Wednesday, January 14, 2015

XX vs. XY Presents @DirtyinPublic

Welcome to another installment of "XX vs XY" as I mix it up with a female guest blogger! This is a series that you will see every now and then that takes a view point from a woman's perspective and puts it against my viewpoint from a man's perspective. The guest and I won't necessarily be challenging each other on a topic, but instead will be discussing it from our points of view. It could be two totally different angles on the same subject which will display how the genders' minds work. 

Who is this female guest I'm speaking of? She's Marrie Lobel from the award-winning Dirty in Public website! She has a great blog and she's one half of an amazing podcast on relationships called Mr. n Mrs. Romance. So, without further ado... Take it away, Marrie...

People Who Pass Judgment on Sexual Behavior


Threesomes, BDSM, or public sex; when it comes to sexual fantasies, where’s the line between cool kink and scary freak? From my observations judgments lay between what an individual has done and what scares the shit out of them. Arbitrary verdicts about what is “normal” or “nauseating” are made based on feeling aroused or utterly disgusted. Meaning judgments aren’t passed out of reverence for a 3000 year old book or a respected family member's teaching but from personal experience and pleasure.

When discussing sexual fantasies and desires among consenting adults, more can be said about those passing judgment than those who respectfully explore their sexuality. In reality there is no “normal” and qualifying an erotic thought as deviant, atypical or abnormal depends on the person being asked and when a large sample were asked their answers revealed there is no typical. Of course there are pathological sexual behaviors; those that involve non-consent or pain to achieve sexual satisfaction, for example, but those are not what most typically encounter and rarely harbor sanctuary.

Frankly, when someone judges another’s sexual desire or behavior as “bad” or “abnormal” I feel it exposes their own insecurities about their own sexuality and their inability to open their mind to alternative ways of thinking. By saying this I’m not encouraging anyone to betray their own comfort levels but to accept others are different. Simply chalk it up to sexual compatibility…or lack thereof. 

It’s true the key to any relationship involving sexual intimacy, whether it’s a one night stand or long term commitment, requires both involved to feel chemistry, consent, respect, and pleasure; however, when it comes to pleasure, each of us experience it differently. One person’s naughty can be the others’ nice. So, next time rather than playing Santa (unless that’s the kink) by banishing them to the naughty list consider freeing your mind and letting go of judgments.

Now it's my turn. There are a lot of people in the world.  That means that there are a lot of different tastes and preferences.  Who am I to judge or say that someone's preference of something is wrong because it doesn't equal mine?  Especially when it comes to sex.

I'm from the Bible Belt state of Mississippi where sex is often taught to us as being a bad thing.  It's rarely taught as anything involving pleasure.  It's almost as if it's strictly for reproduction and never for recreation.  These same people who have made themselves authority figures over sex also preside over what's considered "acceptable" sex and what's not.

As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to sex: do you.  Whatever makes you happy that isn't illegal is quite alright with me.  If you want to tie someone up, use fruit, or even bring in an additional person or two then that's your business.  If you want to abstain from sex altogether until marriage then that's fine, too.  Yet some are even criticized for doing that which is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm sure most of the people who are judging are either participating in some of the same acts or have done even more kinkier stuff.  How many times have we seen a male politician bash gay people during a campaign only to get caught with his pants down (literally) with another man?  Or someone who has a strong stance on prostitution but gets caught in the back seat of a Cadillac with a hooker?  Or maybe they're just mad because they can't find someone to do freaky stuff with them.

What makes a person quick to say "what happens in your bedroom is your business" but then turn around and criticize people who "aren't the norm"?  The hypocrisy is overwhelming in this country if you ask me.  There is no "norm" when it comes to sex.  There are plenty of things that I would never do, but I won't hate on someone if that's their thing.  Criticizing someone for their sexual preferences is like criticizing someone who orders coffee off of Starbucks menu that you don't like.  Just because you don't drink it doesn't mean that it's wrong for someone else to try it.  If you don't like it then don't order it.

It's just that simple.

Next on "XX vs XY" will be Tasha Mac...

Friday, January 9, 2015

One Smile Can Change Your Day

I was at a Kroger grocery store last Sunday after church and I walked past a lady. Early-to-mid 40's, slim, very attractive features, wearing leopard printed heels with a knee-length skirt and matching animal print shawl/shoulder wrap over a white shirt.  We made eye contact as she moved her shopping cart out of my path.  By reflex, I said "good morning," but you couldn't honestly tell if I meant it or not.  It was just a greeting. I'd just found out a church member of only 49 years old had died of cancer just 30 minutes prior.  I'd also just heard that one of the ESPN personalities who I'd watch since the early 90's had passed away of cancer at 49 years old as well.  So, my mood was a bit somber being that I've lost loved ones to cancer as well.  To top it off, I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed from the grocery store.  I thought that all of that justified my dry "hello."  After all, the only requirement is to be cordial, right?

Well, she replied with a very enthusiastic "Good morning! How are you?" in return.

I never broke stride and dryly replied with an "I'm fine. Thanks."

I walked around the corner to the next aisle and I thought about it for a second. In a world where people only think "self," here was someone who was energetic in her greeting and I didn't reciprocate. How often does that happen in our lives when people ask you, "how are you?" and they truly don't care?  The last time you acknowledged someone with a "hello" or a "good morning," did you mean it?

This lady definitely meant "good morning" to me and I wasn't going to allow that to be in vain.  I turned my shopping cart around and went back around the corner. To my surprise, I was met with the same smile she'd given me before as if my dry response from earlier never happened. That says a lot about a person when they treat you respectfully despite how you may have treated them.  I said to her,"Hello, again.  I want to apologize for earlier. You were being very enthusiastic in speaking to me and I was in Lala Land. So, I needed to come back and apologize for that and give you a big smile and greeting. Good morning! How are you?"

She smiled and said, "I'm great and I'm relieved that there are still some good people in the world.  You didn't have to do that."

"Yes.  I did," I replied.

I told her to have a wonderful day and I walked off. Both of us left the conversation with smiles.

I ran into her two more times in the store and outside of the store as well.  Each time she would flash a big smile as she strolled by.  As I got outside and started loading my groceries in my car, I noticed that she was only two parking spots down from me loading her groceries.  By the time she finished I had walked over and offered to return her shopping cart to the store for her.  She smiled and said, "why, thank you!"

I actually felt like I should have been thanking her.  She re-opened my eyes on something I preach to others: a positive attitude is infectious.  It's amazing how we can take the little things for granted, but it's the little things, and only the little things, that determine what kind of people that we are.

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