Explode or Implode: The Building is Still Coming Down #Stress

I visited New Orleans over an extended Memorial Day weekend and took so much from my four day stay.  Despite my 20 or 30-something visits to The Big Easy, for the first time I got to interact with the locals and see a side I've never seen before.  I had plenty of cajun/creole cooking, took a steamboat ride down the Mississippi River, enjoyed a Second Line band, and more.

However, one thing really stood out to me on my trip was a visit to a church on that Sunday morning.  The pastor's sermon fell in line with one of my recent blog posts called "The Burden of the Stress Catcher".  It was as if he was speaking directly to me.  Needless to say, I was very attentive and could identify with almost every point he was making.

He talked about how people who are relied upon the most are usually the last to receive help themselves.  I thought about how often I come to the aid of people for so many things.  Most of them are small contributions, but they're contributions all the same.  I do it for the "thank you's" because I really don't expect much else from people other than that.

Although those who know me well would probably jokingly disagree, I am human.  I have feelings.  I deal with problems and turmoil in life.  But I rarely feel like I'm able to express those feelings to anyone.  Most people in my life are so used to me being "the strong one" that they rarely notice (or care) that something is bothering me.  And even if they get an inclination that something is wrong, they may ask "what's wrong?", but if I say "nothing" because I'm uncomfortable discussing it at that time then the conversation pretty much ends there.

One thing that I do better than anyone that I know is read people.  I know what makes people tick and I use that to determine their moods.  Being able to see that someone is in need of something coupled with my willingness to help people almost compels me to step in and try to make things better when things are bad.  I always want to help fix the problem.  The downside is that I know that person won't be there for me in the same capacity or will let me down in an attempt to do so.  Yet I still put forth the effort to brighten their day.

7 days a week I've done this since as long as I can remember.  In work life or home life I'm making someone smile.  I'll see that someone appears to be down and I may compliment them to cheer them up.  I'll notice someone with a confused look and I'll ask questions to see if I can help.  You can't help everyone, but it's comforting to them to know that someone at least thought enough of them to try.

Someone once told me that is the reason I have no known enemies.  Because I've probably helped them, too, in some shape, form, or fashion.  Yet to express how I feel, blogging is the safest venue for me to vent.  It prevents me from potentially offending anyone, or having to listen to unsolicited advice, or avoid having someone try and one-up my problems with one of their own.  The latter I encounter regularly because I'm supposed to be "the strong one," right?  My problems don't matter.  Some people seem to think that I can deal with my problems on my own so they gloss over mine and present me theirs.

Despite all of my rantings, I'm not without loved ones.  There are people in my life who care for me and want to see me happy.  It's unfair of me to expect them to read my moods as easily as I read theirs.  You have to really be in tune with people to realize that something is off and my personality is  difficult to figure out.

I maintain a positive attitude because that is what keeps me going.  I can be extremely sad or mad and not always show it because I don't like for either of those emotions to dominate my life for long periods of time.  To not be that way is to rely on society to bail me out of my bad feelings and I can't take a chance on them accepting that challenge.  Even when I'm "not feeling myself" people would assume that I'm simply just tired before they would assume that I'm stressed.  And even if I did open up to someone, would they be unbiased or would they be judgmental?  I usually encounter one if not both when presenting problems to people.  That's why it's easier to keep certain things to myself and figure it out on my own.

But, the one thing the pastor said on Sunday that really resonated with me was this: "Regardless if it explodes or implodes, the building is still coming down.  Let it out."  He was referring to keeping stress pinned up inside of ourselves.  Either you can explode in anger or allow it to slowly kill you inside, but either way your temple will be destroyed.

I've got to work on preserving my temple.  Just a few weeks ago I posted about how I've embraced being people's"stress catcher" over the years and now I'm realizing that someone needs to catch mine now and then!

I've got to stop allowing my happiness to be dictated by other people's happiness.  I have to find more people I trust enough to ask for help when I need someone to listen to me.  I've got to stop getting the short end of the stick and focus on myself before "my building" starts to crumble.  Because although I'm looking out for others, others aren't always looking out for me.

