Time Bandits

One thing that I hate to do is waste my time.  Time is the one thing they can't make more of in this world.  You only have what's allotted for you and to waste it on something not beneficial is somewhat tragic.

I've done many posts on the shortcomings of men, but this one is focused on the women.  If I had a dollar for every minute of time women have wasted of my life then I'd be typing this blog post on a gold keyboard with a diamond-encrusted mouse.

Some women are like bass pros: they'll get you on the hook, keep you on the line until they tire you out, pull you out of your comfort zone, show all of their friends what they caught, and then release you leaving you emotionally and physically drained (and sometimes financially).

It's made me change my entire approach to dating.  As much as I've always pushed for men to be chivalrous, my thoughts have changed tremendously about it.  It's not that I no longer believe in it.  It's just the evolution of today's society has encouraged me to take a different approach towards dating.  It may not apply to all, but to older guys still trying to find their way, it may help.

Here is some advice that I will give to the fellas over 30 years old:

If she's broke, then do no entertain her long-term.

It's one thing to fall on hard times, but it's another to constantly make bad decisions.  There are way too many women out there with new clothes and designer purses who constantly have a gas needle on "E".  You don't need someone who is going to bring you down.  Find your equal or better.  These women may be a good time short-term, but long-term will more than likely take you down through there.  Don't invest your time until you can determine if she's just always "living in the moment" or really "trying to get herself together".

Don't go overboard on a first date.

I met my current lady at a bar for drinks on our first date.  Nothing fancy.  We each had a drink and chatted over the course of an hour.  Cost me $14.  The purpose of the date was to get to know each other.  It wasn't for me to peacock it up and try to impress her.  It doesn't make any sense to spend a grip on someone you don't even know likes you yet.  There are some women who will "free meal" you.  They'll smile, laugh at your jokes, eat and drink good, and then fade into the sunset.  It's okay to invite her to coffee or cocktails on the first date.  If she objects and thinks that she deserves something bigger, then let some other dude do it.  Save your money for someone who genuinely wants to enjoy your company and not what you can do for them.  If she likes you, then she'll want to be around you no matter where you go.  Don't go overboard unless you've already established that she's truly interested in being with you. 

Be firm.

This is the good guy's Achilles heel.  Stand your ground.  If something doesn't feel right then speak up!  Bail out if you need to do so.  Don't waste your time putting up with someone who makes you unhappy.  It's so easy to feel as if you shouldn't let someone go because you've invested your time in them.  That evil nine-letter word "potential" will make you continue to remain involved with someone who is not good for you.  Try not to get caught up.  If you got that woman, then know that you can get another one who is maybe on the same page as you.  Or will at least attempt to be.  Never be afraid to walk out if your needs aren't met.

These are things that I've learned over the years.  They may sound simple, but we all need to get back to basics when it comes to dating.  The game has changed and not all women are looking for relationships out here.  Some are just looking for something to do.  Know the difference and approach accordingly.  It may save you some time.

Explode or Implode: The Building is Still Coming Down #Stress

I visited New Orleans over an extended Memorial Day weekend and took so much from my four day stay.  Despite my 20 or 30-something visits to The Big Easy, for the first time I got to interact with the locals and see a side I've never seen before.  I had plenty of cajun/creole cooking, took a steamboat ride down the Mississippi River, enjoyed a Second Line band, and more.

However, one thing really stood out to me on my trip was a visit to a church on that Sunday morning.  The pastor's sermon fell in line with one of my recent blog posts called "The Burden of the Stress Catcher".  It was as if he was speaking directly to me.  Needless to say, I was very attentive and could identify with almost every point he was making.

He talked about how people who are relied upon the most are usually the last to receive help themselves.  I thought about how often I come to the aid of people for so many things.  Most of them are small contributions, but they're contributions all the same.  I do it for the "thank you's" because I really don't expect much else from people other than that.

Although those who know me well would probably jokingly disagree, I am human.  I have feelings.  I deal with problems and turmoil in life.  But I rarely feel like I'm able to express those feelings to anyone.  Most people in my life are so used to me being "the strong one" that they rarely notice (or care) that something is bothering me.  And even if they get an inclination that something is wrong, they may ask "what's wrong?", but if I say "nothing" because I'm uncomfortable discussing it at that time then the conversation pretty much ends there.

One thing that I do better than anyone that I know is read people.  I know what makes people tick and I use that to determine their moods.  Being able to see that someone is in need of something coupled with my willingness to help people almost compels me to step in and try to make things better when things are bad.  I always want to help fix the problem.  The downside is that I know that person won't be there for me in the same capacity or will let me down in an attempt to do so.  Yet I still put forth the effort to brighten their day.

