Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Billboard Awards: Play-By-Play

I hate award shows. I truly do. The people I always think deserve to win never win. It's some sort of popularity contest or who creates the biggest story more so than who's actually the most talented (in my opinion).

Having said all of that, I felt the need to watch The Billboard Awards tonight. Why?

A) There's no football to occupy my Sunday Night
B) Everyone else and their grandmother will be watching and tweeting, so I may as well join the fun, right?
C) I pray that Kanye West gets on stage and says, "Willow Smith's video was better than Justin Beiber's" or something.

So, check in from time-to-time this evening to see updates on what I'm seeing.

7:01 PM CDT - Oh, great! Rihanna kicks things off with a family-friendly S&M song. Nice! What is this? Is this a Britney Spears sighting? So, a has-been is now on stage with a modern star and they're doing dances on a stripper pole with chains. Gotta love Rated: G TV! Way to kick things off ABC!

Strippers R Us commercial

7:06 PM - I'm not sure Ken Jeong simulating masturbating on stage with Nicki Minaj is much better. Dag, Justin Beiber is wearing Hugh Hefner's jacket. He will be upset.

7:10 PM - The best the Billboard Award could do are fold-up chairs? LOL! As much money as this production cost, you did't spring for more comfortable chairs? I see right now that my patience with this show. Taylor Swift won an award. I've never really listen to her, so I'm not sure if she can really sing or not.

7:12 PM - I wonder if Green Lantern will be a good movie? I always thought he would be one of the toughest super heroes to make cool.

How cool is a man with a lantern on his chest?

7:19 PM - Okay, the second award they're giving out, albeit so much faster than the Grammys, look like the same nominees for the first award. Justin Beiber finally wins an award. Esperanza can now come out of the shelter she's been staying. You're safe, sweetie. Justin got an award so his fans won't act a donkey on you any more. Your Wikipedia page is safe.

7:21 PM - Kylie Minogue! I haven't seen her in almost half a decade. I guess she's trying to get more face time for her newest album, "Aphrodite." She's introducing the Black Eyed Peas who appear to have left over neon suits from the Super Bowl. They are seriously auto-tuning tonight. I was hoping to hear someone's real voice tonight. Well, not Rihanna's, but aside from that, I wanted to actually hear someone sing. Then again, Fergie doesn't sound great tonight. I have to admit, after enjoying the Super Bowl Halftime Show, I'm starting to think that the BEP's have worn out their welcome. I'm totally wanting them off the stage now.

Another neon suit, Fergie?

7:44 PM - A Mr. Worldwide sighting! Now I can hear some real music. I'm down with Pitbull's music. That dude can flat-out get a party started with that South Beach jam. I think NeYo is a pretty good performer as well. I had no idea that they did a song together. I can't say that I care for it a whole lot, but it's not horrible. The lady singing backup is pretty bad though. Who decides who sings what on these shows?

7:50 PM - Lady Antebellum is still winning awards off of that "Need You Now Song." Talk about getting good mileage! Isn't that song basically a country star's version of a booty call?

7:59 PM -Beyonce is trying to restore her image or something with having the First Lady speak? I have to admit, the choreography of this performance has to be one of the best I've seen since Jacko was alive. The way they intertwined her live performance with the green screen in the background was absolutely amazing! And I don't give props easily. Kanye had a right to run our and claim this as the best performance this time.

Best live performance ever?  Could be!

8:12 PM - Selena Gomez needs to eat. She looks like a mop with a perm. Who's the short member of the BEP's? He looks like hamster with a mohawk. I didn't even know that he could speak.

8:17 PM- Here we go! A Cee-Lo performance. I have to admit that I'm upset that he's not in his NBC logo outfit. Did this dude just levitate his piano in the air and flip it? Okay, I'm seeing some pretty spectacular stuff on this awards show. I know I don't watch too many, but seeing a guy turn a flip while sitting on his piano chair is nuts. He had to be a good 10 feet off of the stage, too.

This dude flipped upside down in his piano chair while singing.  Nuts.

8:39 PM - Snoop Dogg has his own microphone to announce nominees. LOL! That dude is something else. And this Far East Movement group has one slamming song, but I'm unaware if they're actually any good or not. How did Ke$ha get nominated for anything other than garbage? That just shows that the world just could have ended on yesterday. Uh, oh! Did Justin Beiber just kiss Selena Gomez? Guard your Wikipedia page, sweetie! The haters are coming! I can't believe Beiber is 17 and his voice still sounds like an eight year old.

