Dealing with Disappointment

When it comes to dealing with people, we have to understand that things aren't what they once were when my parents were young adults in the early 60's.  Not keeping your word back then was almost the equivalent of slapping someone in the face.  If someone gave their word then it was a big deal if they broke it.  Being selfish was really frowned upon and we rarely saw it in older TV shows and movies.

Things are different now.  There aren't too many Ward and June Cleavers living in each neighborhood these days.  Society teaches us that satisfying yourself is quite okay.  "Do you" is a very popular statement still.  So, if someone tells you that they're going to do something for you or with you and they don't come through, then you have to find a way to cope with that.  Understand that this isn't the end of the world.  Each day is a new beginging and an opportunity for a fresh start.  Just focus on trying to keep people in your life who rarely disappoint you.

We all get disappointed and lied to on a daily basis.  It can be about simple things that shouldn't even require a lie.  "I'll call you back."  "I'll take care of that."  "I love you."

Ooh.  That last one stings a bit, huh?  LOL!

As difficult as it is at times, there are numerous instances in life when you have to take a deep breath and hit the reset button.  No one likes to do it, but it's just a part of living.  The longer that you remain on this planet, the more that you will realize that some people will let you down.  It can be a family member, friend, or even a significant other.  It may not always be intentional, but it happens nonetheless.

Can A Mate Veto Your Outfit?

It's Friday night and you've just finished up a long week of work. Your significant other calls you and wants to go out for a night of dining and dancing. You look in the closet and reach towards the back for that special outfit your mate has never seen. You put it on and you feel sexier than Marilyn Monroe at a JFK function.

Your mate arrives at your house and you open the door all the way so that they can take in a good view of your outfit. Your mate smiles in appreciation but then quickly says, "you're not wearing that."

 (record scratch) 

Is it wrong for your mate to say that you're "dressed too sexy" if you look like Pamela Anderson at a rave?  Is it wrong for your mate to say that you're "humiliating them" by wearing the same outfit Burt Reynolds did in "Smokey & The Bandit?"

I have only experienced this dilemma once in my life. I was dating a girl and I thought that she was very attractive. She had a booty that just wouldn't quit. She had more cheeks than a chipmunk with the mumps.

Anyhoo, we were going out to a nightclub (which I didn't like doing with women) and I went to pick her up. She came out of the house in what was basically a cat suit. Of course, I was stunned because she did look amazing in it, however, I thought about how many other people would think she'd look amazing in it as well. I mean, we're talking about a woman whose measurements were 38-26-OMG! So, I'm thinking about how many guys I may possibly have to "defend her honor" against if they try to get too aggressive.

I simply came out and told her that although I wanted to see that outfit later, that I thought it would cause too much of the wrong attention from guys. She understood and went back inside to change. I got lucky. No arguing. No drama. I breathed a sigh of relief because I didn't expect things to go over so smoothly.  Was it my tone?  My approach?  Or did she already have reservations about the outfit and just needed a tie-breaking vote?

Was I right to question what she had on at all? Should I have allowed her, as an adult, to wear what she thought was appropriate / comfortable for her? Or did I do right to speak my mind and express my feelings?  Shouldn't we be representing each other if we're going out as a couple? Regardless if an outfit is too sexy or if it should have been left back in 1975, can you state your case against it?  What would you do (or what have you done) in this position?



Fair or foul: Can a mate veto your outfit?

"So, let's set the world on fi-ya!  We can burn brighter!  Than the suunnnnnnn!"

Psycho Dad, Part II

(If you haven't read Part I, then this story will probably not make any sense to you.  So, do yourself a favor and check it out before this one.)

Two years have passed since Part I occurred. I've pretty much lost contact with Mia, but Rachel and I have kept in touch every now and then. I'm sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello," I answered.

"Hey, Quincy, this is Mia!"

"Wow. Hey, Mia, how have you been?"

"I've been great! Just staying busy in grad school. Speaking of which, I hate to call you out of the blue, but I need something."

"What's up?"

"I'm working on a paper and I need your help." 

Mia used me as a study partner back in the day. Whenever she had a paper to write, I was her critic. I figured it was no big deal to help her out again. However, in the back on my mind, I'm wondering if she's just trying to get back in my good graces after the incident. Is she just trying to lure me back into her life? I continue to ponder this as I get directions to her apartment, hang up the phone and start to get dressed. I give her friend, Rachel, a call just to see if I can pry her for info, but her phone goes to voicemail. I leave her a message that I'm going to Mia's place to help her with homework and hang up. I guess I'm going to give Mia the benefit of the doubt and see if she just wants to explain what happened that night.

I arrive to her complex about 20 minutes later. It's a nice apartment complex and within seconds of getting out of my car, I'm on the 2nd floor and knocking on her door. She answers the door wearing a long t-shirt and I'm unsure at first glance if she has anything underneath them or not. I give her a hug and close the door behind me. Mia walks to the couch and sits with her legs crossed. As her shirt rises up from the way she's sitting, I breathe a sigh of relief as I see that she's wearing short pants underneath. Mia is an attractive girl and I have nothing against making a move on her. However, ever since "the incident," I just don't know how I feel around her. I still feel some pity for her although I'm proud of the fact that she's moved on. She's working on her Masters degree and has a really nice apartment. Then a series of events commenced that changed that very thought within seconds of conceiving it:

 (baby cries)

"You have a kid?" I asked.

"It has been a while since I've spoken to you, hasn't it?" she replied. "Don't worry. His dad will take care of him."

"Mia?" called a man's voice.

My heart dropped as I stood up from the couch. She invited me over to her place and some dude lives there, too? Out of the room he comes and sure enough, it's him. The guy who abused Mia in front of my home just two years prior. He seemed just as shocked to see me as I was to see him. Immediately, I felt uneasy because we both have surprised looks on our faces to see each other again. Mia breaks the tension and speaks up, "Gene, this is Quincy. Quincy, Gene."

(baby cries)

There's about six feet of space separating us, but I choose not to walk over and shake hands. I simply give a head nod and say, "what's up?"

"Not much man," he answered.  "Mia didn't tell me that you were her tutor. I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Well, she didn't tell me she had a baby by her brother either," I sarcastically replied.

