Saturday, February 4, 2012

300: Gettin' Funky

This pic has jack to do with my post, but it's pretty cool for #300
I didn't know what to do for post #300, so I decided to do something that I haven't done in a while and tell a story from back in my college days. My only regret from college is that I didn't film half of the things that happened on that campus in the middle of nowhere at Mississippi Valley State University. Unfortunately, they didn't have cell phone cameras back then and I didn't start toting around a camcorder until my senior year. If I only had visual proof of the things I saw on that campus. (Sigh) I'd probably be a rich man by now because Tosh.0 and America's Funniest Home Videos would be blowing my phone up.

In my junior year, in 1992, my roommate, Tim, and I were lucky enough to stay in a dorm named College Hall II. This was once a girls' dormitory, but due to renovations being made to the dorm we stayed in the previous semester, it was temporarily converted into a boys' dorm. Now, that doesn't sound like a big deal except for the fact that it was located only 50 feet from the freshman girls' dorm and the honors girls' dorm. Ummmmm, cake mix.

Anyhoo, one night, Tim and I are sitting on the front patio of our dorm just watching the ladies walk by from night class. At the time, I was dating someone from the honors dorm, so I wasn't in flirt mode this particular evening. Tim also had a squeeze in that dorm, but he was rarely deterred by much. It was around dusk, so the sun was behind the honors dorm and the campus lights were starting to come on. Tim and I glanced across the campus at the library and noticed five animals running around near the entrance. "Whoa! Those are some funny-looking cats," I said.

"Are you sure those aren't squirrels?," Tim asked.

"Nah, squirrels don't get that big," I replied.

We watched the animals frolic (that's a word I've never used before) until they disappeared at the base of the library. It appeared that some ladies coming out of the library spooked them into hiding. Tim and I thought nothing of it. It was a hot September night and the only thing on our mind was keeping cool and female-watching.

The next night, Tim and I are returning from a late night run to Burger King. It's around midnight and it's a Thursday night which is normally club night in the area. Multiple nightclubs have drink specials for ladies on Thursday night, so a lot of people take advantage of it. As we pull into my parking space next to my dorm, Tim and I get out and see a young lady walking back to the honors dorm. I wish I could remember her name, but for the life of me, I cannot. But, we'll call her "Flower." Flower was visibly drunk. She couldn't walk in a straight line and she stumbled from time-to-time. Tim and I leaned against the car and decided to partake in the show to see if Flower could make it to the dorm. She was doing well until she got distracted.

One of the furry animals Tim and I saw the night before was running in the area. At this point, Tim and I really started focusing on the animal because we realized that it wasn't as graceful as a cat. The library was about 75 yards from our dorm when we saw it the previous night, but we were roughly 25 yards from the creature this time. Our focus on the animal was broken when Flower stooped down to her knees and proceeded to call the animal... "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!"

At that time, a group of girls came out of the honors dorm spooking the animal in the direction of Flower. The animal was running directly towards her and as it passed under the street light, Tim and I were finally able to identify it. That's when Tim shouted out in his country, Booneville accent, "Flower! Run, gull, run!"

Before I could join in the evacuation attempt, the animal turned around, stood upon it's front legs and lifted it's tail. Yep. It was a skunk. Unfortunately for Flower, it was too late to get off of her knees and run for cover. We weren't sure she was sprayed until we heard a loud scream and then an "Oh, God!"

Bambi fans now know the significance of the name I gave our poor victim.

Flower rolled around on the ground like a scalded dog. Tim and I ran to her aid until we got within about 20 feet of her and decided against it. It was the most awful thing we had ever smelled. She smelled like she needed an autopsy. Flower laid on the ground and sobbed like a child in between screams of "help me!" It was pretty disturbing, yet no one was willing to get within range of that stench. Someone got a water hose and sprayed her, but I really don't think that it was effective. Soon, Flower's scream had everyone outside of the surrounding dorms trying to sneak a peek at the commotion.

Tim and I eventually went upstairs to try and see if we could still put down our BK burgers. We heard that Flower's parents arrived that night from Shaw (a small town about 30 miles away) and took her home. She never returned that semester and from what I understand, the next either. I'm not sure what the remedy is for "skunk skeet," but I would have made her ride in the trunk if I were her parents.

Thursday nights are for clubbing and "gettin' funky" is normally something reserved for the dance floor.



  1. I bet that wasn't the last time she got it in the face... OH SNAP!

  2. Hilarious! You have a new subscriber 'cause I LOVE it! That was a great "300" story:)


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