We Can Stop Domestic Violence With Parenting

It's just that simple.  Teaching your son and/or daughter not to put their hands on other people can go a long way towards healing lives instead of ruining them.  Now, I'm taking mental health issues out of the equation here.  I'm talking about the natural ability that most of us have to walk away from negative situations.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from someone about a friend of mine whose husband killed her.  I won't dwell on the how and why because it's not relevant to my blog post.  I'll just say this much about her: she was an advocate against domestic violence and even wrote books about it (I reviewed one of them here).  She was someone who was beyond sweet to me and to never be able to hug her again truly hurts.

But, back to the topic at hand.  Society has to do better.  Domestic violence is something we can all have a hand in stopping if we simply take the time to educate.

Men should not be taught that it is never okay to violently put your hands on a woman unless it's a life or death situation.  Either restrain her until you can get to safety or flee the situation.  I've seen domestic abuse up close and personal and I know the affects it can have on not just the victim, but their loved ones as well.  Domestic abuse can be a cycle started by a father who unknowingly teaches his son that it's okay to do it and to his daughter that it's okay to endure it.

Women should be taught that it's never okay to hit men unless it's a life or death situation.  There are some women in society who take advantage of the fact that a man is not supposed to hit them.  This emboldens them into attacking him and daring him to retaliate and risk him possibly being arrested.  Don't do it, ladies.

1. It's not right to hit him knowing that he won't hit back.  
2. Some guys will hit back and they may hit harder than you!

All I pray is that everyone who reads this decides to sit their son/daughter down and stress to them the options that they have other than assault.  I don't care how old they are right now.  Do it!  Let them know the avenues that they can take to avoid trouble.  Don't wait for them to get into the situation, but instead, use preventive maintenance to teach them how to avoid finding themselves there.

• Preach to them how their ego is not as important as doing jail time, spending time in the emergency room or worse, the morgue.  
• Tell them that they can always come home to loved ones.
• Teach them that relationships are never worth risking your life over to try and fix.
• Show them what real love is at home so that they may recognize it as they venture out in life.
• Instill in them that there's no such thing as "it can never happen to me".

I don't care how hard that you try, you can't make someone love you.  I know this for a fact.  Just let them go and choose from one of the other millions who are what you're looking for in a mate.  

I personally know a lot of guys who have hit women and a lot of women who have hit men.  I've personally called each and everyone of them I've spoken to "cowards" to their faces, including relatives.  It's not okay.  Stop waiting until it happens to someone that you love before you take it seriously.  Please teach.  That's all I ask.

Explode or Implode: The Building is Still Coming Down #Stress

I visited New Orleans over an extended Memorial Day weekend and took so much from my four day stay.  Despite my 20 or 30-something visits to The Big Easy, for the first time I got to interact with the locals and see a side I've never seen before.  I had plenty of cajun/creole cooking, took a steamboat ride down the Mississippi River, enjoyed a Second Line band, and more.

However, one thing really stood out to me on my trip was a visit to a church on that Sunday morning.  The pastor's sermon fell in line with one of my recent blog posts called "The Burden of the Stress Catcher".  It was as if he was speaking directly to me.  Needless to say, I was very attentive and could identify with almost every point he was making.

He talked about how people who are relied upon the most are usually the last to receive help themselves.  I thought about how often I come to the aid of people for so many things.  Most of them are small contributions, but they're contributions all the same.  I do it for the "thank you's" because I really don't expect much else from people other than that.

Although those who know me well would probably jokingly disagree, I am human.  I have feelings.  I deal with problems and turmoil in life.  But I rarely feel like I'm able to express those feelings to anyone.  Most people in my life are so used to me being "the strong one" that they rarely notice (or care) that something is bothering me.  And even if they get an inclination that something is wrong, they may ask "what's wrong?", but if I say "nothing" because I'm uncomfortable discussing it at that time then the conversation pretty much ends there.

One thing that I do better than anyone that I know is read people.  I know what makes people tick and I use that to determine their moods.  Being able to see that someone is in need of something coupled with my willingness to help people almost compels me to step in and try to make things better when things are bad.  I always want to help fix the problem.  The downside is that I know that person won't be there for me in the same capacity or will let me down in an attempt to do so.  Yet I still put forth the effort to brighten their day.

7 days a week I've done this since as long as I can remember.  In work life or home life I'm making someone smile.  I'll see that someone appears to be down and I may compliment them to cheer them up.  I'll notice someone with a confused look and I'll ask questions to see if I can help.  You can't help everyone, but it's comforting to them to know that someone at least thought enough of them to try.