He looked confused for a second and then smiled as an indication that he recognized what I was reminiscing over. "Aw, man, that was like five years ago or something," he started. "We worked through all of that. I overreacted a bit."

"No, it was just a couple of years... 'a bit?'" I said stopping in the middle of my sentence after realizing the absurdity of what he just spewed. "Mia, I'm going to go."

I realize that I'm going to have to get past Gene in order to reach the door. I don't want to agitate him in his own place, but I'm actually the angry one at this point. Not necessarily at him, but at Mia. She married her abuser, had a kid by him (hence the nickname we later gave him as "Psycho Dad") and then invited me over into the same apartment with him? How stupid is that? She had no idea how either one of us would react to seeing each other again. Gene smiled and said, "Dude, you don't have to leave because of me. I ain't going to swing on you or nothing.  You can help her with her paper."

 (baby is still crying) 

At this point, I've sized him up. He weighed about an extra 15-20 lbs. since I saw him last, but he was still a lightweight in my eyes. I walked past him and placed my hand on the door knob, but as I cracked the door, I stopped and turned around. "Gene, man," I started, "I'm not worried about you swinging on me because unlike Mia, I'll swing back. Take care of your crying baby."

The words trailed off of my lips as I closed the door behind. I didn't even stay long enough to see either of their reactions to what I said.  I have a lump in my throat as I hurry to my car not knowing if this nut is coming outside behind me or not. Could I take him? Yes, I honestly think I could have whipped the sleeves off of him. However, I'm not a fighter. It's not anything that I want to do without a legitimate reason. Fights lead to grudges and grudges lead to revenge. I didn't have time to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Jackson is way too small of a city to have someone looking for you. However, if he came out of that door and attempted to try me, I was more than ready to jack him up to the highest level of "jackstivity."

As I get to my car, I see Rachel getting out of hers. "I got your voicemail. Is everything okay?," she asked. 

"How come you didn't tell me that fool married that fool?"

"Because she told me not to tell you. She was ashamed. I'm surprised she called you over here with him here without telling you first. She says that he hasn't hit her since that night, but I know he still yells a lot."

"And you believe that he hasn't?"

"No, I don't, but she's my friend, what am I supposed to say? You're lying?"

"Yes, that is exactly what you're supposed to say.  Call me later."

I get into my '91 Geo Prizm and drive out of the complex. My phone starts ringing as I get on the road, but I just let it ring since I know that it's Mia. I never saw her again after that evening. Her and Gene now have two kids and have been married 10+ years.  I ran into Rachel a couple of years ago and from what she told me, Gene is actually a good husband and father now. Not necessarily of his own doing, but nonetheless, that's the case. He was "influenced" to be a better man after an incident at their apartment complex.

A guy accidentally bumped Gene's car with his car in the complex parking lot.  Instead of acting like an adult, Gene flew off the handle on the dude. He got in the man's face and in the process of screaming and cursing, he accidentally spit on the man. The man then threw a right cross that caught Gene just outside of his left eye. The impact of the punch broke Gene's glasses and placed a nice-sized gash right above his left eyebrow. I'm told he still has a scar above that eye to this day.  From what Rachel told me, there were two hits in the fight: the guy hit Gene and Gene hit the ground.

That altercation led to the cops being called and Gene ultimately being ordered to attend anger management classes. Rachel said that those classes really turned him around (or that punch did).  I guess if he had to do it all over again, he never would have gotten in that particular man's face. People with "Semper Fi" bumper stickers on their car tend not to play around when they're threatened.

I only wish he'd been at my crib the night that first incident went down.

Do people deserve a second chance when it comes to domestic abuse?

Deal Breakers!

I figured I'd do something special for all of the Valentine's Day sweethearts out there. Well, not really...

We all have certain things that we just can't accept when it comes to relationships. Some of us have a mental checklist that a person must pass if they're to be eligible for dates. Here were some deal breakers for me back when I was single:

Grammar

If you talk like either of the ladies from the reality show "Tiny and Toya," then there's no way I would have considered bringing you home to Mom. I've heard cavemen in the movies with better grammar.

"Better don't miss our show!"

Hygiene

If you breath kicked like Jason Statham, then keep on steppin'. A woman's hygiene should be on-point at all times. 'Nuff said.

Shopping habits

If you had to have the latest name-brand gear, then I couldn't do anything for you. I didn't mind someone who shops, but I couldn't hitch my wagon to someone who splurges.

Those were a few of my deal breakers that I subscribed to prior to me marrying The Mrs. Everyone should have standards. I don't mean something stupid or childish like, "he has to be over 6'2" or she can't weigh more than 115 lbs." Those are for people who don't understand what relationships are all about. I'm talking about legitimate criteria that makes someone suitable for dating.


What are your deal breakers?

Chick Flicks Lie

Okay, so I'm seeing the "New Year's Eve" movie advertisement for the 70th time today. This movie features an appearance by pretty much everyone in the world who has ever acted. Pretty much everyone except Andrew Dice Clay has a part in this film.

Anyhoo, these movies draw tons of women to the theaters (along with the guys who are willing to sit through the movie to get into their pants). Well, I hate to be the one to break the bad news to all of you ladies, but you know that here at the Thank, Q site: "Some things just need to be said."

Chick flicks lie. They're modern-day fairytales that never come true. They sell a pipe dream about boy meets girl, boy loses girl and boy eventually finds girl and marries her. Well, relationships don't normally work like that. In real life, it's very uncommon to see a guy leave a woman at the altar to run to the woman he truly loves. Rich men don't save prostitutes off the street to show them a better life. A guy doesn't stop banging his sexy boss simply because he's attracted to an intern who's a better fit for him.

Wake up, ladies! It doesn't work like that. These films give false hope that romance still exists behind every corner. It doesn't. Romance isn't dead, but it's on life support. So, make sure you don't leave the theater all starry-eyed and waiting on some Matthew McConaughey to bump into you on a girls' night out with your homies, okay?

To be fair, I need to speak to the fellas, too. Guys, you have to stop thinking that the next woman you meet is going to be just as good as the hooker actress from the last porno you watched. We guys will watch these pornos and then try to figure out how we can get our girlfriend/wife to do some of the things we see in them. Get real, fellas! Stop thinking that life imitates porn! Every woman you date will not be Vanessa Del Rio or Jenna Jameson (sorry, but I don't know any other porn stars).

