Guys Haven't Changed

From generation to generation, one constant thing in the U.S. is that a lot of guys will want to have sex with as many women as they can.  That has not changed over the decades.  What has changed is that the responsibility to care for any children made with these women has faded.  

We've all heard stories back in the day about "Mr. Earl" having an entire family on the other side of town that "no one knew about".  Mr. Earl would bring his "other kids" to his house and his wife would feed them, no questions asked.  In a lot of cases (not all), he would do what he could to take care of both households.  

Fast-forward to today and "Mr. Devante" does the same thing Mr. Earl did decades ago except he doesn't stop with just one household.  He'll have babies in multiple households.  And in a lot of cases (not all) he will not do much to take care of those kids he's created with others.  

What happened?  Where did the disconnect start?  How did the responsibility fade over the generations?

If you know me, I place a lot of the today's societal woes at the feet of 70's babies (for the record, I was born in 1971).  70s babies spend more time these days trying to defy growing older instead of using that time to train up the young ones.  We want to compete with them.  Not teach them.

But it's not all on us.  So much has contributed to the erosion of responsibility in the U.S.  Especially in the black and brown communities.  We blame women.  We blame men.  We blame the white man.  

Regardless of who gets the blame, nothing seems to ever change for the better, so my only suggestion is simply for people to change themselves.

- If you're a guy who doesn't want a bunch of baby mamas and child support orders then wear a condom or don't have sex at all.

- If you're a woman who doesn't want the responsibility of raising a child on your own then use some form of birth control or don't have sex at all.

Mr. Earl lived during a time when one salary could pay a lot of bills.  Not in Mr. Devante's world though.  One salary can barely even take care of a single-person household.  You'd think that would be more of a deterrent from spreading one's seed, but nope.

The person who doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent should be the one who uses the birth control.  It only takes one person to do it to prevent a baby.

There are too many examples of people in bad situations for us to allow this to continue to happen.  Share this blog post on your timeline and at least change the minds of people you care about.

Treat Mothers With The Respect They're Due

I have to admit that Mother's Day hasn't been quite the same for me since my mom passed away in 2012.

I'm blessed to still have my grandmother who is 97 years old and also I still get gifts from my late wife's mom. But, the day still seems incomplete without my mother.

My mom's name was Mary. She was 69 years old when she passed in June 2012 from cancer. She was diagnosed around 2009 and it slowly ate away at her.

My mom spent the last month of her life in the hospital. One of the toughest moments of my life was when I was feeding her one evening because she was unable to feed herself. I thought about how she fed me as a baby and now here it was I was doing the same for her. It took everything within me to not cry in front of her and I'll never forget that moment. The amount of appreciation for every she did for me in my life swelled up inside of me and almost exploded in a wave of emotions at that very instant.

But, I managed to keep it together. In that moment, all I could think about were the many instances that she made sacrifices for me. Helping me with homework. Taking me to practice when my dad had to work. Being a taxi for me and my friend, Shawn, or my cousin, Jerome, to go to the mall arcade to play video games. So many times, she put off what she wanted to do to make sure that my brother and I were happy.

I'm so glad that she had an opportunity to retire and actually enjoy her life before she got sick. She loved to go fishing and she loved to visit casinos. And she did that very often for about five to seven years before she got too weak to go. The morning she died, I remember the emptiness I felt. When the coroners took her from the hospital room, I felt as if I should go with them to accompany her. I didn't want her to be alone although she'd passed away.  Because she had always been there for me.

I guess that the message that I want to pass on to all of the guys out there is don't take your mom for granted. If she was good to you then do twice as much as you can for her when you get in a situation to do so. And for you guys who are husbands or have children with a woman, you're not exempt from this either.

Husbands, treat your wife right. Spend equal time with your children and allow your wife some alone time. It's not a woman's job to take care of kids. That responsibility belongs to both parents. Do your share. Period.

And for guys who have kids by a woman and you don't have custody of them and don't live with her, please pick up your kids as often as you can. Don't think that just because you get them every other weekend (after she's had them for 12 days straight) that you're doing something special.  Just because you and her are no longer together doesn't mean that their mother is no longer important to you. She's raising your kids! You need her to be at her best which means you need to relieve her whenever possible. Allow her time to go out or have a spa day or do whatever it is she wants to do. Her peace of mind will allow her to be the best parent she can be.  Your kids deserve that.

I'm ranting, but I'm saying all of this to say: treat mothers with the respect they're due. And I'm not belittling the roles of dads because they are equally as important. We all have a special bond with each active parent. And mothers have a special place in our hearts because we all shared a heartbeat with them at some point of their pregnancy with us. Do right by them and let them feel the love every day of the year and not just on Mother's Day.

Is A Piece Of A Dad Better Than No Dad At All?

Singer, Betty Wright, once famously said that, "a piece of a man is better than no man at all."

That quote may make sense within the right context, but how about this one: is "a piece of a dad better than no dad at all?"

