part regarding having children.  I was under the impression that she was absolutely set on having them even though I stated at the onset of the relationship that I did not want them.  So, we decided to go our separate ways, which was a shame because I really liked her and we seemed to get along quite nicely.

Not too long after that, an associate of mine from Arkansas became a father.  He was 44 years old at the time when his little man was born.  The look on his face in his Facebook photos showed a happiness that I envied.  Don't get me wrong.  I was extremely happy for him because he expressed so much excitement during his wife's pregnancy.  However, I felt bad for myself for never having that feeling of joy that he was having.

I talked to my brother who is almost six years older than me and doesn't have children.  I asked him what his opinion was on being an older dad.  He told me that even at age 50, if he could be a father, he would do it in a heartbeat.  So, what was stopping me if other guys my age and older were okay with being an older dad?

It made me think.  Was I not wanting to be a dad for the wrong reasons?  Was it a fear of maybe not living long enough to see my child reach his/her 40's like my parents saw my brother and I do?  Was it a fear of not having the "village" in place to help raise the child because so many responsible members of my family were possibly too old to contribute?  What was I afraid of?

Pretty much all of the above.  And after I truly thought about it and realize just how crazy my excuses were for not being a dad, my fear just disappeared and my desire to be a father started to return.  I started wanting an heir to share my dad's funny family stories with so that these stories could continue to live.  I wanted a little one to take to the store to buy comic books just like my mom and dad took me.  I wanted to give someone the life that I had, to the best of my ability.  I felt like I was denying myself a possible chance at a legacy.

And it's that desire that has hit the pause button on my dating with a purpose.  If I want to be a father some day, then that means that I have to date someone who is able/wants to have children.  That means that my dating pool may filter out most people who are my age who may be done having kids or feel as if they've reached an age that it's not safe for them to do so.  I can't move forward until I can decide what it is that I want.

All I can do is continue to pray on it.  Lord knows that I'm not getting any younger.

Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number?

I've heard people say that "age ain't nothin' but a number" before.  However, it's usually a young person saying it.  I've never ever really used the phrase before, but it's definitely not crossed my mind since age 30.

However, at 45 years old, I find myself being approached by younger women (for dates) from time-to-time and it feels awkward to me.  I have peers who would jump at the chance to get with a 20-something who's sniffing around, but I'm not just on that young tip.

Over the past few months, I've had women ages 26-29 approach me for some form of relationship and I will admit that I've been surprised by something:  Some of those younger women appear to be more mature than the women in my preferred dating range (late 30's - mid 40's).

I brought it up to some of my homies and one of them had a theory.  He said, "Younger women don't have as much baggage as older women.  Therefore, they still have hope that they can find a man who simply wants to do the right thing."

I started to wonder if he was onto something.  Was "having hope" the key to all of this?  Did these young ladies believe deep down inside that I would treat them right simply because they haven't given up on love yet like some older women have?

Just how important is "hope" when it comes to dating?

Cheating Is The New Norm

I know a ton of people who cheat on their mates.  Loyalty in relationships is a thing of the past.  Gone like the dinosaur.  Done.  Cheating is accepted more worldwide than Visa cards today.  And at the pace that we're going, it's not going to change any time soon.

Let's start with the men.  Why do we cheat?  We cheat because of multiple reasons:  We cheat because we want something different sexually.  We cheat because our woman pissed us off that day.  We cheat because of peer pressure.  We cheat because our egos coerce us into wondering if we "still got it" or not.

However, we dudes get a pass.  There aren't too many guys in the U.S. who believe that their woman would leave them if they got caught cheating.  In fact, if I had to guess, I'd say that 8 out of 10 women would give him a second chance.  That's not scientific.  That's just my personal opinion.

What guy has an incentive to be loyal if he goes into a relationship thinking that he has "Get Out Of Jail Free" card?

Should guys cheat?  No.  Should women continue to take them back if they do?  No.  Once women stop that, then guys will slow down on the cheating.

As for the women, don't act like they don't cheat.  They cheat almost as much as the guys do.  At one point, women were very good at cheating, but now that's not the case in my opinion.  From social media blunders to physical tells, a guy only has to open his eyes and be unbiased to see it.

But, women don't normally cheat for the same reason that men do.  They usually cheat because they're looking to move on to someone that they think is better than what they have at home.  Maybe the guys isn't exciting enough and she craves a little more pizazz.  So, she'll go out and try to recruit something fresh and invigorating.

It's not uncommon for women to secure a new boo before dumping the old one.  After all, who wants to be alone, right?

Pay close attention when I say this: do not trust anything that anyone says.  Period.