This could be your girl...  not!

Movies are fantasy. A lot of time, they show us the lives that we wish we could live. They sell a love story to the ladies that preserves hope that they'll actually find that Prince Charming. They can also sell a fantasy to us guys of a double-jointed woman who can suck a BB through a 50-foot garden hose. I have a former co-worker who claims to have watched "The Wedding Planner" over 50 times. She says that it gives her hope that true romance still exists.

Hmmmph. Well, I saw "The Transporter" for the third time the other day. It gives me hope that some day I'll be able to clear a room full of thugs with my martial arts moves.




.

Fine, But Crazy, Part II

Why didn't I learn my lesson from Bernice? If you missed her story, then you may want to go back to Part I to get the low down.

After three weeks, Bernice finally gave up and stopped calling me. She wanted to make things right with me and even offered to have her stripper friend, Chalinda, join us in a threesome. As tempting as it would have been to experience that, I did the mature thing and turned her down. I was not going to get caught up in more drama.

Until I met Contessa. An elegant name for an elegant woman. She had the hourglass figure and lips that would make a lollipop shed a tear. She was about four years older than me and knew exactly what she wanted. Well, I wish she would have told me what it was she wanted up front. Here goes:

My cousin dated her cousin. He called me and said, "Q, I got one for you, cuz. She's 28 or 29 with a five year old boy and she has a body like Page 43."

(for those who may not know, in Jet Magazine, the swimsuit model was always on page 43)

"Put her on the phone."

I chatted with her for a few and invited her to come over with her cousin and my cousin. She asked if she could just come over by herself. I should have dropped the phone and ran, but instead, I said what any 26 year old idiot man would say, "where can I pick you up?"

I get her address and arrive at her house less than 10 minutes later. As she came out of the house, I almost choked on my gum because she's a lot more attractive than I expected. She gets into my car and introduces herself with a beautiful smile and those full lips. I can't be this lucky, right? I wasn't.

We get back to my house and she asks if she can take off her shoes and make herself comfortable on my couch. I oblige and break out the wine coolers she requested we buy at the store before arriving to my house. "So, why are you single?," I ask from the kitchen while putting the other coolers in the refrigerator.

"Who said I was single?"

I paused with my head still halfway in the refrigerator thinking that if I stayed there long enough that some how that statement would be retracted. It wasn't and my ears were getting cold. "You have a man?"

"Yes, I do, but it's nothing for you to worry about. He's in Alabama."

A long distance relationship. Well, that's not a big deal at all. No wonder she's lonely on a Friday night. I regain my composure and position myself on the couch to watch that same "Die Hard with a Vengeance" movie that never made it past the opening credits whenever Bernice was over. "So, where's your son?", I asked taking a sip of the fuzzy navel wine cooler.

"He's with his dad in Alabama."

"How long will he be there?"

"Oh, they'll be back tomorrow. That's why I wanted to see you tonight. By the way, I love this couch. This is going to be my spot whenever I come over. Can I see the rest of your house?"

Is this Bernice all over again? Am I going to show her the bathroom only to have her come out naked? I start giving her a tour with anticipation in my eyes as she walked in front of me down the hall. "How long have you and dude been together?"

"I've been with him since I was 17, but we've been marr... together for 11 years."

"Wait," I thought to myself. "Was she about to say 'married?' Am I just being paranoid?"

I decided to ask another question. "Does he know that you go out with other guys?"

"Man, my hubby would kill me if he knew I was over here."

"Hubby?"

Now, keep in mind that this is 1997 and calling someone who wasn't your spouse "hubby and wifey" was not common back then. If someone in 1997 used that term to describe their significant other, then they were married!

"Uh, Contessa," I started, "this ain't gonna work. Even though your husband lives in Alabama, I can't do this."

"He doesn't live in Alabama, he lives with me. He just drives trucks and he's driving through Alabama right now."

"Wait. I picked you up at that man's house? You live right around the corner from me!"

"He'll never know. He won't be home for at least an hour. I can come over when he's out of town and we can have some drinks and chill."

"At least an hour? Are you..." I stopped in the middle of my sentence and retreated back into the den. I grab her coat, purse and heels and pass it to her. "I'm taking you home. I don't hang out with married women. You're fine and all, but you're crazy if you think your husband isn't going to sneak home on you one night and find you over here."

She took the coat from me and headed to the car. She didn't appear to be mad at all. She knew that her loose (full) lips sank her ship when she mentioned "hubby." It was total silence as I drove her home and ended up dropping her off a street over from her house because sure enough, her husband's rig was parked on their street. "Oooh, you were right! He did get home early," were the last words I heard Contessa say as she slid her apple bottom out of my seat and started walking home.

I wondered if it was the last time she would ever try to pull a stunt like that on her husband.  As I arrived home and unlocked my door and finally felt safe again, I made a promise to myself that never again would I not get to know a lady first before inviting her over. I was 0-for-2 in good decision making and I was only a few months removed from living with my parents. If I was going to survive on my own, I would have to make better decisions when it came to women. Thank, God I finally listened to myself.

However, the drama in my new home didn't stop there. But, I'll have to share the story of "Psycho Dad" on another day.




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Fine, But Crazy, Part I

Since people all over the world are going crazy over the date being 11/11/11, I decided to bring up something crazy myself and post it at 11:11 AM. This is a little lengthy, but most of my stories are, so bare with me.

When I was 24 and fresh out of my parents' crib, I had a three bedroom spot in Jackson. I was working at a Fortune 500 company doing some data entry work, my car was paid for and life was good. Or at least until she walked into my life.

I'll refer to her as "Bernice" during this post. Why Bernice? Because that was her name. Duh.

Anyhoo, I met her in the lobby of an oil change business. I was reading the newspaper and she walked in. She was roughly 5'0" and had curves like the Autobahn. Normally, I'm not one to approach a woman spur-of-the-moment and ask for her number. I've always been the guy who is patient and grows on a woman. Kind of like a fungus. Okay, bad analogy.