So often, I've encountered women who appear to be going at it alone. Single moms who find themselves trying to take care of their children and maintain a certain standard of a lifestyle on top of that.  Of course, not all women who say that they do it by themselves actually do so. There are a lot of cases where there's a man in the background helping out. However, I want to focus on the dads who aren't there consistently.

Is a part-time dad better than no dad at all when it comes to the well-being of the children and the stress levels of the mother? 

I know quite a few mothers who are struggling financially because their children's father won't help consistently, if at all. But, he does just enough to help from time-to-time.  He may contribute towards back-to-school shopping.  He may pick the kids up now and then to give the mom a much-needed break and some alone time.  Since she's not taking him to court to for steady and mandatory support payments then he's perfectly fine with their arrangement of being able to come and go and he pleases.  Rather than alienating him and forcing him away from good, some of these women tolerate his inconsistencies and continue to make ends meet the best way possible. This not only has an impact on the mom's stress level, but it can also affect the children, and it can also impact any relationship that the mother may attempt to have with a new guy.

Is it worth it?  To have the baby's dad pick his child up every other weekend or give $100 every few weeks worth not putting him on child support and potentially losing any additional actions on his part?

I'm not a single mom, so of course I haven't a clue of what they're going through. However, I've worked with and dated quite a few of them and to say that this acceptance of a piece of a man doesn't have any negative impact whatsoever would be a fairy tale.

I've found myself in position to play dad when it comes to discipline as well as financial assistance. I once even had a woman get upset with me for not helping her financially because I insisted that she asked her child's dad first. We weren't even dating yet she was holding my feet to the fire because she couldn't rely on her baby's dad.

Where do you stand on this? Should a mother always seek child support to secure her kid's prosperity and risk upsetting the dad? Or should she just take what she can get and deal with any shortcomings on her own?

Oh, Please Let This Be True!

Any resemblance?

Okay, so by now you may have heard the rumors that Khloe Kardashian was fathered by "The Juice!" That's right. The man who cannot keep his name out of the news despite being only four years into a 33 year jail sentence: Orenthal James Simpson! Oh, please let this be true!

Why am I so excited about the possibility of O.J. Simpson being Khloe's father? Because THIS is reality TV. Although it's just a rumor, isn't this the type of thing that these reality shows portray in their shows? The Maury Povich type of plots that are scripted happen to occur on these shows that causes you to tune in the following week?

The story originated with two of the ex-wives of the late Robert Kardashian. Of course, Khloe denies it (can you blame her?) and said that the rumor is "laughable." A source told The National Enquirer (which is about as reputable as a hooker facing a 3rd strike) that Robert Kardashian acknowledged that he wasn't having sex with his then wife, Kris Jenner, when Khloe was conceived. O.J. also bragged about fathering a millionaire's love child, but never came clean on who because of the possible backlash ruining his endorsements. Endorsements he would later lose after killing two people... allegedly.

In the meantime, Khloe will stick to her guns and not address the allegations. Of course, a DNA test would solve everything, but she'll never take one. The possibility of her being a Simpson probably causes her to cry herself to sleep every night.

"Do I look like a killer?"

Don't Be...

Be a mother, but please don't be a "baby mama"

So many times, I come across "baby mamas". For those who don't know, those are women who have children, but still continue with their lives as if they're single. They drop their kids off with the grandparents every chance they get so that they may go out with the girls, hang out at bars and/or go clubbing.

For the life of me, I can't understand how someone who calls herself a "mother" would do that. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying once you have a child that you're never allowed to have fun. All I'm saying is that if you are a parent and you're still a regular in the nightclub, then you're doing a disservice to the child. If you're not ready to give up that lifestyle, then close your legs and not have a kid until later in life.

Be a father, but please don't be a "baby daddy".



Since I'm a man, I have a little more to say on this one...

Let's stop treating children like pets or accessories. They're living beings who need nurturing, support and guidance.

Being blessed with a two parent household as a child, I was raised with many traditional values from the Old South. I was taught to take my cap off before entering someone's home, hold a door for a lady to enter first, give a firm handshake, make eye contact when speaking with people, and be accountable for my actions.

As crazy as it sounds, those things are becoming a lost art. Too many boys out there lack the man training that is necessary to restore the dwindling cycle of the main components of manhood. Pride, responsibility, and accountability have been replaced with entitlement, dependency, and deflection.

Pride allows you to be proud of what you have achieved so you may maintain/enhance it. Entitlement lets you think that something is owed to you without earning it. You exist, so, therefore, you deserve.

Responsibility is what keeps you focused on what is important: life, love, and leadership. Dependency perpetuates childhood. You can have a life and you can love, but you can't lead if you're crawling around on all fours without the ability to stand.

Accountability keeps us humble. It removes fear when it comes to saying "my apologies." Deflection removes all blame because it's someone else's fault/problem, right?

Once you become a parent, it's no longer about you. It's about doing what is best for the child. It takes an adult (preferably two) to raise a child.

It's time to stop the foolishness.