The Burden of the Stress Catcher

What is a "stress catcher"? One who is the designated listener to everyone's problems. Yep. That's me. I remember being in 3rd grade and sitting in the school cafeteria. A classmate of mine was sitting across from me and she looked distraught. She had big blue eyes and frizzy blonde hair. We never really talked that much, but she was one of the more popular girls in school. I made the mistake of asking her a two word question: "What's wrong?"

Five minutes later I was privy to her "boyfriend problem." Of course, 9 year olds had different "boyfriend problems" back in the 70's than the 9 year olds do today. She was upset that he didn't carry her books like some of the other boys did for their girlfriends. None of this resulted in me offering any advice or anything. All I did was listen and empathize and my unofficial stress catching career was a go. 30+ years later I'm doing the same thing.

I'm the go-to-guy when people have problems. From ages 13 to 53, I've heard so many stories just within the past year alone. 75% of the time they want my opinion.  I try to be open, honest, and unbiased.  I rarely sugar-coat anything because the direct truth is sometimes needed.  The other 25% of the time I just sit, listen, and console if applicable.

The downside to all of that is that people will always view me as their "rock" or "problem solver." Because of that they will never ask me "what's wrong?" when I'm going through something.  So I've learned that when something is going on in my life that I need to speak up.  I volunteer information because I rarely get asked the question, "what's wrong?"  And who can blame people for not asking?  I'm always the one who's smiling.  I guess they think, "How could he ever possibly have a bad day?"

But, that's the burden of a "stress catcher."  Although it can be difficult at times, I'm good with it. Everyone has a purpose in life and I know that one of my purposes is to be a "stress catcher." To help people carry the load so that they can acquire just a little more happiness in their life.

There will always be a sign outside of my door that states, "The Dr. is in."

Managing Day-to-Day Stress

Your alarm goes off.  You hit the button and look at the clock.  It's 6:00 AM and Tuesday.  The first thing that hits your mind before your feet hit the floor is that you have a 1/4 tank of gas left.  You walk into the bathroom trying to wipe the sleep from your eyes.  You look in the mirror only to have your focus disrupted when your child reminds you of a field trip on Thursday.  She will need $10 for the trip.

You say, "okay" and now try to figure out what you need to do to accommodate that $10 for the field trip.  At the same time, you're trying to coordinate all of your errands on your way to work so that you can take care of it all in one trip and save gas.

You finally get dressed, grab a bite to eat for breakfast and head out the door.  As you watch your kid board the bus, you turn around and look at your car only to see that your back, left tire is on a flat.  You're almost brought to tears as you pop the trunk to get the spare.

Thirty minutes later the tire is changed and you're on your way to work a few minutes late.  Now you have to get your tire fixed on top of the $10 for the field trip and having to make it until Friday on 1/4 tank of gas.  You're going to skip lunch today because that's where your daughter's $10 for her trip will come from.

You get to work and your trifling coworker has been slacking and causing you more work.  You can't say anything to him because his uncle is the boss at your branch.  He pretty much has a lifetime immunity at the job despite the fact that he's non-productive.  You have to smile and deal with his shenanigans.  

After a full day of work, you're hungry due to skipping lunch, but it's only three minutes until quitting time.  Your day is almost over!  But, your desk phone rings.  It's an irate client and he keeps you on the phone for an additional 30 minutes after quitting time.

You finish up at work and finally head home.  Traffic is bad, but it gives you an opportunity to figure out a game plan for dinner.  Is there enough in the refrigerator to generate a decent meal or will you need to stop by the store?  You decide to head on home and cook what's there.  You've made something out of nothing before.

You arrive home, cook, eat, and finally sit down for the evening.  It's 7:30 PM and you just want to watch some TV and unwind until your daughter comes in the room with that look she gives when she's in trouble.  Her science project is due tomorrow and she needs some supplies from Office Depot.

You do everything within your power to not curse as you grab your shoes and keys to take her to the store.  You've told her time-and-time again not to wait until the last minute, but she's a kid.  That's what they do.  If you only had a spouse to help manage things it would be so much easier.  But, it's just you and your daughter.

After coming back from Office Depot and spending $27 that you really didn't have, you start her on the project and eventually make your way towards the bedroom.  It's almost 9 PM and you're exhausted.  You plop on the bed and before you know it, you're out like a light...