Dangerous curves ahead

So, I'm feeling confident and I step to her and introduce myself. I'm very blunt with her with my intentions. "Nice to meet you, Bernice. Look... They're going to have our oil changed in roughly 10 minutes, so I won't waste your time with any nonsense. Rather than rush through everything I'd like to say to you, how about you allow me to say them over dinner and a movie?"

She didn't blink an eye as she said, "Sure" and reached into her purse for a pen to write down her number. Little did I know that this was one time I wish a woman had told me "no."

I called her that night (since I don't believe in that make-a-woman-sit-around-for-a-day-and-wait garbage) and she lived less than five minutes from me. I drive over and pick her up, but she says she wants to get dinner to go and just watch movies at my place. Of course, I'm all for it and we grab some fast food and head back to my place.

I pop in "Die Hard with a Vengeance" and we sit on the floor and start watching TV. 10 minutes into the movie, she asks me where my restroom is located. I lead her down the hall to it and then return to the den. As I'm sipping on my sweet tea, Bernice comes back into the room... naked.

"Where's your bedroom?," she asked.

I'm completely stunned, but I got up from the floor so quickly that I almost pulled a hamstring.

Later than morning, I take her home and she says she'll call me later the next day. As I'm driving home, I'm trying to piece together everything that happened. Like most 20-somethings, I've already convinced myself that I can't possibly date her long term because any woman that sleeps with a man on the first date isn't girlfriend material, right? Especially since her freaky meter was an 8 on a scale of 10, right?

A day or two go by and I get a call from Bernice. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Chillin'. Playing Playstation."

"Can I come over?"

"Sure."

10 minutes later, my doorbell rings. I answer the door and 20 minutes later we're right back at it. This goes on every other day for a few weeks. There's little-to-no talking or trying to get to know each other. Just a brief conversation and then a horizontal joyride. A man's dream, right? Here's where it turned into a nightmare...

Well, after a month of this, the doorbell rings one evening unexpectedly. I answer it and it's Bernice... with two kids. I stare in confusion, but then remember that her brother has kids, so I invite her in and think nothing of it. We sit around and chat for a few and she tells me once she gets the kids to sleep, we can go to the other room. I wasn't expecting her visit, but since I knew what was about to go down, I didn't think much of it. One of the kids walks over to her. She may have been close to 2 years old and says something that made my jaw drop: "Momma, I'm thirsty."

Did I mention my two kids?

"M-M-Momma?"

"I didn't tell you that I had kids?"

"Kids? Both of these are yours?"

"Yeah. My bad. I thought I told you."

"How could you forget something like that? It's been a month!"

I stood up to go pour the child some apple juice, but my mind is racing all over the place wondering what I'd gotten myself into. I'm 25, single, fresh out of my parents' house with only a house note as a responsibility. I don't want an instant family. I don't want a girlfriend with one kid yet alone two!

While I'm in the kitchen, my phone rings, but I pay it no mind. Bernice sneaks a peek at the caller ID and sees a female's name. I get back into the room and I'm met with expletives from Bernice as she wants to know who it was that called me. "How are you going to have other hos calling here while I'm here? That's how people get cut!"

"Cut? Wait, whoa, why are you trippin'?"

I started wondering how I was going to get out of this. This chick was fine, but crazy. Showing up a month later with kids she never mentioned and now snapping on me about a female's name on my caller ID?

I look at the caller ID and it was my mom who called. Bernice and I had hung out for over a month and she didn't even know my last name to put 2 and 2 together to realize it was my mom calling. "That's my mom."

"Your mom?"

"Yes, my mom. Same last name. You don't even know my last name, do you?"

I show her my driver's license just to make sure she knew I was telling the truth. After all, she mentioned cutting someone earlier. I didn't want her to go Sweeney Todd on me. She sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I don't want any other women calling you."

"Bernice, I'm afraid you have to leave. We have trust issues going on here and I need some time alone."

Translation: "I'm scared and I'm 10 seconds from locking myself in the bathroom and calling the cops."

Surprisingly, she gets her things and leads the kids out the door without saying a word. I wish I could say that was the last time I saw her, but like I said, she was fine. We did kick it at least two more times before $50 came up missing out of my wallet one night and I knew I had to quit Bernice cold turkey. You would think I would have learned my lesson about getting to know someone before inviting them over to my house.

Boy, are you wrong if you think that I did... Squatlo was right.
(Part II coming soon)

MILF & Cookies

Ladies, do you hate it when guys label you? Have you ever been categorized simply by being an older woman who happens to be single? Cougars aren't widely popular. Some people women frown upon an older woman pursuing a younger guy. They look at these women like predators (hence the term "cougar). But, they're not. These women are just ladies who know what they want and have the means to go get it.

What's wrong with that?

Now, to guys, cougars are the best thing since the invention of the NFL Sunday Ticket. A sexy, older woman that is willing-and-able to make "the game" easy for you is a young man's dream come true. A lot of cougars don't waste time. They call you up, you come over, they open the door and the conversation goes pretty much like this: "Come in, shut up, lay down, get out."

You get yours and she gets hers and everyone is happy. Now, some guys are put off by them because they don't like the woman as the "shot caller" (aggressor). They don't like her being in control or deciding the terms of the relationship.

I never experienced a cougar, but I dated an older woman once. I was 24 and she was 38. However, she wasn't that aggressive. In fact, she was more of a house cat than a cougar. She was what a lot of guys refer to as a MILF. She was divorced with a 14 year old son and we were more of a "friends with benefits" type of couple than anything. She didn't call the shots or try to dominate the situation.

There's a difference between a MILF and a Cougar: a MILF may not have any interest in younger men, but younger men seek them out. A Cougar seeks out younger men because "Stella is trying to get her groove back." Being called a MILF is actually a compliment to a few, but an insult to most. The same goes with cougars. Calling some women a cougar can get you "paw slapped" while a select few may give you a smile.

Quite a few younger guys prefer MILFs. Although any woman your age can technically be a MILF, the term normally applies to an older, attractive woman with children.

A woman like that may not necessarily be attracted to younger guys, but some times when a guy shows her interest, the need to feel appreciated can actually transform her into a cougar. But, if that doesn't happen, then the guy may need to get into a relationship with her in order to "get the cookies." And I know some guys who don't mind a little MILF and cookies because there are advantages of having an older woman as a significant other. Older women generally don't play games and are pretty stable in their lives.  But, I also know some guys who run from the "Just Add Man" instant family.

