Saturday, August 20, 2011

Do Pageants Matter Any More?

Local pageants are better. (Jackson Hooters, 2006)

A few weeks ago, I was watching the 2011 Hooters Swimsuit Pageant (for blog research of course) and I just couldn't get with it. Let me explain what I mean and please keep in mind that this is from a "typical man's perspective:"

Seeing a woman in a bikini isn't that big of a deal any more. Especially when all of them look identical. In this day and age, why even waste time airing a show with women walking a runway in bikinis any more?

When I was growing up in the 80's, pageants were kind of cool. Back then, it was impossible to see a woman in a swimsuit unless you lived on the beach. Now, there is (insert bikini website name here).com to see all of the bikinis that you want. In fact, there are e-mail services that offer 'Bikini of the Day' e-mails to provide you with cleavage to start your day. Is there more to pageants than just swimsuits? Well... I guess there is. But, then again, I was watching the Hooters Pageant and I did tell you that this is a "typical man's perspective."

So, is there so much exposure to flesh on the internet that we're numb to it now? After all, the internet has become a personal body viewing device for those who choose that hobby. Or are there so many pageants that they don't mean anything any more? Hooters, Miss America, Mrs. America, Miss Teen Universe, Miss Universe, Miss World, Miss Hawaiian Tropic, etc.

I mean, I'm watching this pageant of women walking down the runway and it's not a big deal. Nothing new or impressive going on at all. Fake boobs, deep tans and hair weaves galore. There's no individuality any more. Each woman wants to be that big-boobed bronze doll with long hair and it's pretty boring. It's like watching the same woman walk down the aisle in a different outfit. The only time I really take notice is when I see a woman who actually didn't pay for her breasts.

Aside from race or hair color, do they really look different?

And for the love of God, please don't let any of them speak! Who's idea was it to ask a question to someone whose bra size is higher than her IQ? Okay, maybe that's hitting a bit below the belt, but let's be honest, not too many nuclear physicists are deep frying themselves in a tanning bed and then hopping out in four inch heels to solve an equation. I'm just saying.

Now, don't get me wrong. No man is going to turn one of these ladies down, but from the perspective of the pageant, it can't be easy to judge a competition where everyone looks the same. Well, everyone except the girl whose breasts are so far apart that you can place a book between them. I hope she kept the receipt for her surgery.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is: for me, it's been there, done that. It doesn't mean much any more to even want to tune in to one of these pageants unless your internet services are down. Here's another option for women watchers: the Lingerie Football League. It's a win-win! No question/answer session and no watching the same ol' ladies walk down a boring runway. It's football and females! 'Nuff said. There's even a new lingerie basketball league that recently started in L.A. if hoops are your thing.

Hey, it's about time something replaced these boring pageants. Aside from the Miss Fitness USA pageant, that actually offers something different, there's just not a need to watch pageants any more... unless you can personally guarantee that I'll see something like this.


  1. That is probably why there are very few "beauty pageants" here in Aus.
    Last one I saw advertised was Miss Tattoo and Miss Burlesque. Now they would be different to the Bikinis

  2. TQ. OK, first, good post with deep thinking behind it.

    Second, this happens to be an area wherein I have significant experience. OK, dream experience, but experience none the less.

    About once a week, I judge beauty contests in my dreams. Something will happen in my awake life that stimulates my dream brain to conjure a contest that I get to judge.

    After an encounter with a woman hiding the most robust camel toe in history, most of my pageant dreams have been of the pocket meat varieties. Then, of course, there were all of those corn dog photo ops from the Republican presidential runners this last week, and...

    Well, you can only imagine a corn-dog-and-camel-toe contest with Michelle Bachmann, the Reckmonster, Sarah Palin and Dr. Marcus Bachmann as contestants.

    Anyway, while awake I feel beauty contests are somewhat degrading, a sentiment not shared with my other mind.


  3. TQ. OK, I just noticed that you posted this at 3:22 am. Dude.

  4. Do pageants matter these days? When did they ever matter?

    A couple of years ago I wrote a comment on Facebook about Sarah Palin having a "beauty pageant mind", and I was eaten alive by people who were either pageant contestants in their younger daze, or were married to pageant contestants, or were the parents of pageant contestants, and all made it very damn clear that these were brilliant women, one and all.