Someone once told me that is the reason I have no known enemies.  Because I've probably helped them, too, in some shape, form, or fashion.  Yet to express how I feel, blogging is the safest venue for me to vent.  It prevents me from potentially offending anyone, or having to listen to unsolicited advice, or avoid having someone try and one-up my problems with one of their own.  The latter I encounter regularly because I'm supposed to be "the strong one," right?  My problems don't matter.  Some people seem to think that I can deal with my problems on my own so they gloss over mine and present me theirs.

Despite all of my rantings, I'm not without loved ones.  There are people in my life who care for me and want to see me happy.  It's unfair of me to expect them to read my moods as easily as I read theirs.  You have to really be in tune with people to realize that something is off and my personality is  difficult to figure out.

I maintain a positive attitude because that is what keeps me going.  I can be extremely sad or mad and not always show it because I don't like for either of those emotions to dominate my life for long periods of time.  To not be that way is to rely on society to bail me out of my bad feelings and I can't take a chance on them accepting that challenge.  Even when I'm "not feeling myself" people would assume that I'm simply just tired before they would assume that I'm stressed.  And even if I did open up to someone, would they be unbiased or would they be judgmental?  I usually encounter one if not both when presenting problems to people.  That's why it's easier to keep certain things to myself and figure it out on my own.

But, the one thing the pastor said on Sunday that really resonated with me was this: "Regardless if it explodes or implodes, the building is still coming down.  Let it out."  He was referring to keeping stress pinned up inside of ourselves.  Either you can explode in anger or allow it to slowly kill you inside, but either way your temple will be destroyed.

I've got to work on preserving my temple.  Just a few weeks ago I posted about how I've embraced being people's"stress catcher" over the years and now I'm realizing that someone needs to catch mine now and then!

I've got to stop allowing my happiness to be dictated by other people's happiness.  I have to find more people I trust enough to ask for help when I need someone to listen to me.  I've got to stop getting the short end of the stick and focus on myself before "my building" starts to crumble.  Because although I'm looking out for others, others aren't always looking out for me.

What I Learned from The Best Man Holiday Movie

Normally, I reserve taking a trip to the movie theater for action films.  I just feel like I can get more bang for my buck to see/hear explosions on the big screen.  Comedies and dramas seem more appropriate for Netflix at home.

However, since I'm in a relationship now, those decisions aren't always mine.  So, when something comes out that she wants to see, then I make it my business to give her the same courtesy of going as she does for me.  This recently included the movie, "The Best Man Holiday."

It's a sequel to the 1999 movie, "The Best Man" which was about some dude who got married to a woman who cheated on him with his best friend.  Well, there was more to it than that, but I don't want to get into all of that.

Anyhoo, this movie has been rated only 5 or 6 stars out of 10 from most movie review websites.  I tend to disagree.  This movie had everything: singing, comedy, drama, tragedy, and even action.  

Because of the ratings, this movie will probably not win any major awards.  The actors, who were all on-point, will not be walking the red carpet with any hardware for their efforts either.  Mainly because most people prejudge this movie before even walking into the theater.  After all, it's a "black movie" to most of the critics.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You could have substituted any race in this movie and it would have still been virtually the same.  

What I got most from the movie is that TBMH really taught some life lessons throughout those 123 minutes.  I can say that definitively because it hit really close to home in regards to one of the main plot lines.

* SPOILER ALERT * (skip to the Spoiler Alert ending if you plan on seeing this movie)

It hit close to home for me because it involved a man on the verge of starting the "cruise control" part of life who lost his wife to a slow death -- cancer.  Morris Chestnut's character, Lance, had to learn how draw strength from his wife's suffering.  She taught him how to love, forgive, and appreciate.  He did everything that she said because he knew that she was telling him "the right thing."  You tend to take things a lot more seriously coming from the mouth of someone who is dying.

* END OF SPOILER *

The viewers of this movie will learn that, too.  At least I hope that they will.  Too often I see people who don't appreciate what they have in their family and friends.  They take people for granted with the utmost of confidence that they'll always be around.  They treat people poorly not thinking of how that person could be gone with the next breath.  They dismiss opportunities to spend time with someone because they assume there's always tomorrow.  They never miss a good thing until it's taken away from them.

That's not me.  Although there are some things I would do differently if I had a do-over with my mom and The Mrs. if they were still alive, I have no regrets.  I enjoyed them while they were here and never stopped showing my appreciation.  It doesn't mean that I didn't have lapses.  There were times I could have been a better son/husband.  But, I'm human.  Those things will happen.  I've learned from those lapses and it has made me a better son to my father and I'll be an even better husband when that time comes.

The main thing is that now that they're gone, I can look myself in the mirror and say with confidence that I showed them that I loved them both.  For those of you who have never lost a parent, child, close friend, etc., can you do the same?  

If someone in your household died tomorrow, can you honestly look in the mirror and say that "I gave them 100% of me?"  Will they take their last breath knowing that you love them?