Some guys are concerned of being involved with a MILF because her kids are part of the package and deserve some attention as well. Knuckleheads these days have problems taking care of their own kids yet alone someone else's.

With a cougar, yeah, she may have kids, but you probably wouldn't even know it because her only goal is for you to come over, "put in your 20 minutes" and get out. But, the benefit of a MILF is that you're more than likely the only guy she's sleeping with at the time. A cougar may have quite a few young bucks in her stable. Decisions, decisons, huh, guys?

But, seriously... Memo to the guys: if you like a woman for a relationship or just for sex, then try not to label her or allow your friends to do so. These things are degrading to women and we do enough of that, okay? Just be happy that someone has some interest in your immature self.

And for the ladies, don't be put off by the labels. We guys will always be juvenile in nature and come up with some term to try and categorize women. It's what we do. We can't help it although we should try harder not to do it. Unfortunately, our brains don't fully develop until we're Yoda's age. So, regardless if you're labeled as either a MILF or a cougar by some idiot, then don't let guys dictate how you feel about dating younger.

Hugh Hefner has ejaculated dust for decades now and no one ever says anything to him.

(Dating) Card Up Your Sleeve

VistaPrint, you marketing devils, you!

Ladies, would you give a guy a chance if he pulled out a dating card on you?

Fellas, would you use one?

You're Too Catty

Okay, ladies. It is time that you admit to yourselves what men have known for ages: some of you are just flat-out trifling.

Yeah, I said it.

You all give each other grief more than a man ever could. Some of you are your female counterparts' worst enemy. I will give you an example in which all of you are familiar:

You and your man go to a house-warming party for a neighbor. It is a formal event, so everyone is dressed nicely. You walk in with your man and what happens? Immediately, every female eye in the room is giving you the "elevator eyes" as they evaluate your outfit from head-to-toe. "Hmmph! She thinks she's cute," they'll think to themselves. "I ought to scratch her eyes out."

Okay, maybe the last sentence was an exaggeration (for most). Ladies, what's the point? Is it really a competition if the other person doesn't even know that they're in a race? How can someone who simply walks into the room get the "mean mug" from you? You don't know her.

Let me clue the females in on something: men know that you're competitive and we use it to our advantage. We know that you will do unreasonable things to "win" whatever it is you're competing for in your head. We can feel your grip on our arm get tighter as a "rival" comes near. We know why you give us that spur-of-the-moment "PDA" when another "competitor" makes eye contact with us.

Men can use one woman's attention as another woman's motivation.
There's no code among some women. No unwritten rule that helps them to avoid these incidents. Some of you are probably missing out on a "BFF" simply because you're too catty to even say "hello" to someone you perceive as a threat. You could have a long-term friendship with a woman except for the fact that her shoes don't match her outfit. Deal breaker, right?

Guys don't care about imperfections on other guys. In fact, we can meet a total stranger and we will find some way to bond with that guy simply for the sake of passing time. It's not that we don't compete, but if we do, it doesn't happen the moment another dude walks into the room.

Real men only want to have a good time. (I stress "real men" because some of these 20-something males only seem to want to impress each other -- go figure).

Ladies, stop taking the "feline approach" and just assume that each woman that comes in the room only wants to have a good time just like you do.

Introducing Mylauney!

Listen to internet radio with ThankQ on Blog Talk Radio

I was honored with the opportunity to interview the lovely Mylauney Billups of CherryLetters.com! Mylauney is a relationship expert who is blowing up on Twitter! I really enjoyed chatting with her as we discussed repeat offenders, communicating in relationships, roles within a marriage structure and more!  Give the podcast a listen and remember that you can follow the show on iTunes!

Check out Mylauney and her wisdom over at www.CherryLetters.com

Freak Me, Baby!

Okay, now that I have your attention... A question came up during my interview on Looking For My Spouse Radio last week:

Should a woman go "Jenna Jameson" on a man during their first sexual encounter?

Grab the camera, baby!

In other words, the first time she gets with a man, should she let herself go and use every move that she has? Or should she show him just a little bit more of her arsenal with each experience?

Now, there are two ways to look at this: if you decide to break out the lubes, gerbils, jumper cables and a tarp to spread on the floor, then it could cause a bit of anxiety with the man. Especially, if he's old school.

Some of the traditional men think that the freakiness of a long-term sexual relationship should evolve over time. If a woman breaks out the whips and chains on sex night #1, then the average traditional man will think that she's "been around the block" and will consider her as a "freak." More than likely, this means that any chance of something long term will end after that evening. Is it fair? Maybe not, but it's reality. Guys know that every woman they meet isn't a virgin, but if they're going to consider that woman for something long term, then they may not be comfortable with the fact that she appears to have tons of experience. Even if she's only been with one or two guys before, a lady breaking out a camcorder and tripod the very first time could scare off the guy. Now, of course this doesn't apply to one-night stands. Anything goes when there's no future planned between the two.

Now, let's look at this from another point of view. And this may be from a more modern view. Some guys don't want a corpse in bed. They want a woman who is going to "bring it" like a $1,000 hooker. To them, if a woman is not holding anything back the first time they have sex, then she's being true to herself. She's allowing her passion to take over her actions and that lack of restraint could mean a lifetime of pleasure for him. In his mind, she is so comfortable with her sexuality and him, that she's allowing her desires to take over the situation. So, even if she asks to be spanked, he's more willing to oblige because he realizes and accepts the fact that whatever sex happened prior to him is simply "the past" and her only focus is "the present."

No, not "whipped cream," I said, "whip, scream."

Besides, aren't women allowed to enjoy sex, too? Should women be bound to traditional concepts and suppress what they're really feeling just to maintain an image in bed? How stupid is that? Before my interview on LFMS Radio, I would have fallen into that traditional line of thinking. Hearing someone's point of view on the topic actually made me reconsider. Back when I was single, a woman who got all Vivid Video with me would have scared me off. In fact, it did happen with one lady in particular. She did way too much way too soon (first date) and before I knew her last name, I knew how flexible she was. Fast forward to today, if I were in that same position (no pun intended), I'd be a little more understanding of what happened. Now, I still would not have considered this particular young lady as long term material because on that first date, I determined that she was a straight hood rat. LOL! But, I wouldn't have let her appetite for destruction in the bedroom deter me.

