Thursday, May 12, 2011

The Real Blogger Shore's Amazing Undercover Idol - Part III

It's on like Donkey Kong!

A crazy idea that came about during a blog roll has come to fruition...

The Real Blogger Shore's Amazing Undercover Idol Show has aired its first two episodes!

Here's the setup:

(What follows is a fictional account of a reality show based upon the lives and interactions of a group of bloggers from around the country who are brought together to share a luxury log home in the mountains of Helena, Montana. Each of these very talented writers has agreed to share part of their time and creativity by advancing the story-line of this fictional reality show in turns, following one another’s lead and taking the story wherever their twisted little minds want it to go. Readers who want to follow along are encouraged to visit each of these blogs frequently to keep up with the tale as it progresses, and comments, suggestions, and snarky remarks are welcome! The following “cast” of misfits will share a beautiful mansion, where they will live together, interact, and try to write while putting up with the annoying people who suddenly clutter up their lives:

Sonia from LogAllot, Quincy from Thank, Q for Common Sense, Michelle W. from Mommy Confessions, Michelle R. from Rantings of the Reckmonster, Lynn from Thoughts of A Randomista, Falen from Colorful Rants of A Fed Up Sista, Brandon from My Own Private Idaho, and Alexandra from the Tsaritsa sez. The show’s very reluctant host is Bob from Squatlo Rant.)

Now don't start reading Part III without starting from scratch. I promise you that it will be worth it!

Squatlo Rant: The Real Blogger Shores Amazing Undercover Idol: Part I
LogAllot: The Real Blogger Shores Amazing Undercover Idol: Part II

So, we all decide to head up to the rooms. I'm totally not feeling sleepy because I'm out of town in a place I've never been before and I just got here. I want to see Helena. "Yo, B?"

"What's up, Q?" Brandon asked while plodding up the stairs.

"I want to get out on the town," I started, "It's barely 10 o'clock and I'm nowhere near sleepy."

"Say the word," Brandon said seeming excited, "what's up?"

"Who cares?" I said. "We can go to whatever is open. I don't care if it's an IHOP or night club. But, we have to follow the rules Bob laid down. We have to travel in at least a group of three or more."

"I'm always down with a threesome, but who?" Brandon asks as he starts pulling out some blue jeans from his suitcase.

I walk over to the intercom system and hit the "Page" button. Warren responds, "How may I help you?"

"Warren, fire up the limo. Me, Brandon, and one of the ladies are stepping out."

Now, the common sense approach would be to take either Michelle W. or Sonia. They would probably be the safest of the bunch. But, this experience isn't about being "safe." It's about "exciting." I select one of the other buttons on the intercom. "What?" answers the voice of someone obviously annoyed with the fact that she's being disturbed.

"Reckmonster, grab your coat... we're hitting the town." A huge smile crosses my face while a look of concern crosses Brandon's.

Less than three minutes later, Reck comes down wearing black leather boots, a black pair of jeans, and a white button-down. "Let's roll." she says as she brushes past me and Brandon.

Warren opens the limo door and we all pile in. "Where to, sir?"

Brandon replies, "The most popular bar in town."

12 minutes later, we arrive at Tall Tails. It's a huge ranch-looking establishment at the edge of town. 4x4 Trucks and SUV's are lined up for two blocks. "Yo, Warren," I started. "I don't need to be concerned here, do I?"

"This is the most popular bar in town, sir. Everyone comes here."

"Well, I'm the only brotha in town, so I need to know I can step in here without fear of being the 'guest of honor.' I don't want to be like Eddie Murphy on 48 Hours. I don't have a badge."

"No worries, sir. It's perfectly on the up-and-up. Besides, we have two African-American players on the university's basketball team and they frequent here."

"Great," I think. "A total of three black men in a 500 mile radius. I feel so comfortable now."

We walk in as Warren pulls off in the limo. He's agreed to pick us back up in an hour. As we entered the building, Brandon mutters, "I wonder why it's called 'Tall Tails'?"

The last word trailed from his lips as we walked into the lounge and saw a plethora of scantily-cladded Amazon women serving drinks. The name of the bar comes from the fact that every waitress in the building is 6'0" or over... without heels. "No way," Brandon says as he spins around the room taking it all in. "Getting served drinks by a room full of Xena Warrior Princesses? I'm so moving to Helena!"

