Friday, November 11, 2011

Fine, But Crazy, Part I

Since people all over the world are going crazy over the date being 11/11/11, I decided to bring up something crazy myself and post it at 11:11 AM. This is a little lengthy, but most of my stories are, so bare with me.

When I was 24 and fresh out of my parents' crib, I had a three bedroom spot in Jackson. I was working at a Fortune 500 company doing some data entry work, my car was paid for and life was good. Or at least until she walked into my life.

I'll refer to her as "Bernice" during this post. Why Bernice? Because that was her name. Duh.

Anyhoo, I met her in the lobby of an oil change business. I was reading the newspaper and she walked in. She was roughly 5'0" and had curves like the Autobahn. Normally, I'm not one to approach a woman spur-of-the-moment and ask for her number. I've always been the guy who is patient and grows on a woman. Kind of like a fungus. Okay, bad analogy.
Dangerous curves ahead

So, I'm feeling confident and I step to her and introduce myself. I'm very blunt with her with my intentions. "Nice to meet you, Bernice. Look... They're going to have our oil changed in roughly 10 minutes, so I won't waste your time with any nonsense. Rather than rush through everything I'd like to say to you, how about you allow me to say them over dinner and a movie?"

She didn't blink an eye as she said, "Sure" and reached into her purse for a pen to write down her number. Little did I know that this was one time I wish a woman had told me "no."

I called her that night (since I don't believe in that make-a-woman-sit-around-for-a-day-and-wait garbage) and she lived less than five minutes from me. I drive over and pick her up, but she says she wants to get dinner to go and just watch movies at my place. Of course, I'm all for it and we grab some fast food and head back to my place.

I pop in "Die Hard with a Vengeance" and we sit on the floor and start watching TV. 10 minutes into the movie, she asks me where my restroom is located. I lead her down the hall to it and then return to the den. As I'm sipping on my sweet tea, Bernice comes back into the room... naked.

"Where's your bedroom?," she asked.

I'm completely stunned, but I got up from the floor so quickly that I almost pulled a hamstring.

Later than morning, I take her home and she says she'll call me later the next day. As I'm driving home, I'm trying to piece together everything that happened. Like most 20-somethings, I've already convinced myself that I can't possibly date her long term because any woman that sleeps with a man on the first date isn't girlfriend material, right? Especially since her freaky meter was an 8 on a scale of 10, right?

A day or two go by and I get a call from Bernice. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Chillin'. Playing Playstation."

"Can I come over?"


10 minutes later, my doorbell rings. I answer the door and 20 minutes later we're right back at it. This goes on every other day for a few weeks. There's little-to-no talking or trying to get to know each other. Just a brief conversation and then a horizontal joyride. A man's dream, right? Here's where it turned into a nightmare...

Well, after a month of this, the doorbell rings one evening unexpectedly. I answer it and it's Bernice... with two kids. I stare in confusion, but then remember that her brother has kids, so I invite her in and think nothing of it. We sit around and chat for a few and she tells me once she gets the kids to sleep, we can go to the other room. I wasn't expecting her visit, but since I knew what was about to go down, I didn't think much of it. One of the kids walks over to her. She may have been close to 2 years old and says something that made my jaw drop: "Momma, I'm thirsty."
Did I mention my two kids?


"I didn't tell you that I had kids?"

"Kids? Both of these are yours?"

"Yeah. My bad. I thought I told you."

"How could you forget something like that? It's been a month!"

I stood up to go pour the child some apple juice, but my mind is racing all over the place wondering what I'd gotten myself into. I'm 25, single, fresh out of my parents' house with only a house note as a responsibility. I don't want an instant family. I don't want a girlfriend with one kid yet alone two!

While I'm in the kitchen, my phone rings, but I pay it no mind. Bernice sneaks a peek at the caller ID and sees a female's name. I get back into the room and I'm met with expletives from Bernice as she wants to know who it was that called me. "How are you going to have other hos calling here while I'm here? That's how people get cut!"

"Cut? Wait, whoa, why are you trippin'?"

I started wondering how I was going to get out of this. This chick was fine, but crazy. Showing up a month later with kids she never mentioned and now snapping on me about a female's name on my caller ID?

I look at the caller ID and it was my mom who called. Bernice and I had hung out for over a month and she didn't even know my last name to put 2 and 2 together to realize it was my mom calling. "That's my mom."

"Your mom?"

"Yes, my mom. Same last name. You don't even know my last name, do you?"

I show her my driver's license just to make sure she knew I was telling the truth. After all, she mentioned cutting someone earlier. I didn't want her to go Sweeney Todd on me. She sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I don't want any other women calling you."
"Bernice, I'm afraid you have to leave. We have trust issues going on here and I need some time alone."

Translation: "I'm scared and I'm 10 seconds from locking myself in the bathroom and calling the cops."

Surprisingly, she gets her things and leads the kids out the door without saying a word. I wish I could say that was the last time I saw her, but like I said, she was fine. We did kick it at least two more times before $50 came up missing out of my wallet one night and I knew I had to quit Bernice cold turkey. You would think I would have learned my lesson about getting to know someone before inviting them over to my house.

Boy, are you wrong if you think that I did... Squatlo was right.
(Part II coming soon)


  1. I ran into a "Bernice" of my own, jumped my bones on evening one, too. Kept coming over, and for the longest time I thought I'd met someone as kinky and horny as myself. Divorced, she tells me, and I reply, same here. I have kids, she says. Same here, I reply. We hump like bunnies for about a month, nothing between us but casual and interesting sex.
    Then one day I get a phone call, "Bernice" needs to talk. Says her husband is going to have me brought to court for a deposition for their divorce proceedings.
    "Husband? You said you were divorced!"
    "Yeah, well, technically, not quite."

    I called said husband that night (found the number) and explained that she had told me they were legally divorced, I had no idea, why are you dragging my ass into court? He explained that he wanted to have her determined to be an unfit mother, and that my testimony would do the trick.
    I assured him I wouldn't testify, even if it meant jail for contempt, because it wasn't the court's bidness and I had been misled. Their issues were their issues, and for what it was worth I wouldn't see her again, ever.

    They never called from the courthouse, she got the message and left me alone.

    Hey, "Pussy Makes You Stupid" is more than a slogan... it's a cautionary tale for anyone who doesn't already know that sad fact!

  2. I think everyone has had a Bernice (or Bernie for the straight female readers) in their life. Some people are just bat shit crazy.

  3. @ Squatlo - Wow, that is a crazy tale. It's a good thing she didn't have a jealous husband or anything. Going to court for that would have sucked, too. As for your slogan, you should have t-shirts made. LOL!

    @ Lawfrog - Fresh from Mexico! I hope you enjoyed your diving expeditions! And you're right about everyone having at least one. Some of my friends have done worse, but that was enough drama for me.

  4. I will forward this comment with a "It's 3:20 am and I'm drunk" but I have never been with a male version of a Bernice. I am anti kids. Love them but don't want them. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to find a single man in his 30's who DOESN'T have a kid? nearly impossible. It isn't fair. I don't want any baby mama drama. I don't want to share time/love with a kid. I don't want children.

    Anyone who sprung kids on me, didn't know my name, or suddenly had children showing up at their door is OUT for me. I can't imagine how I'd handle that! yikes...

    ps...did I mention I've been drinking too much to be commenting. Sorry if this makes no sense.

  5. @ Jewels - I understand you completely. I'm sure that it's next to impossible for you to find a 30-something without a kid and doesn't want kids.

    Now sleep it off. :)


Search This Blog

Share Me!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Pin It button on image hover