So, fellas, let's cut the women some slack. If they want to let it all hang out (literally), then don't assume it's because she took classes at the Bunny Ranch or something. Regardless of where her ideas originate, just be thankful that she wants to share them with you. Even if it's not your thing, it would be unfair to pass judgement on her. She's not a ho because she enjoys sex. She's just a human being who likes sex. Women deal with too many double standards as it is. No one would say anything if a man asked a woman if he could "wheelbarrow" her against the headboard during their first time. That's just a "man being a man," right?

Well, when can a "woman just be a woman?" Don't you want a woman who enjoys sex? Hello?

Forget tradition. I want her to do me like I owe her a mule.

I Think My Wife Is Trying to Kill Me

Ok, not really. But, I did get your attention, huh? My wife watches "ID" or what you may have come to know as the Investigation Discovery channel... constantly. For those who have not had the pleasure of watching this channel, it's basically show-after-show-after-show of people murdering other people. Listen to these show names: "Wicked Attraction," "Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry?," "Nothing Personal," "I (Almost) Got Away With It," and "Deadly Women."

Really, ID? Over the past few months, I've come to notice that every time I go into the bedroom, the TV is on this channel. Most of the time, I'd watch two or three minutes of it and then walk out. After a while, I started paying attention to the nature of these cases: spouses being killed, missing bodies, murder-for-hire, etc. Wait. What?

When I started dating The Mrs., she was really into "Law & Order." In fact, she's the reason I'm all into crime-time TV now with the L&O series and the CSI series (except for CSI: NY which sucks to me). Now it's real-life drama she's watching? Instead of to Maritza Hargitay and Ice-T it's Carla Hughes and Chiman Rai?

These cases are always sad, but also goes to show how unstable people are in the world. It still amazes me, no matter how many news stories I watch, how people are so selfish, insecure or both, that they take a person's life at the drop of a hat. It may be out of jealousy for someone full of rage or just murdering a person because the funeral would be cheaper than the divorce. I watch some of the shows with her and in so many instances the person has a chance to just walk away, but instead, they choose to take a life. "If I can't have you, then no one can."

These shows are twisted, yet interesting. I can see the appeal and how easily someone can get sucked into sitting down a bit to see how a show ends. But, the bedroom TV stays on ID, 24-7.

Memo to The Mrs: I know you're reading this. Don't forget that I've watched 20 years worth of L&O reruns, so don't think that I don't know how to leave behind clues for investigators!

Again, I'm kidding. The Mrs. isn't that type of person to make me wonder "Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry?" But then I thought about it and realized that those victims on the shows probably said the same thing about their spouses. So, I've hired someone to taste my food now. I'm not saying she's plotting against me, but if you go a week and don't notice a blog post from me, then send someone, please?

Do Relationships Suck (Or is it just you?)

Join the radio show Sunday, February 20th @ 10 PM Central Time!

The Call-in Number to participate is: (323) 784-3650

Follow here to be reminded!

We will discuss any topic regarding relationships from a wide range of previous Thank, Q blog postings:

"Should Marriage Licenses Expire?"
"How Many Is Too Many?"
"Repeat Offender"
"The Friend Zone"

Once the show is over, you can return here to post any comments that you may have about the show's discussion!

I hope to hear from you during the show! If you're not able to get in, then feel free to voice your opinion or ask a question in our chat room.

My Christmas Gift to Women

Why do men make great politicians? Because you can ask us a question and we can talk for five minutes without answering it.

Ladies, when it comes to a man, be direct and ask multiple questions, if you have to do so, if you're considering "the next level".

If he's asked by other women if he has a girlfriend, he'll say "no" because you're not his girlfriend in his eyes.

Why? Because you never said you were his girlfriend. You just thought that because you two hung out now and then that it was assumed, huh? It doesn't work like that. When you start to think this guy may be a long-term thing, ask him, "Are we exclusive?"

Use that phrase and get a definitive answer. At that point, there's no ducking or dodging. It's a "yes" or "no" question to where you stand. If the answer isn't "yes", then any other response is "no".

Either way, you're throwing a monkey wrench in his game because he won't be able to talk around that question. :)

But, don't cheat yourself. Ask multiple questions and find out what the guy is about sooner rather than later. Ask a few subtle questions about his ex and make sure she's not lurking around and waiting to give him another try.

Be honest with yourself. 7 out of 10 of you hear things you know are conducive to a bad relationship, but you choose to ignore it because you want to make it work. In the words of Chad Ochocinco, "Child, please!"

A few common sense tips to get you ladies back on the right path to a healthy relationship.

Merry Christmas, ladies.

Questions? Post them here.

How Can I Cash In?

I'm jealous. Like Wanda Sykes, "Yeah, I Said It!" I'm bitter. Why, you ask? Because I'm tired of rich people making more money on top of what they already have for saying some of the same things that I say. Steve Harvey, Dr. Phil, Reverend Run, etc. I'm jealous of them. I want to cash in on my knowledge, too.

I can give good advice to a co-worker/friend and it will fall on deaf ears. But, doggone it, let Steve Harvey, a man on his third marriage, tell a woman to "respect yourself" and they run to Barnes & Noble to buy his book.



I don't get it. You can't be insightful unless you're already famous? You have to have starred in a certain number of TV shows or movies in order to have credibility?

Ex-con, Lyfe Jennings, took the radio airwaves by storm with his "Statistics" song. He sang about the type of men a lady will meet and how to not "be a nickel looking for a dime." The song was being played every where right before he went back to jail for getting into an altercation with the mother of his child. Now's he's a "Statistic." Again. Yet, his lyrics are still tweeted daily.



So, yeah, I'm bitter. I haven't had multiple marriages. I don't have any baby mamas nor do I hit women. Doesn't that make me more of an expert since I generally practice what I preach? I want my next pay check to be from some common sense statement I made in a blog. For example: "If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you."

Where's my dough? If Reverend Run tweeted that same statement then he would have more retweets than a stuttering baby bird.

If there's money to be made in common sense, why can't the guy with "Common Sense" in his blog title make any? How can I cash in?