7 days a week I've done this since as long as I can remember.  In work life or home life I'm making someone smile.  I'll see that someone appears to be down and I may compliment them to cheer them up.  I'll notice someone with a confused look and I'll ask questions to see if I can help.  You can't help everyone, but it's comforting to them to know that someone at least thought enough of them to try.

Someone once told me that is the reason I have no known enemies.  Because I've probably helped them, too, in some shape, form, or fashion.  Yet to express how I feel, blogging is the safest venue for me to vent.  It prevents me from potentially offending anyone, or having to listen to unsolicited advice, or avoid having someone try and one-up my problems with one of their own.  The latter I encounter regularly because I'm supposed to be "the strong one," right?  My problems don't matter.  Some people seem to think that I can deal with my problems on my own so they gloss over mine and present me theirs.

Despite all of my rantings, I'm not without loved ones.  There are people in my life who care for me and want to see me happy.  It's unfair of me to expect them to read my moods as easily as I read theirs.  You have to really be in tune with people to realize that something is off and my personality is  difficult to figure out.

I maintain a positive attitude because that is what keeps me going.  I can be extremely sad or mad and not always show it because I don't like for either of those emotions to dominate my life for long periods of time.  To not be that way is to rely on society to bail me out of my bad feelings and I can't take a chance on them accepting that challenge.  Even when I'm "not feeling myself" people would assume that I'm simply just tired before they would assume that I'm stressed.  And even if I did open up to someone, would they be unbiased or would they be judgmental?  I usually encounter one if not both when presenting problems to people.  That's why it's easier to keep certain things to myself and figure it out on my own.

But, the one thing the pastor said on Sunday that really resonated with me was this: "Regardless if it explodes or implodes, the building is still coming down.  Let it out."  He was referring to keeping stress pinned up inside of ourselves.  Either you can explode in anger or allow it to slowly kill you inside, but either way your temple will be destroyed.

I've got to work on preserving my temple.  Just a few weeks ago I posted about how I've embraced being people's"stress catcher" over the years and now I'm realizing that someone needs to catch mine now and then!

I've got to stop allowing my happiness to be dictated by other people's happiness.  I have to find more people I trust enough to ask for help when I need someone to listen to me.  I've got to stop getting the short end of the stick and focus on myself before "my building" starts to crumble.  Because although I'm looking out for others, others aren't always looking out for me.

The Burden of the Stress Catcher

What is a "stress catcher"? One who is the designated listener to everyone's problems. Yep. That's me. I remember being in 3rd grade and sitting in the school cafeteria. A classmate of mine was sitting across from me and she looked distraught. She had big blue eyes and frizzy blonde hair. We never really talked that much, but she was one of the more popular girls in school. I made the mistake of asking her a two word question: "What's wrong?"

Five minutes later I was privy to her "boyfriend problem." Of course, 9 year olds had different "boyfriend problems" back in the 70's than the 9 year olds do today. She was upset that he didn't carry her books like some of the other boys did for their girlfriends. None of this resulted in me offering any advice or anything. All I did was listen and empathize and my unofficial stress catching career was a go. 30+ years later I'm doing the same thing.

I'm the go-to-guy when people have problems. From ages 13 to 53, I've heard so many stories just within the past year alone. 75% of the time they want my opinion.  I try to be open, honest, and unbiased.  I rarely sugar-coat anything because the direct truth is sometimes needed.  The other 25% of the time I just sit, listen, and console if applicable.

The downside to all of that is that people will always view me as their "rock" or "problem solver." Because of that they will never ask me "what's wrong?" when I'm going through something.  So I've learned that when something is going on in my life that I need to speak up.  I volunteer information because I rarely get asked the question, "what's wrong?"  And who can blame people for not asking?  I'm always the one who's smiling.  I guess they think, "How could he ever possibly have a bad day?"

But, that's the burden of a "stress catcher."  Although it can be difficult at times, I'm good with it. Everyone has a purpose in life and I know that one of my purposes is to be a "stress catcher." To help people carry the load so that they can acquire just a little more happiness in their life.

There will always be a sign outside of my door that states, "The Dr. is in."

Who Will Tell Their Stories?

One of my father's childhood friends stopped by his house recently while I was visiting. Listening to them talk about growing up together was so entertaining! I sat back and listened to each story that they told.  Knowing what life was like for my father as a child is fascinating to me.  He's told me so many stories of how he and his brothers grew up in 40's and 50's in Mississippi.  I value each and every story I get from family as a timeless treasure.

