Torturing Telemarketers

A quick break in the action before the Fave 4 kicks off!

After reading A Daft Scots Lass' post and Thundercat's blog post on telemarketers, I decided to share a story myself.

Basically, I heard a story on the radio once about a guy who pulled this off, so I wanted to see if I could try it. I had no idea it would turn out as well as it did.

A lady calls my house. We will call her "Jenny." I don't even remember what she was selling, so we'll just say it was vinyl siding. She asked for the man of the house. I generally try to allow telemarketers to get their spill out since I know that most of them are used to hearing a "click" as soon as they start talking. She starts going on about siding and then the thought hits me to try what I'd recently heard someone on the radio did.

"Ma'am."

(She's still talking feeling I'm going to hang up.)

"Ma'am."

"Uh, yes?"

"I have to be honest with you. My wife is the jealous type. If she heard me talking to a woman, she may get upset. Is there a guy who works there that I can speak with instead? I know this is awkward, but I don't want to upset my wife."

Now, The Mrs. is far from the jealous type, but I had to get a guy on the phone to make this work.

"Wow. That's unusual, but I can respect that. Hold on, please?"

At this point, I can hear her explaining something to a guy and after close to 30 seconds, he gets on the phone. We'll call him "Steve."

"Hi, this is Steve."

"Hi, sir. Uh... This is really awkward, so I'm going to come out and say it, okay? Is Jenny nearby? I don't want you to say anything to her, just say 'yes' or 'no'."

Steve is completely confused, but complies. "Uh, yes, sir."

"Okay. Again, this is awkward, but here goes: Jenny called and we chatted for a bit. She sounded stressed, so I asked what was wrong. She then confided in me that she's been single for a while now and can't get noticed. I tried to pep her up, but it didn't work. She said the reason she's down is that someone at her job that she likes never seems to notice her. That someone is you."

"What?"

"Don't look at her, Steve! She's vulnerable right now. Anyway, I asked her to find an excuse to get you on the phone with me and I would find a way to hint around to you asking her out. Instead, I just decided to come out and tell you that she likes you. Wait. How does she look any way?"

"Good," he briefly replied not trying to tip her off to the conversation.

"Just good?"

"No, really good."

"Alright. Well, the ball is in your court. I'm not one to play matchmaker, but she seemed really into you and I just wanted to help. She was down-and-out and no woman should feel like that, you know?"

"That is so nice of you, sir. I really, really appreciate it, but..."

"Now, act like you're closing the sale and put Jenny back on. Take care, Steve and good luck."

He goes through his spill and puts Jenny back on to finish the call and make her sale. "Hello, sir, are we good now?"

"Jenny, this is going to be very awkward. Were you listening to the call?"

"No, sir. I was nearby, but not actively listening. I apologize..."

"No," I interrupted. "It's good that you were not listening. This is awkward, but, uh, Steve has a thing for you."

"What?"

"Don't ask how it came up because I couldn't tell you. But, I told him that I would try to find a round about way of getting you to notice him without being obvious. Well, since I suck at beating around the bush, I decided to come out and tell you. Is he still in the area?"

"Yes."

"Do you like him? Is he cute?"

"No, not really."

"You don't want to hurt his feelings, Jenny. He's in a weird place right now and you being nice to him could mean the difference in this man's life. Turn around and smile at him."

"Okay, this is a little weird. Is this some sort of..."

"Jenny, are you going to be another one of the selfish women he has to put up with regularly!!??? I didn't ask you to kiss him, I asked you to be a caring human being!"

Jenny sighs. After a couple of seconds of silence, she whispered, "I did it and he's looking at me all weird."

"Jenny, you just made that man's day. Going forward, you be nice to Steve and give him the confidence he needs to find himself a woman, do you understand me?"

"Sir, this is..."

"Jenny, do you understand me? Stop being so selfish! I just met you and I'm starting to not like you."

"Okay, you're right, you're right. I will be nice to him. I promise."

"That's what I want to hear. Think of someone other than yourself. You never know who needs just a little encouragement in their life."

"You're right, sir. So, about finalizing the sale for the vinyl siding for your home..."

"Yeah, not interested."

(Click)