"Whatever. Height is overrated!" Reckmonster barks as her 5'0" frame pushes past me and Brandon on her way to the bar.

Brandon grabs a table and before I can sit down, I'm approached by a 6'1" blonde who asks me for a drink. Being that I'm only 5'6", I quickly appreciate my height as it had me eye-level with ample cleavage. "My name is Helga and I'll be your server."

Somehow I knew that was her name. Aren't all viking chicks named that? Reck makes her way back to the table and the three of us sit back and observe. Tonight is karaoke night and every drunk in Helena is taking turns singing songs from the 80's and 90's. People in the bar are dressed in everything from a hunting vest to an Armani suit. It appears many different classes of people are represented from farmers to CEO's.

Reck seems at ease sipping on her mixed drink and Brandon is downing the first of many planned beers. I'm working on a Diet Pepsi since I've never really been much of a drinker. 30 minutes go by and we're still fascinated by the karoke. Then the DJ announces the next act: "Your next performer is a budding new star on the reality circuit as well as an up-and-coming rapper. Put your hands together for The Tsaritsa!"

Brandon spits out his beer as we all look to the stage and Alexandra floats out and grabs the mic. Before I could say, "How did she get here?" here comes the rest of our group to the table.

"Why didn't you tell us you were leaving?" Lynn asked. "We didn't want to sit around all night either."

"Yeah, " Falen chimed. "I'll sacrifice sleep for a drink any day. Even if a blonde giraffe is serving them."

We pull up more chairs for Sonia and Michelle W to join the table. "We thought you all were tired, so we didn't ask," Brandon explained.

Alexandra cues the DJ to drop the beat and she starts performing Young MC's "Bust A Move." The people in attendance really got into it as the dance floor filled up within a matter of seconds. "Looks like our 'free spirit' is a hit!" Michelle W said.

"Don't just stand there... Bust A Move!"

For a split second, we were all getting along and enjoying ourselves as a group. Then things took a turn for the worse. A huge, burly, mustached, looked-like-he-belonged-on-a-paper-towel-wrapper, Paul Bunyan wanna be ducked his head as he entered the door. People started whispering, "It's Grizz!"

Grizz was a 6'10", 345 lb. felon fresh out of jail... and he wanted a woman. This guy was so big that he came into the room in sections. "W-w-what can I get you, Grizz?" one of the bartenders asked while spilling a drink.

"Let me get a Jack and Coke and hold the Coke!" he said with a voice that makes James Earl Jones sound like Dakota Fanning.

I asked Helga who the guy was. "Grizz is the meanest guy in town. He got his nickname from killing a grizzly bear when he was 10."

"With a weapon?" I asked.

"Yes, he had a boat oar," Helga replied.

"He bludgeoned a bear with a boat paddle!!!!???" I yelled.

"I think I just pissed myself," Brandon said.

Falen and Lynn giggled at the statement which caught the Grizz's attention. "Outsiders," he mumbled. "I haven't been in jail long enough to not know new faces when I see them."

He walked over to our table with two other guys in tow. He squats down in front of Michelle and strokes her cheek. "You're a newbie in these parts, aren't you, sugar?"

"Don't touch me!" Michelle snapped as she slapped his hand away.

Grizz turned to his friends and laughed which apparently was their cue to laugh as well. "We got a feisty one here, don't we, fellas?"

"Look, man," Brandon started. "We don't want any trouble. We're just having a few drinks."

"Did I say something to you, choir boy!!!!???" Grizz screamed. "I was speaking to the lady! This is none of your concern."

"Didn't you hear what he said?" Falen added as her and Reck stood up from their chairs.

"You know we're going to die in here, right?" Sonia asked me. "I'm calling Warren! Wait. Where's Lynn?"

I stood up from my chair. Inspired by Brandon, Falen, and Reck, I knew I had to take a beat down with the rest of the crew. After all, despite the fact that we'd just met in person, I felt like I knew them. I read their inner-most thoughts on their blogs and understood what made them tick. Arguments or not, we were a family. No matter how often Falen stole my chicken or Michelle nagged me for shrimp. These were my people. "Unless you want to go back to jail," I said with a lump in my throat, "I suggest you, Darryl, and his other brother, Darryl, walk away."

"Who are you guys anyway?" Grizz inquired with a look of confusion.