    Sigh... Okay, I'm sure there's a Mensa in every group, but really? Brilliant women?

    The cookie-cutter bodies, fake boobs, fake lips, excessive makeup, processed hair, and non-revealing swimwear just bore me shitless. And as soon as one of them tries to say something "brilliant" I'm reminded of why I don't watch pageants.

    And for what it's worth, Peyton should have won the '97 Heisman. So there.

  5. @ Mynx - Miss Tattoo and Miss Burlesque? Yeah, I bet those would be pretty interesting. I'd actually DVR either of those.

    @ Mooner - Marcus Bachmann would so win a corn dog contest against the other three you mentioned. LOL! And the word "robust" to describe "camel toe" is actually downright scary. As for the post time, I didn't get to bed until 4 AM. Go figure.

    @ Squatlo - I forgot Palin was a former beauty queen! That explains it! Now I know why she speaks with confidence on things she knows nothing about. Thanks for clearing that up for me! BTW, Peyton thought the '97 Heisman race was a beauty pageant and found out that it was a real competition. :)

  6. Many pagents promote the fact that they give scholarships to the winners (obviously needed as demonstrated in the video) but even so, pagents seem boring and a terrible waste of two hours viewing time. Perhaps they should instead televise the backstage drama and antics. Word has it that many of those sweet smiling pagent queens are actually major diva bitches in real life.

  7. @ The Empress - You may be onto something! "Pageant Bullies!" I can see it now! Women fighting backstage, tampering with each other's makeup and sleeping with judges! Empress, you're a genius!

  8. The Empress is a marketing genius! Who WOULDN'T want to watch actual beauty pageant contestant, Miss Congeniality, I'm just here to promote world peace people living in the Big Brother House, or Surviving on some desolate island, or (really stretching the imagination) getting by on minimum wage, raising kids without a daddy figure, clipping coupons for groceries as she tries to deal with real life?

    If you step back and really observe people, there is a beauty pageant queen in any good-hearted woman, and an indulged diva in any cold hearted one.
    The side we see is rarely the true barometer of a person, man or woman.

  9. @ Squatlo - Amen. Very well said. Sometimes, all you have to do is sit back and watch to see what a person is really all about.

  10. I lost some brain cells watching that girl try to answer the question of why people cannot locate the U.S. on a map. Thanks a lot. LOL!

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  12. I like the fact that this blog actually came from a guy. I do feel that there is so much exposure to #AzzEnTyts on the web, and on tv that people have come numb to it. It's like you don't have to have any personality or talents to make you stand out from the rest; all that is required is a body pumped full of rubber and fluid, and a head full of tracks and glue. A lot of those women have low self esteem. When you see them on there, you feel as if they do have a lot of confidence, but if you really think about it, they can't have that much confidence because they are falling in with the crowd; flash a little cleavage, and MAYBE I can win this! It's really sad when you think about it, Oh, and Q, how in the heck do you get all these comments? I can't really get anybody to read my blogs.
    August 21, 2011 2:26 PM

  13. @ Lawfrog - Wasn't that sad? She had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Her parents probably slumped down in their chairs when they heard that.

    @ Hurricane - You're right. Confidence is not a strong suit with a lot of these ladies. Don't get me wrong, some of them are normal people, but so many of them are basket cases. They seek approval that only seems to come when they're strutting their stuff, so to speak. As for the comments, I think I'm a lightweight compared to Thundercat, Lost in Idaho and Red Means Go. I'm still trying to come up! I think I may be able to help you out a bit though. I'll e-mail you.

  14. @ Hurricane, I tried to e-mail you, but got a returned error. You may have to go into my bio and contact me.

  15. "For blog research of course" -- HA! Well, I think if anything now they're merely a vehicle for creating tomorrow's next reality bimbo. And, oh God, yes, when they speak I cringe. I don't thin my husband has ever had interest in pageants. In fact, come to think about it, not my brother, my father, or my male friends. Does anyone watch them?

  16. @ MWD - Charli, it's a thing of the past. Like so many things that held prestige back in the 50's-80's, they mean nothing now. At some point, with so many passing trends and fads, there will be no such thing as "tradition" in the U.S. We don't even do the stuff we thought was cool last year. LOL! Everything has a shelf life now and pageants are one of them (unless they're exploiting toddlers).


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