Sunday, September 25, 2011

TQ Presents... @Ida_homie

It's vacation time in the Q household.  The Mrs. has a birthday coming up this weekend, so I've decided to put my posting duties down and spend some extra time with her this week.  I generally try to put out three blog posts per week, but from time-to-time, I get caught up with other things: The Mrs., work, football, etc. So, I figured, why not solicit some of my favorite bloggers to take up the slack for me. Yeah, that's right, I can facilitate my blogging duties to others! How lazy wonderful is that?

So, I've asked Brandon from My Own Private Idaho to grace my blog with his wit! If you're unfamiliar with Mr. Lost in Idaho, he's been in the blogging game for less than a year, but has managed to attract more followers than a Kardashian. Mainly because of the number of topics he discusses along with the Tosh.0-esque humor that goes with it. Well, I'll let him do his thing...

"Sexting 101"

As you know, smartphones and hi-res cameraphones are making it easier and easier to share tawdry photos with one another. (Example: Scarlett Johansson’s recent headlines) We, as a society, have gone from phone sex to text-message sex to sexting (sending nude pictures to each other) all in the course of a few years.

But this isn’t news to you. You’ve probably done it. I have. It’s fun, sexy, and (when done right) a great way to spice things up.

What I would like to help with, however, is making sure you don’t look like an idiot doing it. Guys, this post is for you, to help you sext with the best of them.

Now, the female form is a beautiful thing, and translates well into pictures. They have a lot of features that are sexy: Legs, butt, breasts, etc. A woman can take a picture of any part, at any angle and make it look insanely hot.

Guys don’t have a lot going for them. I’m an overweight guy, so taking a picture of my beer belly or man boobs is going to scare a woman away.  I have one part that looks sexy, and only one.

I’ll give you a hint… if you ask TOAR, it looks like raw chicken

Yes, the man muscle. The disco stick, the pocket rocket, the one-eyed wonder weasel. Whatever you’ve named yours, it is your greatest asset in the sexting game. And if you can take the right picture, you can impress your friend on the receiving end, to make her *on* the receiving end.

A word of warning: 4 pictures out of 5 will look unflattering. You know the saying “Objects in mirror may seem smaller?” Yeah. Like that.


She doesn’t look impressed, does she?



Yeah, she definitely isn’t impressed…


Learn the art of angles. Learn to take up the entire screen. Try to make it seem powerful. Intimidating. Something your text-mate would actually desire.

I’m 5’10”. My trouser-tackle is one-tenth of the size of the rest of me, and even smaller when asleep. (I’m a grower, not a shower…) Add a gut to the mix, and I could come across as looking like I’m packing a tater-tot, or hung like a Crayola. If I’m sexting a girl, trying to woo her into bed, she isn’t going to be turned on if it looks like she’s not going to be able to feel a thing…

Long story short, use trial and error.  If you have a female friend with an objective opinion, ask for feedback. Or, when in doubt, watch this video from Saturday Night Live:



Next guest post... TOAR. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

14 comments:

  1. Pffff... Daniel Tosh has a writing team, a graphics team, and dozens of people helping him look good.

    I roll solo, bro-lo...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah but Tosh is actually funny........ JK JK LOVE YOU!

      Delete
  2. LOL @ Lost In Idabro! And with your new-found Thai Massage body wash, the ladies think you smell good in the process, too, huh?

    Thanks for doing the guest post. I think it's great.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How did I miss that SNL clip!? Hilarious and oh so true. There have been times (I'm a lady so I won't say how many) where I have finally come to see the real thing and it is not as pictured. Then there are those rare few who downplay the size and have you crossing your legs in fear.

    If you don't think there is an art form to taking good sexting pictures as a woman you are dead wrong...getting the breast to perk just right, the stomach to look flatter, the labia to lay just right...well it takes a little "fluffing" and tricks as well.

    Ok...I'm sharing way too much...exhaustion has taken over. Great post though Lost in!

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  4. @ Jewels - Fluffing? You've turned a sexting post into porn. LOL!

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  5. @Jewels: I've seen a few ladies like that. Using the art of flattering angles to their advantage. You finally see the real thing and you go "Did you gain 20lb since last week?" or "Where did that gigantic mole come from?"

    I'm not a big fan of lying through sexting. If this is a first impression, be flattering but be honest. Just, yeah... If a girl thinks I'm 3 inches smaller or larger than I really am, there's going to be some 'splainin to do...

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  6. I guess I'm of the mindset of why sext it at all? If you want to see what I'm working with, then you'll have to see it in person. At least let me see the expression on your face when I disappoint you. LOL!

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  7. I could have used this advice earlier... Oh well. Back to the drawing board, I guess.

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  8. Oh god, this post is hilarious!

    I demand more risque posts with all the authority of an intelligent fifteen-year-old.

    And I'm sure you have a nice penis.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @ Lemons - LOL! I'm assuming that you're talking about Brandon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Damn man, the post that keeps on giving...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No doubt! You're a legend on this site. I guess "sexting" is popular in Google searches.

      Delete

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