Then, from out of nowhere, Lynn crashes down a full bottle of Jack Daniels to the back of Grizz's neck. "Bloggers, mother******!" she screamed as the huge man fell to his knees.

Before he was completely on the ground, we scattered for the door like roaches when the lights are turned on. I grabbed Alexandra off stage and we all rushed to he awaiting limo. As we piled in virtually on top of one another, Warren floored it and got us away from the building. We never looked back to see if Grizz got up.

Sonia started laughing, albeit a nervous laugh. The rest of us eventually joined in with her. "You nuts are going to get me killed," Reck smirked.

"And they act like I'm the crazy one," Falen added. "Lynn, what possessed you to go John Wayne on that fool?"

"I thought it was part of the show. Wasn't he an actor?" she asked.

"Is she serious!!!???" Brandon screamed. "Show? This isn't a Lifetime movie, this is real!"

I just shook my head as I looked out of the tinted limo window at the full moon. Some how, I knew deep down inside that it would not be the last time we would see Grizz. Helena is too small to not encounter someone big enough for his shoulders to cover two zip codes. I just hoped that he would be the type to not hold a grudge. But, some how I doubt that, too.

We arrived back to the mansion. Michelle is visibly upset. The time zone change has thrown off her schedule and she missed saying "good night" to her kids. Sonia, Lynn, and Falen comfort her and take her upstairs. Reck looks at me and Brandon and says, "You guys are halfway fun to hang around."

"Was that a smile?" I asked.

"Nah," Brandon replied, "I think she was snarling."

Reck's boot steps slowly faded upstairs as Brandon and I stood in the living room. "You know we're going to see that dude again, don't you?" I asked.

"Yeah," he started. "With my luck, it's bound to happen before we leave. What will we do if we see him?"

I sighed and took a deep breath before answering, "All we can do is hope there's a boat oar lying around some where."

Michelle continues the story below at Once you get there, click "Follow" so that you will receive future posts via e-mail or Google Reader.
Mommy Confessions: The Real Blogger Shores Amazing Undercover Idol: Part IV


  1. This was awesome!! I love that the townies are getting in on the action too, even if it means a bottle of Jack to their neck!

    And nice screenshot of me :/ haha

  2. Oh yeah!! Go me!! I don't give a fuck how big dude is!! Next time I'm smacking him with a wet marlin fish!

  3. I'm getting scared.... these bitches are nuts! ;-)

  4. LMAO! OMG! That was so funny. Q, that was perfect. I was rolling laughing at work...the part where you said we scattered like "roaches" when the lights turned on, had me in tears. Nice touch!


  5. Michelle, I think we should all be afraid. People who aren't afraid to write anything definitely aren't afraid to say anything!

  6. Wow, I'm turning out to be just a little bitch, aren't I? =P

    I loved this post! It's about time we get out and see the wildlife!

    And lol at the karaoke. I went out Tuesday night to a karaoke bar, and people were singing The Little Mermaid and some shit. I was waiting for Alex to start singing "Under da Sea..."

  7. Best post of the series, so far! Way to go, Quincy!!!

  8. Okay, you assholes are starting to piss me off... I've just gotten a call from Helena's finest, and they want to know the access code to the front gate because, apparently, one of you broke a bottle over the head of a troglodyte in town. According to Lt. Oliver, I can either give them the access code and let them serve a warrant or they're going to take down the gate with a backhoe and arrest everyone on the grounds.
    Thing is, I can't remember the fucking code for the gate. Hell, I didn't even know we HAD a locked gate! Warren is in charge of opening and closing that thing whenever we travel in or out... And Warren left after dropping you miscreants off at the house.
    Listen, if the cops take down my gate with a bulldozer, you loony-goons are paying for a replacement!
    Who the hell told you to go into town and start a brawl with Bigfoot, anyway!

    My lovely (and dangerous) wife is glaring at me again, and those little veins are bugging out on her neck, which usually means I'm about to get the frosty treatment for the next couple of days... and it's not because of anything I've done, this time.
    One of you go down to the gate, explain yourselves to the riot squad before the villagers show up with torches and pitchforks.

    heavy sigh... I KNEW this was a mistake...

  9. Brandon, your stood your ground, dude. Bob, I vote that Michelle explains what happened to the cops. After all, Frizz wanted her anyway.


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