Blow Bill. Book Deal.

"Hey, Hillary!  Hey, girl!"

She's baaaaacccckkk! After 14 years, Monica Lewinsky, everyone's favorite White House intern has returned! Well, by "everyone," I mean men.

She's reportedly received a $12 million deal to tell how she and President Bill Clinton "got it on" under the nose of Hillary Clinton in the White House. 

According to the Huffington Post, a friend of Monica's said, "She has been through enough already and all this happened 14 years ago. She has put it behind her and moved on with her life."

O_o 

Choke yourself, fool. If she was past it, then she wouldn't be releasing a book on how she she gave oral in the Oval.  I can't stand when someone makes such an idiotic statement in an attempt to protect someone who doesn't deserve it.

Yes, I said that she doesn't deserve it.  Although I never thought that Monica Lewinsky was attempting to gain fame back in 1998, she was still a bad person for what she did.  Sure, she was only 21 years old when she was "taken advantage of," but even 16 year olds understand the concept of being a "side piece."  She knew exactly what and who she was doing when she did Bill.  Back then, I honestly thought that her intention was to steal Bill from Hillary.  So, because of that, I never thought she was anything other than a jaded lover.  However, the money she's made from spreading the news on her and Bill with interviews and now a new book qualifies her as a whore.

Whore (noun): a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money.

The fact that Dictionary.com defines it as "a woman" may be a little sexist.  LOL!  But, I digress.  Now, before any of you fix your mouth to say, "But, Q, Bill cheated.  Why aren't you chastising him?"

Because Bill didn't use this story to elevate his social status in the world.  He was already the President of the U.S. and a well-documented cheat.  He didn't sleep with Monica to get paid, he slept with her to get his rocks off.  That doesn't make him a good guy, but it doesn't make him a hooker either.

Monica flipped this into interviews, books and even had a TV show shortly after the scandal went public.  Only in America can you be a mistress, gold digger or low-budget porn star and get treated like a hero or role model.

Monica was the blueprint for many famous people that we see on TV now.  Kim Kardashian, Amy Fisher and quite a few others went from scandal to household name.  She took what most people, from before my generation, would have been ashamed to admit and turned it into fame and fortune.  Do you remember way back in the day when people used to cheat and actually tried to hide it?  Yeah, those were the good ol' days, huh?  Now, not only will someone steal your significant other from you, they will email the photos/videos of it to you as well.  There's no self-respect now.

Monica will make plenty of money once she releases her book.  I do think that people are still nosy enough to want to know about how Bill and her "got down."  They'll want to hear if he said anything negative about Hillary.  They'll want to hear how Monica, keeping that nasty, stained dress, was simply keeping a memento of the man that she loved and that it wasn't "insurance."  Miss Lewinsky just wants you to understand where her state of mind was back in the late '90's.  She wants to convince the public that she didn't go into the relationship thinking "blow Bill, book deal."  She's not interested at all in being a household name at all, right?

When it's all said and done, remember that you can't spell "household" name without the "ho."

"Like this, right, Monica?"

Tacky Tiki Returns

Tiki Barber is returning to the NFL after what has been almost four years since he retired. At 35 years old, the former New York Giants running back has decided to give it another try.

Is it his passion to play the game he loves so much that's bringing him back?

Nope.

Is it the camaraderie of his team mates that he misses so badly?

Nope.

Then why would a 35 year old man consider coming back to play running back in the game of football?

He's broke.


Yep. The former starting NFL RB and NBC correspondent is broker than a stopwatch in Professor Klump's back pocket. The man who earned over $28,000,000 in his NFL career and another $300,000 per year at NBC is now tapped out.

How could this be, you ask? Well, let me list the bad decisions that Tiki (what grown man is named this?) made that has him coming back to play:

He quit - Tiki was frustrated with his coach (Tom Coughlin) and his quarterback (Eli Manning). He didn't think the team was moving in the right direction and in the middle of the season, announced that he was retiring. It would later prove to be a huge distraction to the team. Most people speculate that he should have waited until the end of the year to announce retirement. When the season ended, Tiki left the team and his remaining two year contract totalling $8.5 million dollars.

He bad-mouthed his team - After leaving the NYG and getting a job at NBC reporting on football, Tiki let his former team have it. Mr. Microphone said Coughlin "stripped his desire to continue to play with his coaching style." He also insulted Manning stating he wasn't a leader and would never win anything. That very next year, the Giants and Manning pulled off one of the most stunning Super Bowl upset victories in almost 40 years. A championship for the people Tiki broke his neck to insult regularly on the air. And they did it without him. Guess who had to interview Eli after the Super Bowl? Poetic justice at its finest! Eli even took a shot at Tiki with the following quote: "We had the right guys playing that we could make it work."

Although Tiki held the mic and kept smiling, you could almost see the blood dripping from Tiki's lip as he bit it.

He cheated - Here's where the bank account starts to drain. Tiki already had two kids with his wife, Ginny of 11 years, and twins on the way as she was eight months pregnant. He decides to dump her a few weeks before child birth and leave her for a 23-year old intern at NBC named Traci Lynn Johnson (she was also the babysitter -- how convenient!). Traci was with him in Vancouver during the '08 Summer Olympics and was introduced to everyone as "his assistant." Yeah, right. Tiki fumbled away his marriage and was stopped, once again, short of the goal line when his ex-wife denied him entry into the delivery room for the birth of his twins. Ouch.

Ironically, back in 2004, Barber criticized his own father for leaving his mother. “Not only did he abandon her, I felt like he abandoned us for a lot of our lives,” Barber told the New York Post at the time. “I have a hard time forgiving that.”

Let's see what your kids have to say in 20 years about you, sir.


He sucked in front of a camera - The Tikster wasn't that great on the mic. NBC shifted him from the studio to sideline reporter in very little time. He also made a few appearances in '08 Olympic coverage, but he made a huge mistake that kind of sealed the deal on his already declining popularity: he tried to say “total medal count” and left out the "o" in "count."

Not good.

Tiki admitted he was broke in the summer of last year. With alimony payments and child support on four kids (get him, Ginny!), Barber's funds are leaving his bank account quicker than fans can leave the arena at a Jackson 4 reunion tour.

Hence his come back to the game. Barber hired 5WPR, a public relations firm, to help change the perception of his affair with Johnson and get his image back. They will probably have to drain whatever is left in his piggy bank to fix his image. Being on the biggest media stage in the city of New York and dissing their coach and QB won't be easily forgotten. Neither will leaving your ex-wife in the stirrups delivering your twins while you're "bumping uglies" with the young, hot, blond babysitter / "assistant."



If he is fortunate, then some team will pick him up and give him a veteran minimum salary of $800,000 or something. He may even get to play a year or two if he's lucky. The only downside for him is that his twins will still need about 15 more years of child support to be paid after those two years are up.



I wonder if UPS is hiring? Happy Job Hunting, "Tacky!" Pray that your mistress-turned-girlfriend doesn't dump you for a player with more money coming in than going out.