People will woo you with words while their actions will drive a stake through your heart.  Don't fall for it.  Pay attention and if you find out that they're dishonest, then get out of the relationship cold turkey.  Don't drag it out or pray that it gets better because it won't.  You have no guarantees that a person will change, so why waste your time?

Actions will speak louder than words every time and these days I approach relationships with ear plugs and you should, too.  Don't care what they say, but only what they do.  Do they do what you say they're going to do?  If they do, then the two of you should get along just fine.  If they don't, then don't not waste time with them.  Just push on like Flintstone.  Because these folks are cheating out here in these streets.

I Miss #Dating

I remember when dating was an audition for something greater.  It was two people coming together to see if they could co-exist in a relationship.  You asked questions to get to know the other person in order to find out if you two could get along long-term.  You participated in activities together to enjoy each other's company.  It was a patient process that promoted good decision-making.

That was the 90's and before.

If you ask 10 people to define "dating" today, then don't be surprised if you get at least six different answers.  It just doesn't mean the same thing that it did almost 20 years ago.  It's not really looked at as an audition for something greater any more.  Now it's just something to do.  I've communicated/dated with women for months who didn't learn jack about me.  It's like they didn't even know what important questions to ask me.  They either never bothered to find out where I went to high school.  They didn't learn the sizes of my clothes.  They never even saw my music library.  They don't even know what has shaped me to be the person I am today.

There's really no learning process in dating now.  It's just small talk, sex, and no plans after that.  If a woman happens to get pregnant, then maybe at that point, the two will try to be a couple.  If either of them gets bored, then someone dumps the other.  But, getting married is no longer first on the priority list.  Dating is just something to do until the next interesting person comes along.

Think about how many single people you know.  They're not all single because they can't find anyone who is right for them.  Most are single because they don't know what to do with someone who is right for them.  It's like dogs that chase cars.  If the car stops, the dog looks confused on what to do because catching the car was never in the plan.

People love the chase, but don't want to make a catch.  Because actually catching something requires that you to do something to keep it.  And most people don't know how to keep someone or they lack the confidence to learn how.

We All Want Something for Nothing

You want sex, but you don't deserve it.  You want to be wined and dined, but you haven't earned it.

A work ethic in relationships are starting to become a thing of the past.  Society has turned into a bunch of "a'ights" and very few "exceptionals."  So many people simply do the minimum required to maintain a relationship instead of committing 100% and allow the relationship to thrive.

For example, let's talk a bit about guys...

A guy may approach a woman simply because he has sex on the brain.  He will take the shortest path to sex more times than not.  If a woman requires little, then he will do just enough to satisfy her requirements so that he can satisfy himself.

His peers will promote his behavior, too.  After all, in 2016, how many fathers are teaching their sons anything about respecting women and relationships?  It's all about "how many can you hit?"  It's a sad cycle that will continue because very few have an interest in doing the right thing.  That's no longer required of a man in 2016.  Just be charming and the opportunities will present themselves.

As for the ladies...

Some are quick for wanting to be treated like queens despite the fact that they lack the qualities to be one.  They curse like sailors in public.  They treat their sons like spouses thus causing them to be dependent on their moms and useless to their future girlfriends.  They teach their daughters how to put on makeup, but ignore educating them about how to command respect.

Some just want to be seen.  They're interested in what impresses other women.  So they only entertain guys that come with a stamp of approval from their girls.  If he drives a nice car, has a certain look, or maybe a certain status, then he's a keeper.  That is until he cheats with the next one who is impressed by shiny objects.

Conclusion

It wasn't always like this, but this is the world that we live in now.  Prior to 2000, the most popular agenda people had when dating was marriage.  Now it can be anything from free trips to late night encounters.  TV, radio, and social media promotes superficial things 24/7.  It was bound to affect our brains at some point, right?  Why settle on someone who just wants to make you happy when you can have some happiness and excitement somewhere else (if you don't mind a few tears/headaches here and there.).

There are a lot of "single" men and women walking around.  They'll tell you that they're single by choice.  Don't believe them.  They just don't need anything right now.

Never See A Marvel Movie with a Non-Fan

(written 5.8.16)

Okay, so I've been waiting to see Captain America 3 since it was announced a couple of years ago.  I'm a single guy, so I found myself in a situation in having to find someone to watch the movie with me.  After all, I've never been one to do movies solo.  So, I decided to call a few people to see if they were available.

I called and asked one lady if she was interested and she told me "no."  She wasn't into comic book movies.  I appreciated her honesty.  I don't know if she's ever given the Marvel movies a try or not, but I guess she knows her limits.