Maybe I should go the route of some of my peers. I take a lot of pride in some of my fellow bloggers who have turned their thoughts into books (or are in the process of doing so):

My man, Sid, down in FL has a book or two at Barnes & Noble. One of my new faves, Tameka, is doing her thing with "The Writing Assassin". It's very good and I wish I everyone would follow and support her. Scott gives a lot of outside-the-box perspectives on his blog as well.



We all need to rise up and get our pay checks! No sense in already-famous people getting all of the attention for saying some of the same things we've posted.

Now, if I can only get Dr. Phil to float me a loan to help publish my book...

Repeat Offender

"All women are ho's!"

"All men are dogs!"

Surely you've heard that plenty of times, right? Have you noticed that it tends to come from the same people over-and-over again? You can't complain if you're a repeat offender, can you? "Once a victim, twice a volunteer" is the old saying, but some people are well beyond two bad experiences.

I don't have as many single friends as I once did, but I still have a few fellas that I know are still looking for Mrs. Right. Or so they say...

I know plenty of guys who say, "Q, man, I'm looking to settle down. Find that special lady so we can raise a family and take care of one another."

"Uh, do you think you're going to find one at the nightclub you went to last night or the strip club you hit up last Thursday?"

"Nah, Q! I can't fool with them. They can look like those women, but I need someone who doesn't have a bunch of kids."

"Uh, dude, don't you have three kids by four women?" (now re-read that sentence slowly and laugh)

"Man, I need someone who will take care of me when I'm sick. Works hard. Who's built like Bry Jensen...."

"Whoa. How can you make how she's built a requirement? You just limited your dating pool by 75%. Don't you know that the average woman isn't a fitness model? No wonder you're single."

(by the way, today is the last day to vote for Bry for 2011 BodySpace Spokesmodel Search!)



I know so many women who say, "there are no good men left in the world". Given today's society, I tend to understand where their feelings originate, but my sympathy for them tends to fade after I see their choice in men.

"Q, I wish I could just find a man who acts right."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I took my last man from a woman and do you know he had the nerve to leave me for someone else? After he said he 'loved me'!"

(Blank stare from me.)

She continued, "I need a man who will work hard to support his family. Be faithful to me and never consider cheating. One who's open and honest and willing to express his feelings. And he has to have six-pack abs and be at least 6'0" tall with tattoos. One who will keep my hair and nails done and send me to the spa weekly."

"Huh!!??"



"Yeah, since I would be a domestic engineer, I will need something to do to keep me stress-free and spa visits would do that for me."

"A 'domestic engineer'? Isn't that code for 'housewife'? Well, unless you hang out at pro golf tournaments or the Waffle House and are lucky enough to meet Tiger Woods, then you will probably remain single like a slice of Velveeta with those expectations."



So, why the charade about who is available in the world today? There are plenty of good men out there just like there are plenty of good women.

The problem is: You don't want one.

If you truly wanted someone who actually wants to be with you for the rest of your life, you'd be realistic. You're wasting your life away waiting on the "perfect mate" with certain physical qualities, motivational factors and financial status. I'm not saying you can't find someone who is successful, good-looking, faithful and great with kids because there are plenty of those people available if you look. But, how many good ones have you already turned away just because he was under six feet tall or because she was a 32A cup?

Why set your standards that high on the superficial things instead of the things that truly make a relationship great?

You do it because "bad" is "good", right? Women like "bad boys" and guys like "bad girls". Even though we know there is heartache involved in dating some Angelina Jolie or Vin Diesel look-a-like, we want what we want, right?

Just be honest with yourself for a change. I need all repeat offenders to repeat after me: "I welcome drama. I enjoy excitement. I like sexy. I like being alone."

Do you feel better now? :)

Destined to Cheat?

"Ho". Dog. Man. Are we one in the same? Ladies, do you think that a majority of men are just destined to cheat?

I honestly think that some women think that men are natural-born cheaters. Some mothers raise their daughters to believe that "men just cheat". Because of that, some women not only expect it, some accept it.

We all know a woman who has given her man a second, third or fourth chance after cheating. "Well, it's just a man's nature to cheat."

Garbage. I don't agree. Men don't "naturally cheat". Men who cheat do so because they can. They cheat because they know if the woman they're cheating on doesn't take them back, then the woman they're cheating with will take them in. If women want to stop men from cheating, then stop allowing us to do so. Raise your standards and we'll be forced to raise ours.

I wish there was a way to poll every involved guy in the country to see how many would cheat if they knew that they wouldn't get caught. You'd be surprised at the number of men who would not do it. Plenty of guys are happy with what they have at home.



But, let's flip the script. Women not only cheat on men, but they are better at cheating, too. Men aren't planners and normally, we forget our lies as soon as we tell them! And even if a person is good at lying, there are ways to "lie detect" them. When most people lie, they include too many details that are difficult to remember. After a person tells you their story on why they stayed out until 4 AM, all you have to do is listen carefully and take mental notes. After they're done, just ask them to repeat the story... backwards.

Most people can recite a story backwards if it truly happened.

A member of my BlogFrog Community named Adrienne said that, "monogamy is a learned trait". I agree with that statement. Some animals in the world instinctively only mate with one for life, but we people just don't think one is enough some times. Then again, some animals mate and the male ends up a meal if he isn't fast enough to get away. I'm glad it's not like that with humans because I'm sure most men would rather be a virgin than a meal.



But, the bottom line is: men are not destined to cheat. It's not "in our nature" any more it's in a woman's. No woman can "drive you" to cheat. No man can accidentally slip and fall into "some". No man can drink until they're no longer obligated to be faithful.

It doesn't work like that. Either you're a crappy guy or you're not. Either you have respect for your woman or you don't. Either you're man enough to break it off with her before moving on or you're a coward.

Either way, cheating is a decision that you consciously make and no excuse you can conjure will change that fact.

If you're not getting what you need at home, then tell her and leave peacefully and respectfully. Don't go elsewhere on the sly. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. No man on record has died from lack of getting some action. If anything, he's died from trying to get some as indicated in the photos below.



Join the discussion in our forum!

Involved Ladies, Let Me Help You Out...

Ladies, most of you truly don't know how easy it is to satisfy a man. Sure, most of you have mothers who may have taught you that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach", but things are different in today's world.