8:46 PM - Another Harry Potter movie? Really? Hasn't J.K. Rowling made enough money or is she related to George Lucas?

8:47 PM - I have to admit that Ken Jeong is very unfunny right now. His acts seem forced. He seems more of comedy relief and is contributing nothing as a host. Hopefully, he gets better.

8:53 PM -Now the Far East Movement is performing and whoever this guy is singing with them is absolutely horrible! Ryan something. The Mrs. just asked me from the next room who was wailing in here. Not even Snoop performing with these guys can help them out. This song is flat-out unbearable to listen to at this time. This group is like an Asian version of Devo or something, but without the talent. Snoop actually looks his age tonight, too. Maybe it's time to slow down on the weed puffing, bro. You're almost 40, you know? How he got mixed in with this group is beyond me.

9:02 PM - Did Keri Hilson call Mary J. Blige the "Queen of R&B?" I don't know if I'll go that far despite the fact she's been around for almost two decades. I'd give that title to Mariah Carey before her although that may piss some people off since Mariah is classified as "white" to most black people. Skip that. You don't have to be "black" to be considered R&B. Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey are just as soulful if not more than MJB.

9:08 PM - A Ke$ha performance is coming up next? This I have to see.

9:13 PM - Okay, Ke$ha is performing now and my ears aren't bleeding yet. I just need to come to the realization that I'm way past the age where I think any music that came out after 1995 sucks. This is not singing. I have no idea what this banshee is talking about, but watching this performance seems like a substitute for doing acid. I wish I had Andy Dick's phone number to ask his opinion on that.

Only an acid trip will leave you dancing with horsemen.

9:29 PM - Rihanna just won an award and she hugged everyone in the audience. I just asked on Twitter if these artists even care when they win these things, but I guess she does.

9:35 PM - Do you hear that sound? It's the sound of me tapping out. I can't take any more of this. Ken Jeong is non-existent and non-funny. Wait, did Verizon have a commercial with an Asian customer being served by an Asian customer service rep? And why did I notice? Because you rarely see Asian representation on American TV? Hmmmmmmm....

I'm out. The next sound you hear will be me flipping over to the NBA Playoffs to peep the Heat/Bulls. Besides, I have a standing appointment on Sundays @ 10 PM for those who know me. :)

Click here to see The Grammys: Play-By-Play


  1. Wait, the Billboard Music Awards are tonight? lol. I never keep up with that stuff. Okay, just kidding. I tend to like the Oscars because we always have friends over and I get to get really creative with menu planning. And we bet on who will win. And drink a lot of wine/beer.

  2. Zany, that sounds like a party that I can get with regularly. Alcohol, betting, and TV generally go well together, right?

  3. I haven't watched an awards show in about 5 years. Part of me wants to keep it this way, but at the same time, I think it'd be fun with the right group of smartasses with me.

    Maybe it has to be a group function? Is that what I'm doing wrong? Or is it the lack of alcohol? Both?

  4. After reading your post I am so glad that I skipped that craptastic awards show.

    The Ranter’s Box

  5. Aside from those two eye-opening performances by Bey and Cee, the rest was blah. I couldn't even finish it.

  6. LOL nice post Q! Love the Bieber death threat implications.

    And Mariah Carey is mixed - her mom's white but her dad is black.

  7. (Bugs me that race comes into a music discussion btw!! Why is Mariah any less black than any other mixed person - cough cough Obama comes to mind - I guess it's just bc she looks white?)

  8. OH also - when I was in college, I took a TV and American Culture class and I learned that you're more likely to see an extra terrestrial on TV than an Asian person! Isn't that nuts?

    (PS I know I set a record for most comments on this post but I just kept thinking of new stuff to say LOL)

  9. It may be a record, but it's most appreciated, Erin! You're right, music should be color blind. The genres pretty much merged in the 80's, but people still separate music by race. Mariah is as much R&B as any full-blooded black person. The fact that she doesn't have predominantly black features is held against her and it's wrong (and dumb).

    As for Asians, you're probably right. As many Asians as there are in America, they don't seem to have much of a representation when it comes to anything. Why is it so difficult for everyone to be included in "The Melting Pot?" Sandra Oh can only play so many roles on TV. :)


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