I texted another young lady and she was busy attending a Beyonce concert in Houston and wasn't able to go.  Beyonce is a ticket just as hot as Captain America around these parts.

So, the 3rd time's the charm, right?  Yeah. that's what I hoped.  Worst. Movie. Experience. Ever.

Never see a Marvel movie with a non-fan.  Just don't do it.  I asked her if she'd ever seen any of the other Captain America movies and she said "no."  I should have hit the eject button at that point.  When people don't understand the backstory to characters and the concept of super powers, then it can get very annoying in the theater.

"How can the red head survive these fights without super powers?"

"Does Captain America's shield give him powers?"

"Why is Spider-Man a boy?  Wasn't he grown in the last movie?"

"Jeremy Renner doesn't do anything except shoot arrows?"

Well, that one is a legitimate question.

Anyhoo, the questions became so much for me to handle that I simply asked her to take mental notes and I'd answer the questions after the movie.  That was also a waste of time.

Needless to say, she thought that it was the worst movie she'd ever seen.  I thought that it was an awesome movie.

Memo to self: when you see X-Men this weekend, take someone who has seen and enjoys Marvel movies.

Men's Guide to Preparing to Date

As a guy in my 40's, I won't claim to understand women.  "Women are to be loved, not understood" is what someone once said.  However, I've picked up on some things in my time on this planet to at least get a gist of what mature-minded women want.  And that's a man who does not "feel around in the dark" for lack of a better phrase.  Know where you're going and how to get there at all times, fellas.

So, I want to help the guys out there, who think they're ready for a relationship, get a to-do list together.

The first thing that you must do is be worthy of dating!

How often do dudes who are in the middle of some drama-filled ordeal, or unemployed and broke, or just not in the right place mentality, try to holla at a lady?  It doesn't make any sense.  It's like packing for a trip overseas without buying a plane ticket.  How are you getting there?

Make sure your house is in order before knocking on someone else's door, fellas.  You only have one mother, so make sure your life is at a place that doesn't require you to look for another one.  Be able to take care of yourself and a family before engaging a woman in something serious.

If she's over 30 years old, call more than you text.

I don't understand the entire "textationship" that some people enjoy.  Maybe because I value a line of communication that actually conveys emotion and inflection.  I'm not frowning on texting, but there's a time and place for it, if you ask me.  You can text later in the relationship as the two of you grow.  But I'd avoid overdoing it to start things off.

Let a woman hear your voice and see your face.  Allow her to learn your facial expressions and body language first and that will allow your messages to have personality.  It's easy to get the wrong impression of someone if you try to learn them via text.  You'll feel as if you know one another because of the volume of messages, but you'll find out that you really don't know each other at all.

Take charge and plan the date.

More times than not, ladies will allow a guy to take the reins and determine where the first date will be.  I am so surprised at how many guys I've met who do not know how to effectively plan a date with a woman.

• If you want to see her on Friday, then let her know on Monday.  Allow her time to make whatever arrangements she may deem necessary from pampering herself or making child care decisions.  It will also make it easier on you if you catch her before she makes plans to do something else.
• Know where you want to take her.  Let her know where you want to go so she can dress accordingly.  If she doesn't like the place, then she can always tell you.  And be mindful of anything that may negatively affect your dating plans.  If it's a holiday weekend and/or a really popular place, then make reservations.  If it's outdoors, then be mindful of the weather forecast.  Think things through.  Don't take her to a loud concert or a movie if you are still getting to know each other.  Take her somewhere you two can have a conversation without a lot of noise.
• Dress the part.  Make sure she's clear on where she's going so she can dress accordingly.  Do the same.  Don't show up at a 5-star restaurant dressed like you're going to a basketball game.  You'll have plenty of time to be casual around her, if all goes well.  In the meantime, show her that swag.
• Be on time.  I don't think that I even have to get an explanation for that one.
• Open doors, including car doors.  When you're on a date, then be a chauffeur.  Chivalry isn't a luxury.  It should be a way of life.
• Pay for the meal.  For the new age guys who want to feel things out before committing financially, meet her for coffee first.  But once you decide upon a dinner date, then treat her.  A woman usually spends money on a new outfit, hair, nails, etc., to look good for a date.  Don't compound her spending with making her pay for her own meal, too.
• Have a secondary location.  After dinner, the night may still be young.  Have another place in mind where the evening can continue in case you need it.  A nice spot overlooking a body of water, a quiet bar for after-dinner drinks, or something of that sort.

Hopefully, this will help some of you guys looking for something long-term with a special someone.  You have to have a plan for everything you take seriously.