Sunday, August 1, 2010

Drunk, Be Gone

I'm out and about last night and decide to stop into a gas station before heading home. It's 2 AM and me and The Mrs. decide that we want to get a soda before heading home. I have on my Lakers t-shirt because it's comfortable and I like to represent my sports teams. I'm walking into the Cefco on County Line Road and I'm greeted by a guy near the counter with a very slurred "whassup, mane?" as his eyes glance down towards my chest area where the Lakers logo is displayed.

"Oh, no", I'm thinking. "This drunk is getting ready to try to talk sports with me". So, here I am. Stuck in 'No Man's Land". I'm going to have to have a conversation with a drunk guy while I wait to purchase a couple of Diet Pepsis. Great.

At this point, the only thing going through my mind is "how drunk is he?"

"Kobe is gonna be ready for dem boys in Miami, mane!" he blurts out as he proceeds to offer me "some dap".

Great. He's really drunk. "Yeah, I think L.A. has at least one more ring in them before the Heat get it together".

"I know, right! I know. Check it. Check it... Check it... Phil Jasson didn't even try last year and the Lakers still won. Imagine if he try".

"Uh, yeah. If Phil Jackson keeps L.A. stays healthy and focused, they're still the best team in the League".

"My, mane. I'm tryna tell e'rbody that. My mane. Mane... You got on the right shirt, mane".

At this point, I just smile and slowly back away while making a memo to myself: "Don't wear sports-related paraphernalia during late nights".

Sports has an uncanny way of bringing people together. I get that. But the only thing worse than a drunk who likes your team is one who doesn't.

Wearing a Cowboys t-shirt a week or so ago. Drunk guy sees it and immediately proceeds to tell me how much Tony Romo sucks.

"Man, y'all ain't gonna never win til y'all git rid of Tony Homo!" he shouted.

Wow. A gay slur? Really? Why does everyone hate on Romo any way? Obviously these are people who watch ESPN highlights more than they do the actual game. They haven't a clue on what they're talking about. They're only regurgitating what they heard some hack on ESPN say.

Anyway, I just smiled and tried to walk by as I grabbed a Pepsi Max from the cooler. "Hey! Hey! Hey! How bout dem Saints!!!???" he quipped as he lets out a hearty laugh.

Again, I smile and then start praying that the line of three people move a little bit faster as I approach the counter.

"Hey! Hey!" I hear behind me as I give a huge sigh of frustration knowing that I'm not going to be able to leave without talking to this drunk.

"Yeah?" as I turned around.

"Y'all will never win with Homo at quarterback".

"Romo", I started with a noticeable emphasis on his name, "is not our problem. He was two or three years ago, but he wasn't last year. Our offensive line didn't protect him".

Now I'm mad at myself because I'm just realizing that I'm engaging in a debate with a drunk.

"Homo sucks and Dallas sucks!"

Wow. Excellent debate, dude. I can't top that one, now can I? At this point, I'm considering shoplifting just to get out of the store. LOL! Okay, not really, but I'm hoping to pay for my drinks and make my way to the exit before he can think of something else to say.

I pay for everything and I don't even wait for my 13 cents in change. Out the door I go. Faster than Clive Owen leaving the bank in "Inside Man".

Immediately, as I reach the sanctuary of my driver's seat, I start to feel bad for every woman who goes to a nightclub, looking to enjoy socializing with friends and dancing, only to be accosted by drunk guy with tight eyes and wet lips due to being on the verge of slobbering. Sucks for you.

I know how I'm going to try to avoid late-night drunk guy going forward, I'm going to buy some plain t-shirts next weekend. Free of sports logos.

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