Your alarm goes off.  You hit the button and look at the clock.  It's 6:00 AM and Wednesday.  The first thing that hits your mind before your feet hit the floor is that you have less than a 1/4 tank of gas left.  You walk into the bathroom trying to wipe the sleep from your eyes.  You look in the mirror only to have your focus disrupted when your child reminds you of a field trip tomorrow.  You give her $10 for the trip.

You now try to figure out what you need to do to compensate for the $27 you spent on that Office Depot visit you made last night.  At the same time, you're trying to coordinate all of your errands on your way to work so that you can take care of it all in one trip and save gas

You finally get dressed, grab a bite to eat for breakfast and head out the door.  As you watch your kid board the bus, you turn around and look at your car only to see that spare tire still on the back, left of your car and it's two more days until pay day. 

Some people live a life very similar to this.  Every day is a new struggle as they wake up to take on the world.  There's not enough money being paid on jobs and corporate greed is slowly strangling a lot of American citizens.  Married couples and co-parenting appear to be a dying breed.  So, one person is taking on so much responsibility when it comes to raising kids.  Simple things like school projects, gas, car maintenance, awful co-workers, or even sitting in traffic all build pressure within our minds.

If we don't find a way to release the pressure, then our heads will explode.  You can release that pressure by having a hobby.  Read a book, play an instrument, paint, jog, go fishing see a movie, whatever.  If that's not enough then talk to a friend to vent a little.

And if push comes to shove then absolutely do not hesitate to speak to someone qualified to help you find ways to reduce that stress.  Call (888) 866-7561 to reach the 24 hour stress counseling support line at CrisisSupport.org.  E-mail counselor and a friend of mine, Brandy J. Flynn, if you want more of a personal touch.  Talk to a life coach like Veronica Cuyugan to help prioritize your life if that's what is needed.

The bottom line is this: if you don't find a way to release that pressure then it will consume you.  I guarantee you that it will.  Seeking help is not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  What's more embarrassing: losing your mind at work and curling up in the fetal position under your desk or speaking to someone in confidence who can help you roll with the punches until you get back on your feet?

Think about it, but don't take too long.  It's not a hard decision.  No one should have to live the above story everyday like a bad "Groundhog Day" sequel.  Take charge of your life by finding a way to free your mind.

Ladies, Your Bodies Are Perfect!

Too often ladies in relationships have complained about their looks.  I get that.  We men are visual creatures, so we appreciate good-looking women.  But, some women take things too far.  You buy into what they're selling on TV and in the magazines and you short-change yourself.

Don't do it.

First of all, I'm not saying don't exercise or anything like that.  Exercise has benefits for what's inside your body as much as it does your outside.  It is very important, but don't think it should be a full-time job and lose hair over it.  Besides, if you're in a relationship, then the only person you should focus on pleasing (besides yourself) is your mate.

If your significant other is happy, then why get depressed over how your body looks?  Sure, it helps to be happy with yourself, but your significant other is supposed to make you feel sexy.  If they're doing their job, then there's no need to stress about losing a few pounds or having a rounder butt or whatever it is that you think you need.  Besides, many women only need "enhancements."

• Maybe your makeup doesn't compliment you.  You don't want to look like Ronald McDonald.
• It could be that you don't wear clothes that truly fit your body type.  Can't shop at Wet Seal with a Lane Bryant body.  
• It's possible that you need to step your shoe game up.  Sneakers probably shouldn't be an everyday option for women over 21.

There are plenty of "tweaks" that most women can make that can significantly enhance their look.  I've seen too many examples of "the girl next door" turning into a Hollywood starlet almost over night.  That could be you if you simply take time to honestly evaluate yourself to determine what would accent your look.

Don't stress.  Don't spend money on unnecessary surgeries.  Don't kill yourself in the gym.

A lot of you may not think that you have the perfect body, but you're perfect for someone and that is what's important!  Embrace what you have and if you need to "fine tune" yourself, then do so.  But, be happy with who you are and stop letting society dictate what is beautiful.

A good man wants a good woman.  If she looks like a model, then great, but the main thing is that she's good for him.  We do want you to look good, but we only care about our standards.  My lady doesn't have to be a perfect 10.  She just has to be perfect for me.

Do we put way too much focus on trying to look like what we see on TV and magazine covers?

Don't believe the hype.