The photo attached is one of my mom and her siblings.  I know a story about every person in it.  My uncle in the black shirt once told me a funny story about jumping off a moving truck in an attempt to impress girls as a youth.  My aunt next to him told me a story of how her husband forgot to play her usual numbers for the Minnesota lottery the one day her numbers were actually selected.  The lady in the middle is my mom, so of course I know everything about her.  My uncle in the suspenders shared with me how his dad (my granddad) broke him from smoking cigarettes.  My aunt in the red shirt shared about how she once had to discipline my mom for being bad.

So many entertaining stories that takes you back in time as you listen to them.  However, it sometimes makes me feel pretty bad about not having a son or daughter to share these stories with about my family. My cousins have kids, so they may attempt to share some things.  Although I have god kids and my lady has kids, they probably wouldn't understand the dynamic of my family. Especially on my father's side.  If you didn't grow up around my family like my cousins and I did, then it would be hard to understand some of the inside jokes that come from the stories that they tell.  It's almost like walking in on the middle of a movie.  You may figure some things out, but you'll never have foundation that all good stories must have.

But, me not being able to pass things down is not the real tragedy.  The real tragedy is that I don't think kids have an interest in hearing those type of stories. If it's not about "Twilight," a reality show, an Xbox game or something like that, then kids tend to tune grown people out after three minutes or so.

So, where will these stories go? Will they die with me?  

Unfortunately, I think that they will.  Talking to elders is a thing of the past.  Previous generations and how they live aren't important in our society now.  They probably haven't been in more than a decade.  At least not any more.  I'm not the only one who recognizes that fact either.

The cable network called AMC (once called American Movie Classics) changed their name because they wanted to get away from the classic and appeal to younger generations.  It's why they now have programming like "The Walking Dead" and "Breaking Bad."  They know that very few want to watch old black and white movies today.  Do you know anyone under 40 years of age who can watch a black and white TV show/movie?

The United States is probably one of the only countries that doesn't hold its elders in high regard.  In Asian countries, older people are revered for their experience and wisdom.  To sit with someone who has truly experienced life is an honor to most of them and other countries.  Here in the States, it's considered a waste of time for some.  Kids don't want to hear how things used to be.  They don't care what life was like before cell phones and remote controls.  It doesn't affect their lives so it has no place.

That's so sad to me.  Storytelling is a lost art.  I used to enjoy sitting on the porch and talking to my grandmother about her days as a little girl.  I heard about how she had to work from the crack of dawn to sundown as a pre-teen.  I remember hearing that she didn't have her first TV until she was in her 30's.  She's told me about how racism was rampant in Mississippi.  In fact, she just recently told me about how she cooked breakfast at her sister's house for two of the three civil rights workers not too long before they were later murdered in Philadephia, MS.

Hearing how she lived gives me perspective on how I live.  Perspective is something we severely lack in society.  We can't put ourselves in someone else's shoes because we don't have to do so.  My generation doesn't appear interested in sharing things with its kids.  In fact, my generation invented things to keep kids occupied so that we wouldn't have to talk to them.  Why else would someone think of putting a DVD player in a vehicle?

How can a kid understand the privilege of having a car when he/she doesn't even know that his/her grandma had to walk to school?

How can a kid appreciate having over 200 television stations when he/she doesn't know that granddad only had four while growing up?

How can a kid value the time family spends together when everything promotes individualism (iPod/earbuds, cell phone, tablets).

As much as it pains me to say it, "cherishing our elders are a thing of the past."  I honestly think that my generation (70's babies) is the last one where a majority of us truly appreciate the stories we were told by those a generation above us.

It's a shame, too.  Now that I'm 42 years old, I have lived life long enough to have stories to tell.  Some funny and some serious.  But, "who wants to hear them" is what I ponder.  The only people who will probably know about my stories are the ones who follow my blog.  The rest just don't seem to care.

Am I wrong when I say that our elders are no longer relevant to a majority of young people?

Think Like A Woman

"Think Like A Man, Too" arrives in 2014.

I saw this movie on Blu Ray a few months ago and it was pretty entertaining.  The story wasn't bad and it had a lot of funny parts.  The ton of product placement in the movie got old, but that's just the world we live in these days.

However, what I didn't like about the movie is the message that it sent: the movie, like the book, basically insinuates that if a woman thinks like a man, then she can find a good one.  Well, I think that's the farthest thing from the truth if I ever heard it.