A lot of you with boyfriends/husbands knew the way at one time, but have either forgotten it or have chosen to ignore it. Involved ladies, let me help you out when it comes to easily keeping your man happy with you.

The way to a man's heart is through his ego. It's just that simple. That three letter word can be the difference between you having a happy man or a man who eventually grows tired of being around you.



If a man can't be uplifted by the woman he was willing to give up his single life for then his ego will be crushed and his happiness will slowly erode.

Let me give you an example of how a man can easily be separated from his woman emotionally:

John works 40+ hours a week as a salesperson. He's worked really hard to do well and sell his company's product. In his office, his co-workers really like and admire the work that he does and compliment him regularly on his performance.

John gets home from a good day at work and tells his wife, Tonya, about his day and how he sold more product than he has ever before. She says "that's great, honey" very dryly and quickly changes the subject to "what's for dinner?"

Now, this doesn't sound like much to most women who probably read that, but to the men who read it, it's something they've probably all experienced before. Even though it wasn't a huge bonus or promotion, John chose to come home and share a good work experience with Tonya and she blew it off as "no big deal".

Men always get stereotyped for not sharing, but sometimes when we share something that is important to us, if it's not important to you, it hurts. If you can't get enthusiastic about something that excites your mate, then why are you with him? If he's happy and it's not a big deal to you, then why would he continue to share anything with you?

Now, I'm going to show you how "bad" can turn to "worse": John gets back to work the next day and in walks Sasha. She's a curvy co-worker who is single and aggressive. "Great job with the extra sales, John", she starts. "I think you do such an excellent job."

Ladies, this is how relationships go wrong. It's not always about a man not getting sex at home like some of you have been trained to think. It's about a man not getting uplifted at home. If he has to leave home to find someone who appreciates his achievements, then that's sad. If his support and compliments come from outside of the place he lays his head at night, then his mind will eventually wander from that place.



Tonya didn't recognize the fact that John was seeking her approval when he mentioned his extra sales. He wanted to show the person he chose to spend his life with that he was excelling. Now that he hasn't received that support from home, do you know how much better Sasha looks at the moment now that she's given him the lift he was craving?

When a man's ego is crushed, he will always think that it is something wrong with him. It will plague him to no end that his girlfriend/wife isn't satisfied with his efforts. He'll feel less of a man.

When another woman comes along and decides to stroke his ego, then he will start to think that there's something wrong with his girlfriend/wife. At that point, he starts to look at her as a negative in his life instead of a positive.

All of this sounds so simple, yet it's very real. Many of you may not know, but you've probably already lost a man or two because of your failure to support his ego. Some of you put down your man without even realizing it.

A man can go out and do something nice for you and still wind up feeling crummy afterwards. He can actually regret doing something nice for the woman he loves.

Let's say Tonya always does the dishes every evening. She washes them and puts them away in the cabinet every single night. One evening, John decides to surprise Tonya and do the dishes so that she can relax. He washes them, but leaves them in the drain instead of drying and putting them in the cabinet.

Instead of Tonya being thankful for what he has done, her response is: "why did you wash the dishes and not put them up?"

I'm sure 99% of the ladies reading this is asking herself the same question: "Yeah, why didn't he?"

It doesn't matter that he didn't. He put forth an effort to make Tonya's evening easier yet she was unappreciative because he didn't make it easy enough for her.

Every man who's reading this now is smiling and thinking "Thank, God someone finally said this."

Let me flip the script for a moment: A woman could go outside, grab the lawn mower and proceed to mow only 25% of the yard. That man will brag about it to his friends that his girlfriend/wife made the effort to help him with yard work. He won't show displeasure for her not finishing it all. That's just not how the average man's mind works.

But, let a man only do 25% of one of his woman's chores and not only will she not appreciate the fact she only has 75% left, she will feel insulted by it.



If you want to run a man off, literally or emotionally, then keep doing this. Because I guarantee you that Sasha will appreciate every single, little thing that he does at the office.

Every sales strategy he provides. Every inside tip he shares. Every good joke he cracks. Everything he does well, she will remind him of how well he does it. She will show him the same admiration that you once showed him at the beginning of your relationship.

What happens after that point strictly depends on his character.


(For a different take on parts of this post from a woman's perspective, check out what was said over at Pish Posh! Involved Men: Women Need Appreciation

"The Friend Zone"

I don't get it. I had a conversation with a woman who said about a guy she knows that "I wish I could find someone like him".

In the southern accented words of my friend, Allyson, "Excuuusssse me?"

As someone who heard that phrase multiple times in his life, I immediately had to figure out why she wanted someone "like him", but "not him"?

So, I asked, "Find someone like him? What's wrong with him? He doesn't like women?"

"No, he likes women."

"Is he married or something?"

"No, I think he's going out with someone, but it's not serious."

Now I'm even more confused. "Uh... Okay, is he ugly?"

(LOL!) "No, he's not ugly or anything. He's just a little nerdy, that's all. He lacks style."

Ladies, let me see if I have this straight: there are roughly six or seven good men left in the U.S. and you want to "weed" out the nerds? I understand women in their early 20's may do that out of immaturity, but this lady was early 30's.


You can help a man work on his style a lot easier than you can help him work on commitment.

Memo to all good guys out there (and I was joking when I said six or seven):

It's time to stop thinking that if you are nice to her that she will some day wake up, see how wonderful you are and make you her boyfriend. When her biker boyfriend, Thrasher, pours beer over her head and tells her to "beat it", don't be the fool she runs to unless you truly just want to be her friend. I know it sounds mean to say this, but you're only torturing yourself while she ignores you.

She will use you until one of the two things happen:

A) she finds a guy like Thrasher who happens to know how to treat a woman
B) she reaches the age where she thinks time is running out and she settles for a Thrasher wanna be.


So, good guys, don't do it! Before I got married, I had more good-looking female friends than a Maxim magazine photo shoot. They all discussed their problems with me ad nauseum. Yet, I remained single like a slice of Velveeta cheese. So, take it from someone who knows the deal.

But, back to the ladies. Let me ask you this:

Why is it that when some guys (even one you may find attractive) crosses that imaginary line to "The Friend Zone", he becomes forever untouchable?

Can one of you women explain that to me? Join the discussion.