Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Soap Has An Aisle By Itself

I was assaulted this past weekend.

No, not like you think. Not physically, but by smell.

I had a woman stand next to me at a gas station and she smelled worse than anything I could imagine on a female.

"What in the world is that?" is what I first thought to myself when she got in line with a bag of chips in her hand. "Oh my goodness! Is that the woman behind me? There's no way a woman could smell like this!"

While these thoughts raced through my mind, the guy in front of me took notice. Of course he immediately turns and looks at me like I'm the culprit. I give him that look like, "man, you got the wrong one!"

How could a woman smell that badly? Now, curiosity is getting the best of me because I just have to turn around and get a better look at her. I start to realize that it appears as if she had just left a night club.

She has on a body dress that's tighter than a pair Chuck Norris' jeans. Her aroma was a mixture of Paris Hilton perfume and Black & Mild cigars. Her breath kicked harder than "The Transporter".

How can a grown woman, who most men hold in high regards as being the epitome of cleanliness, smell like she needed an autopsy?

By now, the guy ahead of me is staring at me as if he's positive I'm the cadaver in the building. Again I look at him and try to guide him with my eyes to the lady behind me.

He's not buying it. Great. Now he's probably online blogging about me.

Anyway, I get to the counter, take a deep breath and take out my wallet to pay for my Pepsi Max. I start to think about what my friend, Shawn, once said to a guy during a basketball game a decade ago. After realizing that dude was a tad bit "ripe", he said, "Man, soap has an aisle by itself."

I almost laughed out loud just thinking about that.

Imagine being the guy in the club who approached her to dance... "Hey, girl! Do you want to... (sniff), uh... (pulling cell out of pocket)... uh, I gotta get this!"

How many people thought there was a gas leak in the club? There's no reason a woman should ever smell like that unless she's on a coroner's table. Here's a decent-looking woman smelling like "who did it and what for"?

I just pray the bag of chips in her hand weren't Chili Cheese Fritos.


  1. Oh man! I am cracking up over here! I had the same thing happen to me on the bus. My friend and I were being lazy the other day and took a bus up a hill to her apartment from the SI Ferry. It's only about three blocks, but they're basically vertical, so we allowed ourselves this.

    Well, we were deep in a conversation when a woman got on walked right over to stand next to us and we both just went silent in the middle of our conversation. We simply didn't want any of the off-gases coming from this body making it into our mouths and I think my friend was doing her best not to use her nose to breathe just like me.

    I let one bus stop go, but at the second stop I turned to my friend and said, "This is it right?" She pushed me out the door! Of course, our luck, the WOMAN GOT OFF RIGHT BEHIND US! We were still blocks away from her apartment but we NEEDED the fresh air.

    We didn't get far before my friend just burst out and said, "my GOD!"

    It was horrendous!

    I feel your pain.

    All the questions you ask here, we asked each other that day. I felt bad for the woman, but simply could not understand how she got that way - it wasn't a hot day or anything.

    I don't even think she knew...

  2. LOL @ Nicole! At least I wasn't trapped. I could have left the store at any time. I feel for you and your friend because you all had nowhere to go until the next stop. Thanks for stopping in.


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