Don't get me wrong.  There is something to be learned from the movie.  Most of it are things that the average adult should know already, however, sometimes we all need to get back to the basics on things.  Dr. Phil wouldn't have a job if it weren't for people needing the basics from time-to-time.  But, when it comes to what a man wants...

A man wants a woman who thinks like a woman.

I mean, surely that makes sense right?  If a man wanted a woman who thought like a man, then he would probably date a man.  A woman who is plotting and scheming her every move based on how I would think probably shouldn't be with me in the first place.  After all, if you have to keep a step ahead of the man you're dating to prevent him from getting over on you, then he's not a good guy in the first place.

Dating can be pretty hard.  Finding two people on the same page isn't easy and I get that.  Men have so much leverage these days because there are plenty of women willing to make things easy for us.  That makes it harder for the respectable women to date and that's a shame.  The respectable woman has to either wait on a man to decide that he's not about the games any more or work twice as hard to get his attention.

I know that it sounds like I'm hating on the movie, but I'm not.  The movie isn't bad.  However, it's just that: a movie.  It's entertainment.  Yet, I've seen so many women, especially on social networks, treat it as if it's a documentary.  All of them are pretty much still single, too.

Do you feel like "thinking like a man" can help you land a good one (or change a bad one)?

How to Use Men

Him thinking: "How can I sleep with her?" Her thinking: "He's such a dear friend."
(Source)

Okay, maybe the title "How to Use Men" is a bit misleading.  I'm not referring to using them for money, sex or anything like that.  I'm talking about ladies using men as a resource to understanding other men.

I have a lot of female associates. Luckily, The Mrs. understands this and isn't the jealous type, but I've always attracted women. Not because I'm a Denzel or anything because I'm far from a 10. It's because of the educational value that I offer that benefits my female homies. They're able to use me to help them with their personal relationships with potential suitors. How so? I'll explain.

I've always been one to get caught in "The Friend Zone." Because I was not the aggressive type as a youth, I tended to fall into The Friend Zone rather than The Boyfriend Zone when it came to women. If you're too passive around some women, then they start to view you as a brother rather than a lover. It's an unfortunate thing that I had to deal with until my mid-20's when I started asking for what I wanted instead of waiting for it to be offered. But, that's another story for another day. One of the things women are able to appreciate me for is #1 on the list:

Honesty
I've been told that I'm brutally honest. Some will even argue more brutal than honest, but whatever. I don't care to sugar-coat anything. For what? Some things just need to be said. It's not to hurt anyone's feelings or anything, but it can be just as hurtful to make something that is bad sound not so bad.

How to let things go
Men don't normally hold grudges like women. Well, these Millenials might since they tend to be more emotional than the generations before them. But, most men tend to stick to archaic ways of resolving problems. When I have an argument with another dude, it may get heated, but it normally ends with us talking sports 20 minutes later. It's no big deal to us.  Women, on the other hand, tend to take something simple and turn it into "The Grudge."  I think that my female friends learn to let things go by following my example.  I don't have time to spend being mad at someone.  If someone can upset you for more than 20 minutes, then they're controlling you.

Solution-oriented
If a woman comes to me with a relationship issue, then I normally ask the following question: "am I a shoulder to cry on or do you want feedback?"

If it's the latter, then that's exactly what she'll get.  In other words, once she lays out what happened between her and her significant other, then I will let her know (in my opinion) where things went wrong.  That includes if she is part of the problem.  A lot of women I know tend to be cheerleaders when it comes to their female friends' problems.

"Girl, he was wrong to do that to you."

"Girl, I'd leave him if I were you."

"Girl, all men are dogs."

Side note, ladies: You male friend WILL sleep with you if you slip.  LOL!
(Source)

Nope, not here.  I'm not a rah-rah type of guy.  If you did something wrong, then I will tell you about yourself.  A friend isn't supposed to be on your side all of the time.  Sometimes it takes a good friend to let you know when you are wrong. If he did something vile to you, then I'll tell you to leave him. Not, "it will get better" or "give it a chance." If it's a vile act, then "push on like Flintstone" and find someone else. I can't understand unmarried people who waste time in a relationship only to be in the same spot a year later.

So, to the ladies out there, there are some guys who are more than willing to help you have a better relationship.  Men are not as complicated as you all make us out to be.  In fact, we're quite the opposite.  It's good to have someone in your corner to remind you of that when you start over-thinking things.  "Paralysis by analysis" is the best way to put it.

I want to be the guy to help you ladies out.  I will offer you the best advice that a man can give.  For the low, low price of just $19.95...

Ladies, do you have that one go-to male friend for advice? Fellas, have you ever played the big brother role for a female friend?